Unfocused, apathetic and filled with ennui. What the hell is wrong with me? (#Tarot #TarotReading #MuseTarot)

For the past few months I have been at loose ends. I can’t focus; haven’t been able to even start a new book; don’t even feel like changing out of my pajamas. As a result, I feel like a sloth. So I decided to gain some insight by using Tarot to explore what’s going on with me.

Using the Muse Tarot, I asked:

  • Why am I so unfocused?  Queen of Materials Rx
  • What can change this?  10 of Inspiration
  • What underlying factors impact this?  3 of Voices Rx


  • Looking at the cards helped me realize that isolation and quarantine are negatively impacting me (something I’m sure us not unique right now.  I can’t manifest what I want in my life.  I’ve been forced into a caretaker role which is not innate to my nature and feels as though it’s sucking all my creative energies.  I can’t focus on my needs and care for myself because I have to focus on others, and I rail against this restriction.

    I can change this by taking baby steps; nurturing and tending to one interest, one creative endeavor even when I feel too worn out.  Using the large amphora carried by the woman, I can carefully refill the smaller jars and slowly refuel.  Instead of focusing on what I can’t do right now, explore what I can.

    The reversed 3 of Voices touches on childhood feelings of feeling abandoned and excluded; as though I’ve been ditched in advance.  Growing up I was always an oddball, a misfit and didn’t fit in well with most of my peer group.  I had friends but even they didn’t get me.  Quite often I felt like everyone else spoke in a code I didn’t understand and regularly mocked me (yes, I had issues).  Being isolated and disconnected from friends and family right now triggers a lot of those feelings and made me realize it’s something I might need to work on a bit more.

    I know I’m not alone in these feelings.  In fact, in an odd way it’s reassuring to see other crafters expressing similar feelings or chatting with friends and hearing they’re going through their own moments of isolation and frustration.  It helps me understand that I’m not in this alone, even if it feels that way right now.  The best way for me to handle it is focusing on what I can do and using my creative energies in ways that revive and rejuvenate me.

    The Tenacity of The Star (#LightSeer’s #Tarot)

    This card was actually drawn on January 23rd but it took me a couple of days to process it. I see it as the flip side to The Devil card that I drew on the 22nd and the reading I did in my previous post.

    Having The Star appear so closely after The Devil shows that hope and healing are still possible even after such a harrowing experience. We can still find a light in the darkness no matter how how intense and overwhelming that Darkness might seem.

    So, in exploring The Star’s message I pulled chords to answer the following questions:

    1. How can we reinforce the thread of Hope offered in The Star? 2 of Cups Rx
    2. What will heal the wounds left by The Devil? Temperance
    3. How can we shine brightly again? 6 of Cups
    4. What is the bright side to be found in this experience? The Magician Rx

    What struck me about the reverse 2 of cups is that the image digests one way to re-enforce The Hope and healing shown in the store is by sharing our love and emotions, which we might usually keep between close friends and family or romantic partners, with others. We need to learn to embrace those that might be different and love them anyway. I may no longer practice Catholicism but the energy of this car reminds me very much of Jesus’s teachings to love one another as we would want to be loved; to turn the other cheek and forgive those who have hurt us. Such a simple but powerful message and one that I think will ultimately serve us all in the long run.

    Temperance speaks of being forged into a stronger people. Using our differences as strength instead of a method to divide us. if we can move past the need to assign blame we can instead work to respect each other’s opinions and appreciate what we eat bring to the table two for joy nation into a place stronger, better and healthier than it has been in the past. It will not be an easy process and will require a lot of pounding out issues, smoothing disagreements and cooling tempers but if we truly wish it to be it can be done.

