Tag Archives: Reflection & Looking Within

World Pain

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Yesterday I read a journal post by someone who asked three questions that really resonated with me.  So, I did this reading for further clarification.

Why is the world in so much pain?  King of Pentacles Rx
Why is peace nowhere in sight?  Knight of Pentacles Rx
Why does this keep happening?  The Empress Rx

King of Pentacles Rx, Knight of Pentacles Rx & The Empress Rx – Victorian Romantic Tarot

The King of Pentacles Rx suggests that the world is in pain because our priorities are skewed.  Instead of the “haves” aiding the “have nots”, the wealthy elites prey on the working poor.  Industrialized, wealthy nations strip poorer nations of their natural resources.  Instead of trying to lift everyone with a rising tide, the focus is on pushing others off the boat so the wealthy can have more.  Too many people buy into the myth that allowing the rich to maintain their wealth will trickle down and benefit the rest of us.  Instead, what we get is a bunch of Daffy Ducks clinging to their money claiming “Mine, mine,mine.  Go, go, go.  I’m rich.  I’m a happy miser”.

The Knight of Pentacles shows that peace is nowhere in sight because we’re not really looking for it.   This reinforces the message of the King of Pentacles Rx;  instead of protecting the people, the system caters to the needs of the wealthy, appeasing and prioritizing policies to keep wealth and power concentrated in their hands.  Ultimately, allowing them to take advantage of the disadvantaged.  Just as knights of old served the needs of their Lords, not knightly ideals, the justice system and politicians serve the needs of the elites not the needs of their constituents.

The Empress Rx shows that this keeps happening because, instead of trying to help others create prosperity, we try to keep it to ourselves. We don’t nurture and support, although we do pay lip service to it. What I find fascinating is how those proclaiming themselves the most devoted of Christ’s followers completely miss the point of his message. Instead of trying to be inclusionary and offering to aid the least of their brethren, they support political dogma and policies that “other” anyone that they see is different. Instead of trying to make the entire world a better place they prefer to hoard so that theirs can be just a little bit better than anybody else’s. There’s a selfishness to humans that Christ’s teachings attempted to overcome. Now they’re being used as a way to justify bullying and taking advantage and feeling superior to those that need our help the most.

The truth of the matter is that being a decent human being takes a lot of work and many people don’t want to be bothered. Instead of thinking about the situation and making an informed decision, they prefer to follow simplistic, black and white dogma that lets them justify doing nothing. Maybe I’m feeling a little cynical right now, but current events will do that to you.

New Moon in Virgo Reading using Alexandra Geenetti’s Jumbledance Tarot

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  • Where am I too critical of others? – In what ways have I been too harsh on others? Where can I be kinder to others? 3 of Cups RX
  • Where am I too hard on myself? – In what ways have I been too harsh on myself? Where can I be kinder to myself? The Sun
  • What is the effect of my perfectionism? – What things, positive or negative, does my sense of order bring me? Woman of Disks Rx
  • What big picture am I missing? – What am I not seeing? Man of Cups

The 3 of Cups Rx is challenging for me to interpret. It might reflect my impatience with people who seem overly emotional or emotionally needy to me. Unfortunately because of my own personal experiences I can be rather dismissive of people’s need for emotional support. I can be very “pick yourself up by your bootstraps” or “put on your big girl panties” about things. To be honest, it’s one of the reasons I never pursued a path to become a practicing psychologist. I just don’t think my temperament and personality are well suited to supporting or assisting people who might be processing or trying to heal after an emotionally traumatic experience. I have some real judgmental hotspots with regards to certain human behaviors.

I suppose it’s interesting to note that I am as judgmental and harsh on myself as I am towards anyone else. In fact, it’s entirely probable that I’m more harsh on myself. I think The Sun is pointing out that I’m not very good at acknowledging and embracing my own successes and accomplishments. I often have an attitude that if I can do it it can’t be that difficult. Therefore it’s not that much of an accomplishment. I’m often very uncomfortable by public acknowledgment.

