Have you ever had the feeling that your friends are mad at you or ditched you in advance? Just a sense that there’s something wrong but you don’t know what it is? It spirals out of control and you’re convinced you’ve done something to offend people, but since you don’t know what it is you can’t fix it. Then when you finally get in touch with your friends you realize there’s nothing wrong they just got caught up in their own life? I have an unfortunate history of that type of mental gymnastics. The first time I realized I do this was at a Tarot conference back in 2002. Well before the omnipresence of cell phones, I had returned to my room but expected to meet my friends once I returned. When I got back downstairs I couldn’t find anybody that I knew. I wanted around for a bit and didn’t stumble across any familiar faces. I eventually returned to my room and watched TV, convinced everyone else was at some party to which I had not been invited. When I ran into my friends the next day they all asked where I had been. I explained what happened and several of them asked why I didn’t just call their rooms. That’s when we realized none of us knew which rooms the other was staying in. So I created much to do about nothing.
Even after all these years I still replicate this pattern. If I send a friend an email or text message and don’t hear from them within two or three days, I immediately assume I’ve done something and they’re angry with me. When I hear from them again, it turns out that they were busy or they didn’t get the message or some other non-dramatic reason was the cause. Since this is a pattern that continues to repeat in my life, I decided maybe it was time to take a look and get some insight from the Universe using Tarot.
- What is the root of this feeling? Reine des Epees Rx
- What triggers it now? 6 des Epees
- What will help cure this issue? Cavalier des Coupes
The root of this feeling is my own self doubts and inner critic. I don’t feel worthy of having friends. I often joke that I’m an acquired taste because I can be abrasive and opinionated. I often think that these traits will alienate people; that they will grow tired of them and avoid me. The reality is it has happened in the past so I’m not pulling these beliefs out of thin air. The Reine des Epees Rx reminds me that my responses to these situations is not that of the mature, thoughtful person I have become. Instead, I’m responding as if I’m still the insecure, hurt child I once was. A more logical, rational response to these incidences would better serve me.
I think one of the key triggers right now is the sense of isolation I’m still experiencing in my life. Basically, I’m in this boat with just me and my brother-in-law. We may be guided on the journey by the ferryman however he is simply taking us from Point A to Point B. Our survival once we get there will fall on my shoulders. At the same time, I understand that once we do reach the end of this journey I will continue on alone. That will force me to reassess and reevaluate what kind of relationships I want in my life, and if I want to change the ones I do have. I also think that it’s the nature of the beast right now. I don’t have the freedom I desire and it’s frustrating.
Having the freedom to move forward and begin to explore new interests and new relationships, to discover new paths and interests, should help improve this situation. I think one of the reasons it still occurs is because I have the time to dwell on it. When there is nothing external to distract me I tend to obsess over internal stuff. This is a pattern I need to consciously make an effort to change.
From a visual perspective what struck me about these three cards is the flow between them. La Reine des Epees faces the opposite direction from the other two because she is reversed. She is blocked and unable to express her full potential. However unleashing the gifts of her intellect and dispelling all those self-doubts will allow her to move forward; to travel to a place where she can more express her snarky, witty self with love and compassion and embrace her inner Cup side. Once she no longer needs to be the one in charge of the situation, she will have the flexibility and freedom to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new quests. She will no longer have the time to obsess over much ado about nothing because she will be finding the emotional fulfillment she desires.