    The 6 of Cups reminds us that we can shine brightly by growing up and accepting that the past is the past. We can’t allow nostalgic tunnel vision to blind us to the fact that things are different now and we need to adjust. The good old days were probably not as good as we remember and we can make a future that will be brighter as a result of facing that reality. We can also look at who we once were and try to become the person that our younger, more idealistic, self hoped and thought we would be. Or more simply put, be the person your dog thinks you are. Sometimes we let reality beat us down and loose sight of our better, higher selves. If this experience has taught us nothing else, it’s shown us how important it is to hold onto that side of our nature rather than wallowing in our most venal petty nature.

    And finally we have The Magician Rx. I can’t think of a clearer way to show that the bright side we can find in this experience is to not submit ourselves to the will of others. Even if we agree with the beliefs and dictates of the people in power, that doesn’t mean we should unquestioningly follow their lead. The unfortunate truth is that people in positions of authority can quite easily abuse it. If we do not challenge them and hold them accountable, we might as well be cult members or living in a dictatorship. It has been said by wiser minds than mine that “Eternal vigilance is the price of liberty” and I think that’s the message The Magician Rx offers us. We can’t rest on our laurels and trust those in positions of authority to always have our best interests at heart. We can’t let them drive things forward without demanding accountability and explanations. We can’t be mindless sheep or we risk losing everything we claim to value.

    One of the visual themes that struck me in all of these cards is the transferring of energy. Whether it is energy coming from the universe to us, from us to others, or from us to the universe, each card seems to show this exchange in one form or another. To me, this represents the beauty and simplicity of “as above so below” and “as below so above”. We reap what we sow. The wolf we feed is the one that grows larger. These are warnings we have heard at various points which I think are very appropriate right now. if we want to heal as a nation then that’s where we need to focus on energy not on continuing to demonise or villainize one side over the other. This doesn’t mean that people shouldn’t be called to account for the wrongs they have perpetrated simply that we need to focus as much or more energy on moving forward and healing. I guess at it’s core, that’s what The Star offers us – the chance to move beyond The Devil’s traps and temptations towards healing and light.

    Rabid Righteousness or Why I Don’t Want to Be Like Ben or Harry #Tarot #HauntedHouseTarot #NightoftheLivingDead

    So, rather strange title but it’s drawn from a rather strange epiphany. The other night I watched the 1990 remake of George Romero’s Night of the Living Dead. If you haven’t seen it, I recommend it. It’s similar to the original in many ways – same cast of characters, same basic scenario, but it has some clear differences too. The point of this post isn’t to critique or compare the movies, it’s to share an odd revelation I had while watching it.

    Ben and Harry, referred to in the title, are two of the characters hiding in a farmhouse. Ben is black and Harry is white; neither are locals. We know little about their backstories but judging books by covers, I’m guessing Harry is a middle class suburbanite while Ben might come from a more urban area (but I could be completely wrong). Regardless of their origins, both men share a trait – the need to be right and in charge. As I watched their battles for dominance; their inability to compromise and work together to defend themselves from zombies, it hit me that this is what American politics has become.

    Both sides, whether it’s Republican/Democrat or Conservative/Liberal, have gotten to a point where there is no longer any true discussion of issues or compromise. It’s merely the dominant party forcing their will on the other. Everything seems to fall along party lines. Even at the street level, how many of us have stopped talking to or following friends because we disagree with their political views and we can’t discuss it calmly or rationally or simply agree to disagree? In the meantime the zombies are coming and we’ll get annihilated.

    Well, I’ve decided I want to try NOT being part of the problem. I want to listen to others’ opinions even if I disagree with them (as long as they’re not trying to proselytize 🤪). How can I understand where they’re coming from if I don’t listen to what they believe and why. To get some guidance on this I pulled out my handy dandy Haunted House Tarot and asked “How can I be more open to the opinions of others and to compromise?”