I think one of the negative effects of my perfectionism, or my judgmentalism perhaps better said, is it skews my view of myself. Anyone who knows me well will know that I regularly deny that I am a caregiver or a nurturer or a maternal type. However, for the last 14 years the majority of my time and energy has been focused on caregiving and nurturing. I think this is reflected in the Woman of Disks Rx. To be fair, my upbringing made it seem that being maternal or a caregiver was a trap for a woman. It was a way to find yourself disempowered, disregarded, and devalued. Ironically I didn’t need anyone else to do that because I did it to myself. It took me a long time to appreciate that there was any value to the time and energy I invested in caring for my ailing mother-in-law and brother-in-law. Once again, if it’s something I can accomplish it can’t be that difficult.

The Man of Cups suggests that, despite my overly harsh self-critical side, I do have the capacity to be emotionally supportive and a beneficial counselor to others. Of course, first I have to be more accepting of that side of myself. Once again, this reflects the difficulty I have in expressing any kind of emotional vulnerability. I have a hard time helping people with emotional issues because I prefer not to let myself be exposed as emotionally vulnerable.

One of the things that struck me as I was reviewing this reading is that the reversed Woman of Disks and the Man of Cups could reflect my parents. My mother is a Capricorn Sun and my father was a Cancer Sun. Both were absolutely disempowered expressions of the energies of their Sun signs. And I don’t think it can be overestimated how much growing up with that kind of dysfunction has skewed my views of those energies. Being nurturing is a trap. Being emotionally vulnerable is a weakness that can be exploited. These are two beliefs that still impact me on a daily basis, and that I am still working on overcoming. I think, ultimately, they are both at the root of my propensity towards being critical and harsh in judging other people and myself.

Week 46 – What reality is my own narrative attempting to escape?  (#TarotReading #VintageRWS #52WeekProject)

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  • What is my narrative?  9 of Cups
  • What is my reality?  2 of Wands
  • How can I merge them?  King of Cups
Pam’s Vintage Tarot

Believe it or not I developed this question after reading this line in a book about folk horror movies.  After reading the sentence I just thought it would make an awesome tarot reading for this week.  When I saw the cards that I drew I realized this reading was giving me more insight than I anticipated.

Having the 9 of Cups appear as my narrative suggests that I’m trying to convince myself that I’m okay with my current reality.  That I’m happy and content with what I have, indeed maybe even a little smug because of how well I’m handling things.  It reflects that I’m trying to convince myself, and others, that I’m okay, I’m handling things in a mature, calm manner, but in reality I’m not. In fact, it strikes me that the figure crossing his arms is a self-soothing gesture. No one else is there to comfort him, so he must comfort himself. He’s distracting attention away from how he really feels by arraying all the cups behind him so that people will look at the cups and not at his own body language.

The 2 of Wands appearing as my reality suggests that I’m selling myself a fairy tale.  I know usually the 2 of Wands refers to some type of a creative project or partnership, and I certainly think that can  apply me right now.  I have been looking for ways to express my creative energy in a more positive and focused way.  On a deeper level, I also think it’s reflecting that I’m still searching for what I lost when my husband died.  I’m not looking for a new romantic partnership I’m looking to find traces of his energy still remaining in the world around me.  I’m still trying to find a connection to him. He, literally, was my world and I still miss him.  He always had my back and supported me. No matter how happy I try to pretend to be, or indeed genuinely feel, I’m still grieving.  Trying to distract myself with creative projects, or trying to create a narrative that I’m happy and content with my life now, is me trying to fake it until I make it.

The King of Cups shows that the way to merge my narrative with my reality is to listen to my heart; to continue on my current healing path and counsel myself in ways that support that healing. It could refer to actually seeing a therapist at some point down the road. However I know myself well enough to know I am not open to listening to the advice of a stranger right now. On a positive note I do have friends that I can bounce ideas off and brainstorm with who will call me on my bullshit. I do sometimes need a reality check because, like many of us, I often delude myself about what’s really going on in my life. Listening to my heart and nurturing my healing will help me reduce this tendency.

