Tag Archives: Transformation

Week 42 – How can I mend my damaged soul? (#TarotReading #MarseilleWaiteTarot #52WeekProject)

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Mending a Damaged Soul Spread by Janet Jendrzejewski from 101 Tarot Spreads by 20 Modern Tarot Masters by Sheilaa Hite

I found this spread while browsing through the book I’m looking for something that would feel appropriate to work with this week.  This reading fits beautifully with a conversation I’ve been having with a friend about forgiving ourselves and changing familial patterns that impact our lives.

I decided to modify it and only pull four cards from the 8 in this spread.  I asked:

  • How do I forgive what was done to me?  10 of Batons Rx
  • How can I reclaim what I lost, what was taken from me or what I’ve kept hidden?  7 of Sword
  • What does my soul need to be whole again and to flourish once more?  Le Mat
  • How can I mend my damaged soul?  Justice
10 of Batons RX, 7 of Epees, Le Mat & La Justice from The Marseille-Waite Tarot by Emmanuelle Iger

The figure on the 10 of Batons is so burdened that she cannot even see the path in front of her.  She is so caught up in the responsibility, the weight that she bears, she cannot even see the path ahead.  Reversed I believe this card is telling me it’s time to let this burden go.  The burdens of past harms and abuses is exactly that – the past. Nothing I do now can change what has already happened.  It’s very similar to the situation with my brother-in-law.  Were there things that could have been done in the past that would have made this situation significantly better?  Of course, but they didn’t happen.  Nothing I do now changes that.  Carrying the burden of my brother-in-law’s long-term care should never have been mine.  Even though it will be hard to put him in someone else’s care that doesn’t mean I’m at fault, or that I am doing anything wrong.  The only way to forgive what was done to me is to let it go.  Just drop that burden to the ground and walk away.  Simple in concept, a little more challenging in execution

The figure on the 7 of Epees looks behind her, not just to see if the coast is clear but also to ensure that Le Mat was able to begin her journey.  She wants to assure herself that her efforts were not in vain.  Similarly to the message of the reversed 10 of Batons, this card’s message feels very clear to me.  The only way to reclaim what I lost is to literally go and grab it and walk away.  I need to revisit who I used to be before.  This is a message that’s come up for me a number of times it is a work in progress.  I see this card is reaffirming and reinforcing that.  It’s also interesting that she is carrying five swords and leaving two behind.  This brings to mind the concept that I am going to be moving forward with my life and pieces of me will be left behind because I have lost my husband and because Edward will no longer be a dominant part of my life.  Just looking at this card next to Le Mat also reminds me that eventually Edward and I will be going in separate directions.  I will be moving forward, while still keeping an eye on him, to the next phase in my life.  He will be The Fool, moving forward to the next phase in his.

Le Mat shows me that I need to be more willing to take chances; to have more faith in myself and trust that this journey will take me in the direction I need to go. I need to let it be about the journey and the joy and the new experiences and not about some specific goal. One of the things I’ve noticed about myself is that I often won’t try new things because I feel the need to study for months or years first so that I can get it perfect. Sometimes that really takes the fun out of it. I think the fool is showing me that I need to bring more fun and a more whimsical sense of adventure into my life and not worry so much about goals being achieved. I’ve already lived that life and it’s time to let it go and move in a different direction.

One of the messages I’m receiving from Justice appearing in answer to this question is that one way to mend my soul is to stop being so harsh on myself. I need to be fair to myself and I also need to be fair to those who have “trespassed against” me. This reading reminds me of the Our Father where the congregants say “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us”. I think it’s important to remember that I have done wrong probably as often as I have been wronged. That’s not always a pleasant fact to accept, but if I’m being fair and impartial I have to acknowledge it. And I think the only way to truly heal what damage remains in my soul is to understand that it is part of being human. That doesn’t mean I can’t work on improving it or attempting to make reparations to those I’ve wronged. It does mean I need to try being more clear sighted and impartial when looking at these past offenses.