    I drew the 4 of Pentacles Rx, The World and the 2 of Pentacles

    The 4 of Pentacles reversed seems to show with voodoo doll holding a pentacle. I think it’s reminding me that I don’t have all the answers and I can’t bend others to my will. I can’t force people to believe the way I believe. So, I need to accept other people’s opinions, viewpoints and perspectives. I don’t have to agree with them, or even listen to them in some cases, but I do need to acknowledge their right to have to have differing opinions from mine. In fact, it’s not my place to grant them that right – the Constitution does that. Maybe if I stop trying to be deaf, dumb and blindly stubborn about it, I can actually engage in a conversation rather than an argument.

    The World holds the key; controls the house. In politics this refers to a very specific form of power. What it reminds me is that even if you hold the keys you still need the support and aid of others to maintain it. The woman stands in the doorway, holding the key – clearly in charge, but visible behind her is a group of people who helped her achieve control of the house. None of us exists in a vacuum; no one is an island. We can’t maintain a house without some help. Maybe it’s time we remembered that.

    The 2 of Pentacles might be my favorite card in this reading. It reminds me there are two sides to a coin and at least two sides to every story. If we only focus on our differences and perceived wrongs, we will never find common ground. Without common ground how can our house maintain integrity? As Abraham Lincoln once stated “a house divided against itself cannot stand”. If we keep going at this rate it feels like we’ll shake apart from the pressure. We’ll become so busy battling for dominance and proving we were right that we lose sight of the zombies, the real problems and threats. I’d like to stop contributing to that trend.

    So, hopefully I can learn from Ben’s and Harry’s mistakes and stop fighting so furiously to be “right” that I lose sight of what is actually important and in the best interests of all involved.

    A blogging introvert – is that an oxymoron?

    So, I am an introvert. This must be understood or nothing that follows will make sense. 🤔😉. I know I’m an introvert because unreliable, potentially invalid online testing told me so. 🤯 Actually, it’s not a surprise. My entire childhood was spent with my nose in a book and my body in the NY Public Library. I may be the only kid I know who had a fake library card. Several library books had been lost in a fire in our apartment and, rather than explain the circumstances to a librarian, I got a library card using my grandmother’s last name.

    Now if you’ve met me you might think I’m extroverted because I can be quite opinionated and rarely have a problem expressing it. However, I am only comfortable doing so in a familiar environment. For example, at school (once I became comfortable), with friends and at events like Readers Studio. The shared element here is that I already have a built in support network of friends and co-conspirators who know and love, or at least tolerate, me. I tend not to do well among strangers or in unfamiliar environments. So, after completing several online versions of the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory and being assessed as INFP by all of these different “tests”, I suppose that makes it official – I’m definitely introverted.

    I am also a very private person. I tend not to like my personal business being shared hither and yon. Social media interactions often send me running while screaming “Ah, people!!!!” – like Gossamer, the hairy orange monster from Bugs Bunny. However, I obviously maintain a blog in which I share some very personal information with complete strangers. What the f*ck is wrong with me?!! Well, as it turns out, lots of things but not because of blogging. 😜 So, to further explores this matter I did what I often do – a Tarot reading.

    I used the Lo Scarabeo Secret Tarot deck and asked:

    • What are the benefits of blogging for me?
    • What are the challenges?
    • What should I focus on with my blog?

    I drew The Hanged Man Rx, The Sun Rx, and the 6 of Wands Rx. I know, look at all those reversals!

    So my immediate response to these reversals is that this is truly all about me; about my internal processes and how I work through my own swampland of the soul. I don’t blog for others, I do it as a form of journaling; a way to explore the labyrinth within me. It helps me see things from a different perspective and in an objective manner. It also works for me because it doesn’t put me in the spotlight. I’ve never been comfortable being the center of attention or standing out in a crowd, unless it’s a familiar crowd. I do love if someone has gotten something useful from my meandering and tangents and let’s me know but I certainly would be uncomfortable being called out for it in public. Private”atta broads” work just fine for me.