Week 34 – Forgiveness (#TarotReading #ShiningTribeTarot #52WeekProject)

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When I was younger, I would listen to people talk about how forgiveness was healing and that it was to the benefit of the forgiver more than the one forgiven, and I snorted in disbelief. Like many teens and young adults, I was arrogantly sure that my righteous anger was better than any potential healing forgiving someone might bring. Needless to say, as with so many things, maturity has taught me the folly of that belief.

Several years back I was working for a non-profit agency. There was a supervisor there with whom I had a challenged relationship. Overall we seem to get along fairly well however whenever there was a situation in which he was my supervisor I seem to irritate him. I think he was concerned that my loyalty was not to him. To be fair, in some ways that was true because I did have other supervisors, and in many cases my loyalty was to them. But he never understood that I could be loyal to more than one person if I felt that that loyalty was also extended to me. I never felt that with this person. He eventually became the executive director of this non-profit agency and within a few years of his ascension I was fired. Allegedly it was because there was no money to continue funding my position. However, considering that after I was gone someone else took the exact same job I would have to question that. Needless to say, I was devastated for years after. It was very traumatic, and I held on to anger and hostility towards this person for many, many years.

Recently I reconnected with two co-workers from that agency. During the course of our conversation this person was mentioned. I knew he had been fired from the non-profit where we were a few years after me. I have no idea why he was let go, but I will admit to experiencing a sense of schadenfreude when I heard the news. While talking with my friend, she mentioned that he had been out of work for a few years and was having a difficult time finding a new job. Based on things I’ve heard about this person, he is his own worst enemy and unfortunately has a tendency to undermine himself. However when my friend mentioned that he was interviewing for a new position I found myself genuinely wishing him well. That’s when I realized, I had finally let go of my anger and forgave him. The truth is I might have let go of the anger years ago but had no reason to consider it. Now that I was looking at it, I understood that I had finally let It go and I felt better, lighter. I finally understood what people meant when they said forgiveness helped the forgiver as much as, or more than, the forgiven. So I decided to pull some cards to explore how this situation influenced me.

  • How did holding on to the anger benefit me? The Chariot
  • How did releasing the anger and forgiving help me? 8 of Rivers
  • How can I embrace this lesson and allow this healing energy to benefit me in the future? 2 of Trees
The Chariot, 8 of Rivers & 2 of Trees from The Shining Tribe Tarot

The Chariot shows me that the anger allowed me to feel I had control over the situation or that I had some ability to influence it in some way. It allowed me to create a “sour grapes” type of scenario and convince myself that the agency didn’t deserve me anyway. Holding on to the anger helped me create a mask to hide behind and avoid dealing with the feelings of hurt and betrayal.

In the 8 of Rivers, Rachel Pollack writes “the 8 of Rivers shows the powerful new self who emerges after the liberating effective anger or simply telling the truth. The card says: if you feel like a new person trusts the feeling”. I cannot imagine a more perfect card appearing in response to this question! I do feel liberated and freer. I feel as though I was able to release some of those inner demons haunting me; or better said take off the mask of anger I was hiding behind to reveal a truer self. By releasing the anger, I opened myself up to connecting to my emotions on a deeper level.

Rachel writes “The trees form a gate that opens to new experience. The image suggests a gateway, a moment in our lives when we feel opportunities open before us. Opening to a higher level of awareness”. I can embrace this lesson by seeing it as the opportunity that it is; embracing its potential for transformation. In Tarot, the twos often represent a partnership. In this instance, I think the 2 of Trees is showing me that what I need to partner my emotional and spiritual side so that I can embrace the opportunities this experience is presenting to me.