The overall message I get from this reading is that my soul is not quite is damaged as I feared. There is still work to be done, but I truly believe that our journey through life is all about doing this work. If there’s nothing left to achieve then what’s the point. Despite the fact that the focus of this reading is mending a damaged soul, it has helped me realize that my soul is healing and transforming. I almost get the sense it’s like our lungs when we finally quit smoking. It may take years, but if we take care of our body there is every chance our lungs will return to a healthier condition. I think that’s where my soul is right now on its way to returning to its pink and healthy condition. It may bear some scars and damage that will never truly heal but that doesn’t mean it’s irreparably broken. That gives me a lot of hope and happiness.

Week 34 – Forgiveness (#TarotReading #ShiningTribeTarot #52WeekProject)

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When I was younger, I would listen to people talk about how forgiveness was healing and that it was to the benefit of the forgiver more than the one forgiven, and I snorted in disbelief. Like many teens and young adults, I was arrogantly sure that my righteous anger was better than any potential healing forgiving someone might bring. Needless to say, as with so many things, maturity has taught me the folly of that belief.

Several years back I was working for a non-profit agency. There was a supervisor there with whom I had a challenged relationship. Overall we seem to get along fairly well however whenever there was a situation in which he was my supervisor I seem to irritate him. I think he was concerned that my loyalty was not to him. To be fair, in some ways that was true because I did have other supervisors, and in many cases my loyalty was to them. But he never understood that I could be loyal to more than one person if I felt that that loyalty was also extended to me. I never felt that with this person. He eventually became the executive director of this non-profit agency and within a few years of his ascension I was fired. Allegedly it was because there was no money to continue funding my position. However, considering that after I was gone someone else took the exact same job I would have to question that. Needless to say, I was devastated for years after. It was very traumatic, and I held on to anger and hostility towards this person for many, many years.

Recently I reconnected with two co-workers from that agency. During the course of our conversation this person was mentioned. I knew he had been fired from the non-profit where we were a few years after me. I have no idea why he was let go, but I will admit to experiencing a sense of schadenfreude when I heard the news. While talking with my friend, she mentioned that he had been out of work for a few years and was having a difficult time finding a new job. Based on things I’ve heard about this person, he is his own worst enemy and unfortunately has a tendency to undermine himself. However when my friend mentioned that he was interviewing for a new position I found myself genuinely wishing him well. That’s when I realized, I had finally let go of my anger and forgave him. The truth is I might have let go of the anger years ago but had no reason to consider it. Now that I was looking at it, I understood that I had finally let It go and I felt better, lighter. I finally understood what people meant when they said forgiveness helped the forgiver as much as, or more than, the forgiven. So I decided to pull some cards to explore how this situation influenced me.

  • How did holding on to the anger benefit me? The Chariot
  • How did releasing the anger and forgiving help me? 8 of Rivers
  • How can I embrace this lesson and allow this healing energy to benefit me in the future? 2 of Trees
The Chariot, 8 of Rivers & 2 of Trees from The Shining Tribe Tarot

The Chariot shows me that the anger allowed me to feel I had control over the situation or that I had some ability to influence it in some way. It allowed me to create a “sour grapes” type of scenario and convince myself that the agency didn’t deserve me anyway. Holding on to the anger helped me create a mask to hide behind and avoid dealing with the feelings of hurt and betrayal.

In the 8 of Rivers, Rachel Pollack writes “the 8 of Rivers shows the powerful new self who emerges after the liberating effective anger or simply telling the truth. The card says: if you feel like a new person trusts the feeling”. I cannot imagine a more perfect card appearing in response to this question! I do feel liberated and freer. I feel as though I was able to release some of those inner demons haunting me; or better said take off the mask of anger I was hiding behind to reveal a truer self. By releasing the anger, I opened myself up to connecting to my emotions on a deeper level.