    I think I need to focus on the fact that this blog is a record of my struggles, victories and losses. I’m not trying to portray myself as a superhero, far from it. Sometimes I’m a little cuckoo and need to rant. Other times I’m thoughtful and pondering. Other times I’m outrage and frustrated. What ties all this together is that regardless if mindset, I find my Tarot deck a useful tool to help me process it all. And, if any of my processes help anyone else going through similar experiences then I’ll count that as a triumph!

    #MessageoftheDay – 7 of Cups Rx, 2 of Wands & 8 of Cups (#MoonGarden #Tarot)

    Today I focused on how to deal with the crazy because, to be perfectly honest, each new day convinces me even more that everyone is going cuckoo bananas. I’m not even trying to engage in debates with people any more because it seems like we’ve all picked a side and rabidly defend it, including me.

    Anyway, between daily stress, COVID stress and political stress, I’m feeling like a piece of taffy bring stretched beyond reason. So I asked my handy dandy, wibbly wobbly Tarot deck for some insight on how to handle this. The response I received:

    These cards show me that it’s all smoke and mirrors; the promises and rewards being offered are illusions. I can’t see the truth because it’s obfuscated by spin, rhetoric & implicit biases. I can’t find my way to that castle on the hill because the path is clouded and impossible to navigate.

    If I want to create something for myself; to start a new project or partnership then I need to focus on myself. I need to start putting together the foundation that will help me get there. I need to unleash the energy and magic that will reveal the right path for me.

    And finally, I need to know when it’s time to walk away. At certain points I need to release my emotional attachments to things which no longer serve me or help me progress forward. Whether these attachments are possessions, memories or views of myself and those around me, it’s time to let go. A reality check is needed and rose colored glasses contribute to the cloudy, obscured path I’m trying to move passed.

    #MessageoftheDay – 4 of Staffs, 8 of Pentacles & 3 of Swords (#MoonGarden # Tarot)

    Today I focused on what will aid me in staying on course with my new journaling goals. I drew:


    To me, this reading is a reminder to keep my creative energies focused and balanced; not to overdo things and run out of steam (a tendency of mine).  I also need to reflect along the way so I can fine tune what I’m doing.  To fully real the benefits I also need to be willing to poke at myself; apply my analytical, rational side to evaluating emotional responses to situations.  To make lasting changes in my life I’ll need to sometimes be harsh, almost cruel, in my honesty because repeating the same patterns defeats the purpose.

    I’m still enthusiastic about this process but this reading reminds me it’s not all fun and games, at least not if I want lasting, impactful change.

    #MessageoftheDay – Queen of Cups, Strength Rx & The Sun (#MoonGarden #Tarot)

    So, it’s been a while. Like many of you I’ve gotten lost in the crazy. Between politics, health concerns and personal losses I can honestly say 2020 has been a year of major suckage so far. So to distract myself I’m rededicating myself to journaling – art, writing and bullet.

    I was inspired by seeing an example of Benjamin Franklin’s daily schedule. It’s elegant and profound in it’s simplicity.

    It excited me and made me want to follow his lead. I love the idea of taking time each day to focus on what good I shall do and what good have I done this day. Such a simple question and yet I already feel challenged answering it.

    Ironically, many years ago I used a Franklin Covey planner and even attended a workshop designed to aid my in getting the fullest benefit from this system. I found it too boring and time intensive to suit my needs and style. It’s a shame such a simple, effective system became bloated and bogged down (well, at least I thought so).

    So, anyway, to celebrate this new focus I decided to ask the Tarot what will best help me stay on course with this new goal. I drew:

    My first response is to laugh because I’m a Leo sun sign so both Strength and The Sun connect with that part of me. And, as those who have followed me for a while might remember, I’m really not a big fan of the suit of Cups (I’m working on it, I’m working on it!). Considering these three as a whole I think the key for me will be following my heart and nurturing my emotional side. That will help me take the inner beast that can be easily distracted and become resistant and unpleasant. Once I’ve embraced and bonded with that inner wildness and feralness, I’ll be able to shine and feel accomplished and victorious.