This experience has helped me shed the angry, emotionally immature part of myself, and will allow me to move forward with a less reactive, childish mindset. It also helped me realize that holding on to that anger was giving that person power over my life, something to which they have never been entitled. Was it a devastating experience? Yes. Was it a learning experience? Also, yes. Did it break me? No, it made me stronger. Holding on to the resentment and anger I felt towards this person created a narrative of victimhood, and I refuse to be a victim. Realizing that I am able to, and have, released it allows me to change that narrative.

Week 18 What is Happiness Spread (#TarotReading #CrookedWayTarot #52WeekProject)

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“Happiness lies not in finding what is missing but in finding what is present.” – Tara Brach

  1. What is missing from my life? The Moon
  2. What is present in my life? Art
  3. What will help me find happiness? Mistress of Skulls Rx
The Moon, Art & Mistress of Skulls from The Crooked Way Tarot

My first reaction seeing the Moon in answer to “What is missing in my life?” was that perhaps what I’m missing are dreams. The more I thought about it, the more wrong it felt. Then it hit me that the answer couldn’t be more obvious. The idea that anything is missing from my life is an illusion. Well, except for the obvious answer of my husband. However if I were to interpret the meaning of this card in that way it would completely contradict the whole point of the reading. So, perhaps the Moon is showing me that’s what’s missing is a need to howl at the Moon for things that aren’t really there and aren’t really necessary.

Art or Temperance showing up in response to “What is present in my life?” is especially impactful because I’ve drawn Temperance a number of times in the past year as something I need to aspire to or achieve. In this position the suggestion is that it has been achieved. This balance is present in my life and contributing to my happiness. On a practical level this is seen in my efforts to exercise more, eat more healthily and to take a little bit more time for myself. At the same time I’m trying to finalize arrangements for my brother-in-law’s move to a residential facility. This is not the final destination, but an action that will need regular recalibration.

Seeing the Mistress of Skulls Rx tells me that what will help me find happiness is getting familiar with my own heart and dreams; nurturing my emotional side. I think she’s showing me that a gentle, supportive exploration of my emotional responses and relationships would be a useful exercise to aid me in finding happiness. The reality is if I’m unable to process emotions and relationships, and listen to my heart, finding happiness will be an almost insurmountable challenge.

ADDENDUM:. A friend pointed out something I completely missed on The Moon card – the image of the moon has a clock face superimposed upon it. She suggested it was showing that time to do what I want might be something missing in my life. This is true but it’s also something that’s coming to an end soon. However what did strike me is that the hands of the clock are pointing at 10 and 2. When I was learning how to drive that was always the mantra of my driving instructor “keep your hands at 10 and 2 on the wheel”. So to me this suggested even if I haven’t had the time that soon coming to an end and I’ll be able to drive my life my own way.

Something else I missed in my initial interpretation of these cards is that the Mistress of Skulls is sitting at a desk writing in a book with a skull shaped mug before her. I think this is a practical suggestion for me – what will help me to find happiness is using tools like journaling, medication and relaxing with tea to help me explore my inner landscape, reacquaint myself with my inner emotions and desires.

Week 11 Caring for Myself (#TarotReading #DarkWoodTarot #52WeekProject)

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Last week’s left me wondering how I could follow the message of the Page of Cups – taking better care of myself listening to my inner self. So I decided this week that would be the focus of my question. I kind of loosely envisioned the positions as Body, Mind and Spirit, but I wasn’t focused on those positions when I pulled the cards. Of course, as is so often the case in my relationship with Tarot and this deck in particular, I didn’t need to focus on positions to get the message I needed to hear.

The World, The Sun and 10 of Swords from Sasha Graham’s Dark Wood Tarot

The first thing that struck me about all three of these cards that they’re female, which I love. It makes it that much more personal for me. Two of these women are entirely nude, which reminds me that the best way to actually make myself a priority is to be completely honest with myself; to bare my soul, no matter how frightening that might seem. The figure in the final card wears a very revealing dress which suggests she is in the process of baring herself in order to move on to the next level.