Rachel writes “The trees form a gate that opens to new experience. The image suggests a gateway, a moment in our lives when we feel opportunities open before us. Opening to a higher level of awareness”. I can embrace this lesson by seeing it as the opportunity that it is; embracing its potential for transformation. In Tarot, the twos often represent a partnership. In this instance, I think the 2 of Trees is showing me that what I need to partner my emotional and spiritual side so that I can embrace the opportunities this experience is presenting to me.

This experience has helped me shed the angry, emotionally immature part of myself, and will allow me to move forward with a less reactive, childish mindset. It also helped me realize that holding on to that anger was giving that person power over my life, something to which they have never been entitled. Was it a devastating experience? Yes. Was it a learning experience? Also, yes. Did it break me? No, it made me stronger. Holding on to the resentment and anger I felt towards this person created a narrative of victimhood, and I refuse to be a victim. Realizing that I am able to, and have, released it allows me to change that narrative.

Week 29 – Like a Mountain Spread (#TarotReading #WheelofChangeTarot #52WeekProject)

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Like a Mountain Spread by Stevie Converse from Sheilaa Hite’s 101 Tarot Spreads by 20 Modern Tarot Masters

I found this spread in Sheilaa Hite’s 101 Tarot Spreads by 20 Modern Tarot Masters.  It looked intriguing and I decided this was something I needed to focus on this week.  So, I shuffled my Wheel of Change Tarot deck, and drew the following cards.

The Tower Rx, Ace of Wands, 10 of Disks & The High Priestess from The Wheel of Change Tarot

I have to admit, I always love when I get these kinds of readings.  The message just seemed so clear to me.  The Tower reversed is showing the nature of the storm is that I have already lost one of the most important things in the world to me – my hubby.  And now I’m dealing with the aftermath of that loss from a practical perspective, an emotional perspective, every possible perspective.  Especially as it pertains to trying to make arrangements for future care of my brother-in-law.  This is the mess that I have been left to clean up after my world has fallen down around me.  That is the storm which has been consuming my life for the last 2 years.

The 10 of Disks appearing in response to bedrock of support seems both revealing and a bit confusing.  From a financial perspective, things will be fine once everything is back on track.  My husband always made it a priority to try to ensure that I would be in a solid financial position if something happened to him.  However, looking at all the drums on this card, it also shows me that some of the bedrock is not as stable as it might appear.  There are people involved in this situation who are beating their drums, promising to help, and in reality they’re creating a lot of sound and fury signifying nothing. The truth is, it’s very easy to pay lip service to something and much more challenging to actually follow through.  I do have the support of friends and family, but there is a limit to what they can do.  Some of them do not live near me or they have their own responsibilities that need attending.  I think some of these extraneous drums refer to some of the people whose job it is to help find a new residence for my brother-in-law.  The ones who promise they’re doing everything they can, and yet there’s been absolutely no progress.  Interesting.

The Ace of Wands as my shelter from the storm tells me that my creative and spiritual endeavors are what will help me get through this with my sanity intact.  I think this reinforces the benefits of my renewed daily spiritual practice as a very healing tool.  It also makes me feel a little less guilty about some of the splurging I’ve done recently on art supplies.  I might have been indulging in some retail therapy; I might have been preparing myself to explore new artistic endeavors. Time will tell.

And, last but certainly not least, the rainbow after the storm is The High Priestess.  I think she’s telling me that everything that I am going through, all of the tools I’m using to help me process & manage my stress, my grief & my frustration, will ultimately leave me with a much better understanding of myself, and a deep inner knowledge of who I am, and who I am becoming.

I found this to be a very positive reading for me.  It reinforces that although things are difficult right now, and I will need to beat my own drum more, things will work out for the best.  I may need to take some action to clear away the drums that aren’t playing my tune, despite what they claim, but I think I can handle it.

Waking up from a terrifying dream #TarotReading #HauntedHouseTarot

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So, since my husband died I find myself trying to speak with him every night before I fall asleep. I ask him to give me some kind of sign that he’s still with me in some way and I’ve never gotten one. It frustrated me because I believe in the afterlife and in the soul traveling to the Otherworld after death; and I felt like I was being cheated. I was rather angry about it. It was bad enough that he died on me but now I had no connection, no sense that he was still there at all. Until the other night.