    Well, that’s my take on it. Now I’ll see if I can achieve this goal.

    #MessageoftheDay – Ace of Cup Rx, 9 of Wands Rx + Strength Rx (#FairyLights #Tarot)

    Today I focused on what will help me keep my sanity during this quarantine. I drew

    All three cards being reversed suggests the answers can only be found within me. Looking for external solutions is merely a distraction.

    The reversed Ace of Cups shows I need to find new ways to embrace joy. What will bring joy into my life? Good question. Things that make my heart sing include reading, coloring, crafting and my hubby. All of these things are relatively unimpacted by the current situation. Unfortunately, that hasn’t stopped me from seeking solace in retail therapy. Instead of crafting from my stash, I keep scouring online sites for things I simply “must have”. It’s pointless and wasteful. I really don’t need more stuff; instead I need to play with the stuff I already have.

    I’m also learning to appreciate and enjoy the wildlife around me. In addition to the heron that still sporadically visits, the property around me has chipmunks, squirrels, sparrows, a pair of cardinals and a band of blue jays that regularly visit. I offer them peanuts in the shell and bird food and they seem to appreciate it. The band of blue jays is a riot to watch. The squirrels have learned to show off for me and the cardinals are rather shy but all make me smile and make my heart happy.

    The reversed 9 of Wands tells me I need to find ways of being comfortable doing it alone. I’ve never really been a social butterfly but even I am craving human interaction. Online social connections are always an option but not a favorite. More than that, I think this card reflects missing the fun of working in a group; of spending time around fellow hobbyists. That’s impossible as things stand but I gave seen YouTubers streaming live craft sessions which allows one to watch and interact as much or as little as desired. That’s certainly one option to create a “working alone together” ambiance.

    Strength reversed reminds me this situation isn’t just about internal fortitude, it’s about physical condition too. Now is not the time to play through the pain. As much as I hate admitting it, I am in an at-risk group. Ignoring public health warnings would be foolhardy and potentially put others at risk. So, as frustrating as it is, now isn’t the time to show how big & brave and fearless I might be. It’s the time to step back and let the worst if it pass. This isn’t weakness, it’s common sense.

    So, overall this reading is reinforcing what I already know and reminding me, nagging me, to remember that staying the course is the smart move right now. Not my preferred path, I’ll admit, but definitely the wiser one.

    #MessageoftheDay – 10 of Pentacles, Ace of Wands Rx + King of Swords (#FairyLights #Tarot)

    The 10 of Pentacles reminds me being happy & safe at home (well safe at home anyway) is a blessing. I am among those lucky enough to be able to afford to do that. Are there challenges, of course, they are but I am truly thankful that it’s even a possibility.

    The Ace of Wands reversed reminds me of all the blocked, untapped energy floating around out there. I can’t speak for anyone else, but this entire situation is making me feel fried. I can’t focus and it’s an effort to light my fire enough to begin any kind of project. It’s complicated by the fact that on beautiful days I can’t even leave the house. So I try to satisfy myself but simply observing the world around me. I pay attention to the chipmunks & squirrels, the blue jays and cardinals. I’m beginning to see things I never noticed before because I didn’t take the time.

    The King of Swords points out that dealing with this situation from a place of logic and intellect is going to prove more useful and beneficial than freaking out or allowing the frustration to lead to actions that might worsen things. It also encourages me to listen to those with the knowledge and experience to handle these types of scenarios. Despite my paranoid conspiracy theorist tendencies, now is not the time to succumb to speculation.

    #MessageoftheDay – 9 of Swords, 2 of Pentacles + Justice Rx (Haunted Mansion Tarot)

    “Only you can truly free yourself from this Nightmare. Balance needs to be found and a way to tread carefully between the different interests that must be served. At the end of the day, changes may occur but Justice will probably not be served.”