The World reminds me that it’s time to make my physical health a priority; to make it the center of my focus. For many years my own health and physical needs have been put on a back burner and I’ve suffered the consequences of that choice. If I want to move forward from a place of health and wellness, I need to focus on eating well and being more physically active. I want to get to a place where I’m as proud of my physical self as the woman on this card.

The Sun, a card for which my Leo Sun has a strong affinity, shows me that my mindset also needs a shift so that once again I understand that it’s okay to make myself a priority. To move forward with a healthy mindset, and let go of the guilt and responsibility that have been holding me down for the last few years, I need to accept that it’s my time to shine; my time to be in the Sun. It’s okay to shine and not hide my light because I might be worried about other people will think. The Sun also reminds me that it’s okay to be warmed by the recognition and praise of others. I’m often very resistant to compliments. The Sun reminds me that there’s nothing wrong with having one’s achievements recognized.

The 10 of Swords suggest that this might be the most challenging part of my journey, the one I struggle with the hardest. At the same time, it may be the most achievable because it’s the one requiring the most practical steps. This will require me to face all those inner demons and slay them; to make my own journey into the darkness of my soul like Inanna. I have a feeling it’s going to be like lancing a boil or removing a splinter – initially painful, but ultimately necessary to allow healing.

Overall I find this reading very positive and a reminder that many of the things I’m struggling with right now can be changed by a shifting of mindset and being more positive and gentle with myself. Pounding myself into submission isn’t the answer to this situation. It requires a more subtle, sharp, Swords approach rather than my usual blunt, Wands approach. If I can follow the advice of this reading I think it will produce a hugely positive outcome which will produce long term, life changing benefits.

Who Would I Be if I Was Not Me? (#Tarot #LightSeer’s)

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I was recently reading a work of fan fiction in which the protagonist developed amnesia. The story focuses on learning who you are all over again, both the good aspects and the bad. This made me wonder how I would feel about myself if I woke up with all my skills and knowledge but no memories of my past, of who I was. As I slowly learned about myself, what would I think about that person? Would I be disappointed by things I had done? Would I be proud of what I achieved? So, I decided to work with my tried & true standby, my Tarot deck, to find an answer.

  • What positive aspects of the old me would I like?  10 of Swords Rx
  • What negative aspect of the old me would be disappointing?  3 of Wands Rx
  • How can I change that which should be changed?  – 6 of Swords
  • What part of me would be changed the most if I had amnesia?  Knight of Cups
  • So, who would I be?  Page of Swords
10 of Swords
3 of Wands
6 of Swords
Knight of Cups
Page of Swords

The 10 of Swords Rx speaks to me of being a survivor; someone who is able to take a beating and keep on going, endure being stabbed in the back. There is strength, stubbornness and beauty in this image. She is not easily defeated and will continue on her journey despite any and all objections. I do think this is a quality I embody and it’s one of which I’m very proud. I think I’ve taken a lot of knocks in life; triumphed over a number of disadvantages and keep moving forward.

The 3 of Wands Rx suggest that one of my less admirable qualities is that I’m not a self-starter; I will often let self doubt and insecurity undermine pursuing my goals, my dreams. I often became enthusiastically involved in projects other people have begun but rarely initiate them myself. This means I’m pretty good at helping other people achieve their dreams, but lousy at pursuing my own.

The 6 of Swords reminds me that what I need to change is my focus and my willingness to pursue my own ideas. When I look at this image the woman in the boat has harnessed crows and has them pulling her across the water. She is alone, doing this by herself. The birds off in the distance are a distraction, not part of her journey. This card reminds me that I can do it by myself, I just need to be focused and trust in my own ideas, my own thoughts. I can’t allow myself to get distracted by self-doubt, inner critics or other people’s input.

The Knight of Cups shows me that without the life history I have had, I would be more open on an emotional level and more willing to pursue my hopes and dreams. I wouldn’t be so suspicious and emotionally closed off. Even looking at the image on this card I want to mock him and feel contempt for him. My initial reaction to this image is that he’s a poser, that this is an act to seduce someone into trusting him. Of course that tells you more about my state of mind and frame of reference than about this card.