I dreamed I was in my house, not a house I have ever actually owned but I knew it was my house. I also knew that my husband was there. I’m not sure how I knew this because I couldn’t see or hear him, but I was sure he was there. I was getting ready for something but I don’t know what. Then I heard footsteps walking through the house and knew that it was John coming my way. He finally stood in the doorway where I could see him. I took one look at him and turned away towards the wall screaming in horror. I was so terrified that I woke myself up and began sobbing. The figure I saw standing in the doorway bore almost no resemblance to my husband and in fact reminded me more of a Frankenstein type monster. I was shaken by this dream for days afterwards.

So, I processed this dream the way I process anything that bothers me – I did a tarot reading. Using Sasha Graham’s Haunted House Tarot, I pulled 3 cards:

  1. What is the dream telling me? Knight of Wands Rx
  2. Why did my husband appear that way? The Wheel of Fortune Rx
  3. What terrified me? Justice

After looking at these cards, this is my interpretation of this reading. The first sentence that popped in my head upon seeing the reversed Knight of Wands is from the original Planet of the Apes movie. Dr. Zaius warns Taylor to be careful what he looks for because he might not like what he finds. I think that’s what this card is showing me. I’m trying to reach out beyond the veil for some type of reassurance from my husband but now might not be the time for that. What I discover might be more disturbing than I’m ready to handle. I have no idea how time flows in the afterlife or how a human soul processes transitioning to that level. Perhaps the living aren’t supposed to know these things or at least I’m not supposed to at this time.

The reversed Wheel of Fortune tells me that John appeared the way he did because he’s not finished transitioning yet. He hasn’t fully adapted to his new reality and so he looks like an unfinished science experiment. At the same time I can’t help but feel touched and reassured that despite this he still reached out to reassure me because he always tried to do that.

Justice was a little trickier for me to interpret. It wasn’t until I looked at the actual image on the card that a connection was made. The dream terrified me because if I had been able to fully connect to my deceased husband I think it would have thrown me off balance; so off balance that there would have been psychological and physical health repercussions. The female figure in the forefront of the Justice card looks like an old fashioned nurse. This makes me think that as things are right now my health would be endangered and that’s what terrified me. My soul was protecting itself.

When I first woke up from the stream I was so upset and disturbed. It really shook me. However, upon further reflection it has calmed me and helped me move forward in my grieving process. I realize now it’s not that my husband doesn’t want to connect with me; it’s just not advisable right now. Just knowing that he was willing to make the attempt, even if it wasn’t ultimately in either of our best interests, is reassuring and reminds me how much he loved me. I know now that I will reconnect with him someday; if not in this life then in the next. That makes me feel lighter.

#TarotDaily – 9 of Swords Rx + Knight of Pentacles Rx (#TrickorTreat)

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What is beginning to wither in your life that deserves more of your attention?

This I interesting because I think what’s withering in my life is the influence of the inner demons and self-doubt that have often plagued and haunted me. Even though I still pay lip-service to not being confident and valuing my self, I think the reality is that I am confident I just didn’t realize it or embrace it. It deserves more of my attention because I have to fully incorporate this into my self perception and how I interact with the outer world. I have a chance to make some interesting changes and transform the rest of my life but first I have to accept that those inner demons don’t have power over me anymore.

The reversed Knight of Pentacles suggests that I don’t need should be so defensive; trying to insulate myself with protective layers. It doesn’t mean I have to rush to make these changes but I can take my time and cut through that protection like peeling an onion. This is an opportunity to get back to the core of who I am and who I want to be.

#TarotDaily – Page of Pentacles Rx + Queen of Swords Rx + Wheel of Fortune (#TrickorTreat)

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How are you feeling trapped? How did you get to this point? What is your next step?

