Verbal diarrhea and its uncomfortably awkward consequences

So, those who know me can testify that I have an advanced case of verbal diarrhea; an unregulated need to share my opinion whether or not it’s been requested. I believe that it’s often tolerated because my victims are friends who presumably like me and tolerate my less pleasant aspects. I will also presume that those who don’t like this quality avoid me (and I understand, truly, I consider myself an acquired taste). I think one of the most annoying features of this syndrome is my almost pathological need to inform anyone within listening range when I don’t like someone. I will claim, if asked or taken to task, that I’m just being honest (although my mother swears I use “truth” as a weapon) but I have realized there is more too it than that.

I have a complete and utter intolerance for phony personas or fake friends; I cannot stand hypocrites or people who say one thing and do another. In my convoluted mind, blurting out my dislike of someone is an effort to prevent being a phony. If I say upfront that I don’t like them, then it’s a preemptive strike if I say something negative later in the conversation (“I told you I did like him/her/it”). It’s also a defense mechanism. In my adolescence and teen years I often found myself in situations where I was accused of saying nasty things about people when I hadn’t. So I decided if I’m going to be accused of it I’ll simply take a proactive approach. This may be honest and upfront but I have a feeling it can be exhausting and grating to listen to me rant about it. So I decided to do a reading on it.

Using the Darkness of Light Tarot I pulled these cards to answer the following

What is the root of this behavior? 4 of Cups Rx

What benefits does it bring? Knight of Blades

What challenges does it cause? Queen of Wands

How can it best be handled? 10 of Wands

I see the reversed 4 of Cups as reflecting the defensiveness I mentioned earlier. I got tired of being emotionally hurt and vulnerable, felt depressed about these false accusations, so I hunkered down and hid behind a more assertive, aggressive persona. A persona reflected by the Knight of Blades.

He is a benefit because who would fuck with him? Who can hurt him? He looks impervious and ready to battle if necessary. Unfortunately, he’s also closed off and shielded from interpersonal interactions and human contact which can create a cold, lonely person.

The Queen of Wands points out that one of the challenges caused by this behavior is that I can’t truly be myself. I identify strongly with the Queen of Wands and although she can be opinionated and strong willed, she’s also warm and welcoming. She’s friendly and loyal (traits I might actually possess if one can get passed the prickliness and verbal diarrhea). If I’m so busy shielding and defending myself I can’t act very welcoming and friendly.

The 10 of Wands shows that it can best be handled by considering whether I still want to carry this weight. When it feels too heavy and burdensome, then I’ll put it down or shift it but as things stand I’ll stubbornly keep moving forward because “I can handle it”. At the end of the day I need to be more discerning about when I unleash my Knight of Blades and when I express my Queen of Wands.

At least I’m starting to consider this behavior and I hope that will help me make beneficial changes.

#ChattingwithTarot – 7 of Cups Rx, The Tower + Queen of Pentacles (#Dreamkeepers #Tarot)

Today’s ancestral message: “You’re deliberately ignoring the choices that are available to you; pretending they don’t exist. Instead, you’d rather bitch about the things you can’t do. You need to destroy that pointless, limiting mindset; grind it into the dust beneath your feet, so that you can start over again. You need to relearn who you truly are because you’re not the same person you were 10 years ago. Once you’ve asked yourself those questions you may find yourself in a place of fulfillment, confidence and contentment. You’ll also find yourself better able to nurture and sustain others because you’ll finally be able to nurture and sustain yourself.”

#ChattingwithTarot – Knight of Pentacles, King of Wands + Ace of Wands Rx (#Dreamkeepers #Tarot)

While having a lovely cuppa Harney & Sons Citrus Blend,

I asked my ancestors for guidance, insight and wisdom. This was their response.

“You are the perpetual student, the eternal learner. You are always seeking new knowledge and pursuing new areas of exploration. Even when you master one thing, you eagerly seek to start over again in a different arena. The challenge for you is relaxing and enjoying what you’ve acquired before charging off into your next Quest.”

This message is very true. One of the challenges I regularly deal with is that I am a bit like a dog chasing a squirrel; haring off down a new path without completing the original journey. I do this with many of my hobbies and creative outlets. My ancestors are telling me to “stop and smell the roses”. They’re reminding me that I need to actually embrace what I’ve learned, to implement and put it to use in my life before seeking a new challenge.

#ChattingwithTarot – 10 of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles + Strength (#Dreamkeepers #Tarot)

Hmm, yesterday I drew the Queen followed by the 10 of Pentacles, today it’s the other way ’round. So clearly these energies still need to be explored further.

I think, in this instance, my ancestors are showing me the path to inner strength. They’re reminding me that I need to shuck the persona I wear for others and reconnect with my true inner self. It’s time to stop pretending. The best way for me to fully manifest and fulfill all my potential is to focus on what’s important to me. I need to find what I believe truly matters, not focus on what other’s think should be important to me. Once I’ve nurtured my inner and outer selves, honored my physical, spiritual, emotional and intellectual sides then I will become truly strong. That’s when I’ll be honoring myself and my ancestors.

#ChattingwithTarot – Queen of Pentacles, 10 of Pentacles + 8 of Swords Rx (#Dreamkeepers #Tarot)

My ancestors are being a bit obscure today. I’m not really sure I’m fully grasping their message but this is what I’ve gotten out of it so far.