The Page of Swords as a reminder that if I were able to let go of my defense mechanisms and protective weapons developed to prevent and protect me from harm, I would be a perpetual student. I would maintain a youthful enthusiasm for learning new ideas and experiencing new things.

I think if nothing else, the take away from this reading is that if I can let my defenses down a bit and listen to my inner self, I’ll find more joy and fulfillment in my life. Being a bit more trusting and open might bring untold benefits and satisfaction.

A blogging introvert – is that an oxymoron?

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So, I am an introvert. This must be understood or nothing that follows will make sense. 🤔😉. I know I’m an introvert because unreliable, potentially invalid online testing told me so. 🤯 Actually, it’s not a surprise. My entire childhood was spent with my nose in a book and my body in the NY Public Library. I may be the only kid I know who had a fake library card. Several library books had been lost in a fire in our apartment and, rather than explain the circumstances to a librarian, I got a library card using my grandmother’s last name.

Now if you’ve met me you might think I’m extroverted because I can be quite opinionated and rarely have a problem expressing it. However, I am only comfortable doing so in a familiar environment. For example, at school (once I became comfortable), with friends and at events like Readers Studio. The shared element here is that I already have a built in support network of friends and co-conspirators who know and love, or at least tolerate, me. I tend not to do well among strangers or in unfamiliar environments. So, after completing several online versions of the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory and being assessed as INFP by all of these different “tests”, I suppose that makes it official – I’m definitely introverted.

I am also a very private person. I tend not to like my personal business being shared hither and yon. Social media interactions often send me running while screaming “Ah, people!!!!” – like Gossamer, the hairy orange monster from Bugs Bunny. However, I obviously maintain a blog in which I share some very personal information with complete strangers. What the f*ck is wrong with me?!! Well, as it turns out, lots of things but not because of blogging. 😜 So, to further explores this matter I did what I often do – a Tarot reading.

I used the Lo Scarabeo Secret Tarot deck and asked:

  • What are the benefits of blogging for me?
  • What are the challenges?
  • What should I focus on with my blog?

I drew The Hanged Man Rx, The Sun Rx, and the 6 of Wands Rx. I know, look at all those reversals!

So my immediate response to these reversals is that this is truly all about me; about my internal processes and how I work through my own swampland of the soul. I don’t blog for others, I do it as a form of journaling; a way to explore the labyrinth within me. It helps me see things from a different perspective and in an objective manner. It also works for me because it doesn’t put me in the spotlight. I’ve never been comfortable being the center of attention or standing out in a crowd, unless it’s a familiar crowd. I do love if someone has gotten something useful from my meandering and tangents and let’s me know but I certainly would be uncomfortable being called out for it in public. Private”atta broads” work just fine for me.

I think I need to focus on the fact that this blog is a record of my struggles, victories and losses. I’m not trying to portray myself as a superhero, far from it. Sometimes I’m a little cuckoo and need to rant. Other times I’m thoughtful and pondering. Other times I’m outrage and frustrated. What ties all this together is that regardless if mindset, I find my Tarot deck a useful tool to help me process it all. And, if any of my processes help anyone else going through similar experiences then I’ll count that as a triumph!

#MessageoftheDay – 4 of Staffs, 8 of Pentacles & 3 of Swords (#MoonGarden # Tarot)

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Today I focused on what will aid me in staying on course with my new journaling goals. I drew:


To me, this reading is a reminder to keep my creative energies focused and balanced; not to overdo things and run out of steam (a tendency of mine).  I also need to reflect along the way so I can fine tune what I’m doing.  To fully real the benefits I also need to be willing to poke at myself; apply my analytical, rational side to evaluating emotional responses to situations.  To make lasting changes in my life I’ll need to sometimes be harsh, almost cruel, in my honesty because repeating the same patterns defeats the purpose.

I’m still enthusiastic about this process but this reading reminds me it’s not all fun and games, at least not if I want lasting, impactful change.