I trapped myself into believing I would always be a student, never confident enough to practice or teach. Instead, I convince myself I still have more to learn. I don’t have faith in my skills and knowledge, too afraid to put myself out there.

I don’t value or nurture my own intellect. Instead I pretend I have nothing new to offer. Instead of trying to share my unique insights and thoughts and communicating them to interested parties, I downplay it; denigrate it; treat it as if it’s nothing special.

My next step is to change these things. To paraphrase line from Mad Max:. Beyond Thunderdome, I need to break a deal and spin the wheel. I need to break free from this mindset that undermines my confidence and prevents me from recognizing my gifts. I need to create magick in my life; break the curse under which I’ve placed myself. No one else can do it for me.

This beautifully complements yesterday’s reading.

#TarotDaily – High Priestess Rx + Wheel of Fortune Rx (#TrickorTreat)

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How are you stuck? What can you do to free yourself?

I’m stuck because I’m afraid to trust my intuition, my instincts; fearful of going through that doorway and facing who I am and who I am meant to be. It’s as though I know there is knowledge and wisdom available for me to use on the other side of that door but I’m reluctant to explore it.

Change. The only thing that can free me is change. Rather than being a passive participant in my own life, waiting for Fate to determine what happens next, I need to grab that damned wheel and spin it. I need to be a true witch and be the change I want to see in my life. Whatever I want to become next, will be determined by my actions now. Hesitating serves no purpose; faintheartedness won’t produce the future I desire. So I need to decide what my destination will be and plot the route to get me there.

#TarotDaily – Death + 8 of Cups (#AllHallows)

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How might your knowledge empower other people?

Oh my! This feels very powerful and impactful to and for me. Transformation, dramatic changes, shedding old skin – Death can mean any and all of these. Is that how I can help others – aid them in processing major life changes? Would I be any good at that? I remember that after my mother-in-law died I felt blessed and empowered by witnessing her passing and helping prepare her body to move on to the next stage (the crematorium). Tending her as she deteriorated and prepared to meet death made me stronger and less fearful of dying.

The image on the 8 of Cups reinforces the need to release things before you can move on – whether it is emotional ties or material possessions. If we can’t let go of loved ones we prevent ourselves from moving on to the next level of our own journey.

Perhaps exploring ways to share this with others could prove fulfilling. Sounds like an interesting topic for future blog posts. Of course I hope I can avoid meaningless platitudes and jingoistic bullshit. Let’s face it, transformation is hard and it can hurt like hell! Sometimes we don’t realize how much pain we feel until something rips off the scab and reminds us the wound is still there. Then again constantly picking the scab doesn’t help either. We need to find a balance but before that we probably spend a lot of time bouncing back and forth between hope and despair. Healing ain’t easy and I’m not sure if I’d be suited to the task. I guess time will tell.

#TarotDaily – The Guru Rx + 6 of Stakes (Sacred Bridges)

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TarotHunter’s Salt Rounds:

  • Stop listening to false prophets or self-aggrandizing experts, instead listen to those who truly lead by example; those whose words are logical and sensible; those who have lived through the experiences of which they speak.
  • When traditional methods and concepts no longer suit the situation you need to find alternative paths. Sometimes we can’t find the answers we seek in history or the ways things were done before. It may be time to explore new ideas and open new communication channels so the situation becomes clearer and less divisive.
  • If current leaders and pundits rely on outmoded, useless and even detrimental practices and beliefs then it may be time for change. If you truly believe this then now might be a good time for you to guide others to a new way of thinking; to explain how things can transform for the better. Be the change you want to see in the world.

#TarotDaily – Death + King of Wands Rx (Grand Luxe)

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Tarot Hunter’s Salt Rounds

  • Are you hiding yourself from changes that are necessary? Doing so might be negatively impacting your creative energy.
  • If you wish to unleash your full creative potential, achieve mastery in your desired field then you may need to release things that no longer serve you.
  • Effective leadership requires more than charisma and glib promises. It’s possible to transform oneself into a strong, positive leader but it requires commitment and dedication.