The only way to fully embrace who I am and what I want to be is to release sense of being entrapped by obligations I didn’t chose. If I want to free myself from the weight and responsibility that weighs me down, I need to change how I perceive them. At the same time, I need to accept that I have chosen to these obligations, even when they prove inconvenient. I need to be careful not get so caught up in my own mind that I trap myself even further. I keep seeing a prison when the only bars that exist are in my mind.

I think this is my ancestors giving me a gentle nudge to remind me that I’m not really trapped, imprisoned. Yes, some of my options are quite limited right now, however, that doesn’t mean that I can’t make choices and engage in activities that will alleviate that sense of oppression. Perhaps it’s also a reminder to focus on the things I have in my life that a good and fulfilling and stop focusing on what I perceive as lacking.

#ChattingwithTarot – 7 of Swords, Knight of Wands+ 10 of Cup (#Dreamkeepers #Tarot)

I think the ancestors are reinforcing their message from yesterday; reminding me that finding ways to sharpen my creative saw will come from my heart and spirit, not my mind.  My default mode tends to be overanalyzing and trying to be logical about things but in this situation that would probably prove more obstacle than beneficial.  If I try to be rational and logical I risk missing what will make me happy and fall into what makes sense.  

The mask on the woman in the 7 of Swords reinforces the idea that I hide behind my intellect.  I logic myself into and out of situations and that won’t serve me well here. She even holds the swords against her body as though her intellect can be armor against potential dangers.  Instead of trying to cover myself in armor, I need to find my quest, follow my heart (or my bliss, to invoke an overused cliche).   I need to open myself up to new possibilities and risk being vulnerable.  This is further reinforced by the positions of the cards.  The woman in the 7 of Swords is looking away from the other two cards while the Knight of Wands faces the woman on the 10 of Cups and offers her a rose.  It’s interesting that the woman on the 7 of Swords wears a dress and shoes that remind me of a dancehall costume and the Knight seems to be using the armor as a shield to hide his more traditional suit.  The woman on the 10 of Cups is draped in a diaphanous scarf that barely covers anything.  She is exposed, vulnerable and open as well as confident and content.  She looks down at the cups with fondness as though the memory of the joy they brought her was worth any sacrifice.  She is exposed and vulnerable but doesn’t seem weak or frightened.

Of course, I mistrust being vulnerable and unprotected.  In the past, it has proven to be dangerous and detrimental to my well-being.  However, I am no longer that person.  I think I can face the world without my protective coating and manage to survive, and even thrive upon, whatever is aimed my way.

#ChattingwithTarot – 9 of Pentacles, 2 of Cups + Knight of Swords Rx (#Dreamkeepers #Tarot)

My ancestors are a bit more encouraging and less scolding today.

They’re pointing out that overall I have a good life; one of financial stability and comfort. I have an amazing marriage to a supportive man who appreciates my crazy. What I’m lacking is intellectual challenges; academic pursuits. I need puzzles to solve and knowledge to acquire. I need a quest!

Of course the only thing stopping me is me. I let myself get bogged down in overly analyzing things; getting so caught up in planning that I never do anything. It safer that way. If I don’t actually begin, I can’t fail. Of course, then I’ll never be truly satisfied either. Tallyho!

#ChattingwithTarot – 4 of Peppermills, 3 of Peppermills + 9 of Peppermills Rx (#Wonderland #Tarot)

After offering the ancestors a nice cuppa Barry’s Irish Breakfast tea (because, of course), I asked what message they wished to gift me with today. Using the Wonderland Tarot, I drew the 4 of Peppermills, 3 of Peppermills and 9 of Peppermills Rx.


My message: “You have a settled, established life right now with a stable relationship but you want things to be a bit more interesting and exciting. You’re seeking out new projects and ways to express your creative side. Enjoy this process but don’t let it become a burden or another task you HAVE to tend rather than something that brings you joy and excitement.”

#TarotDaily – 6 of Pentacles Rx + 2 of Swords Rx (#TrickorTreat)

How are you honoring your true self?

 

I’m honoring my true self by conserving my resources; not giving go much of myself away. At the same time I’m learning to value myself and what I bring to the table. Instead of treating my gifts and knowledge as worthless, I’m beginning to appreciate how worthwhile they truly are.

I’m learning to see within myself more clearly and in a more balanced way. I still have biases and preconceived notions that skew my view but I’m more aware of them. It’s still a struggle but I’m more willing to fight the good fight so that I can honor and value my true self.

#TarotDaily – Page of Pentacles Rx + Queen of Swords Rx + Wheel of Fortune (#TrickorTreat)

How are you feeling trapped? How did you get to this point? What is your next step?

I trapped myself into believing I would always be a student, never confident enough to practice or teach. Instead, I convince myself I still have more to learn. I don’t have faith in my skills and knowledge, too afraid to put myself out there.

I don’t value or nurture my own intellect. Instead I pretend I have nothing new to offer. Instead of trying to share my unique insights and thoughts and communicating them to interested parties, I downplay it; denigrate it; treat it as if it’s nothing special.

My next step is to change these things. To paraphrase line from Mad Max:. Beyond Thunderdome, I need to break a deal and spin the wheel. I need to break free from this mindset that undermines my confidence and prevents me from recognizing my gifts. I need to create magick in my life; break the curse under which I’ve placed myself. No one else can do it for me.

This beautifully complements yesterday’s reading.