How can I release the impact sins of others have left upon my psyche? 6 of Wands Rx
How can I walk through my past to heal my present? 3 of Cups Rx
Of course, being the snarky soul I am, my first response to Death was “Right, of course I’d have to die in order to learn to love myself.” Sassy snark aside, I think what Death is truly trying to let me know is that in order to love myself I have to defeat those self-denigrating habits that prevent it. I need to slay those inner demons who whisper poison in my soul (“you’re not good enough”, “no one really likes you”, “so & so does that much better than you do”), you know the drill. I’m sure we all have moments when we’re pits of self-loathing with self-esteem and self-worth in the sub, sub-basement. With the ways things are going lately it’s easy to allows these feelings to become overwhelming, because, as I mentioned in a previous post, being concerned about this kind of inner growth when the world around us seems to be going to shit feels self-indulgent and frivolous. Well fuck that! I have made a new resolution that the only way to make things better on a national or global scale is to make things better on a personal scale – as below, so above. What needs to die are all those self-defeating behaviors and crippling self-doubts. If I want to transform the world, first I need to transform myself!
The 6 of Wands is interesting because the image shows a woman on horseback freeing herself from the grasps of a crowd of hooded figures. The LWB mentions that the woman is “breaking free of the brood”. I think it’s showing me that the potential for feeling victorious & accomplished; the way to appreciate and embrace my achievements is to free myself from those self doubts and inner demons; these psychic scars left upon my soul by others. The way to victory is to slay those damn fuckers, defeat those who thought they’d permanently damaged me, and let myself emerge transformed and starting to heal.
In the LWB the listing for the 3 of Cups mentions intoxication and drowning in pleasure. Reversed, I feel as though I’m drowning my sorrows in distractions. Instead of celebrating I’m self-medicating. Granted, I’m not pouring booze down my throat but I do indulge in bouts of retail therapy or gorging on unhealthy food choices. Once again I think the message of the reversal is that the only thing preventing my from celebrating my joy and happiness, exploring my dreams with friends and loved ones is that I need to free myself from those negative beliefs and inner demons (fucking inner demons are such a pain in my ass!). The way forward is through and I need to charge through them and keep going even as they try to pull me back (I keep envisioning this struggle as Milo trying to free himself from The Doldrums in The Phantom Tollbooth)
I’m feeling rather inspired lately (which is a nice change) and I’m determined to keep moving forward even if my momentum is more like one step forward, two steps back. At least it’s some progress. It’s too easy to fall into despair and hopelessness but then they win – the demons both inner and outer, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let that happen. I’m a fighter and all I need to do now is focus on the win so I can win!
Today I focused on how to deal with the crazy because, to be perfectly honest, each new day convinces me even more that everyone is going cuckoo bananas. I’m not even trying to engage in debates with people any more because it seems like we’ve all picked a side and rabidly defend it, including me.
Anyway, between daily stress, COVID stress and political stress, I’m feeling like a piece of taffy bring stretched beyond reason. So I asked my handy dandy, wibbly wobbly Tarot deck for some insight on how to handle this. The response I received:
These cards show me that it’s all smoke and mirrors; the promises and rewards being offered are illusions. I can’t see the truth because it’s obfuscated by spin, rhetoric & implicit biases. I can’t find my way to that castle on the hill because the path is clouded and impossible to navigate.
If I want to create something for myself; to start a new project or partnership then I need to focus on myself. I need to start putting together the foundation that will help me get there. I need to unleash the energy and magic that will reveal the right path for me.
And finally, I need to know when it’s time to walk away. At certain points I need to release my emotional attachments to things which no longer serve me or help me progress forward. Whether these attachments are possessions, memories or views of myself and those around me, it’s time to let go. A reality check is needed and rose colored glasses contribute to the cloudy, obscured path I’m trying to move passed.
Today I focused on what will aid me in staying on course with my new journaling goals. I drew:
To me, this reading is a reminder to keep my creative energies focused and balanced; not to overdo things and run out of steam (a tendency of mine). I also need to reflect along the way so I can fine tune what I’m doing. To fully real the benefits I also need to be willing to poke at myself; apply my analytical, rational side to evaluating emotional responses to situations. To make lasting changes in my life I’ll need to sometimes be harsh, almost cruel, in my honesty because repeating the same patterns defeats the purpose.
I’m still enthusiastic about this process but this reading reminds me it’s not all fun and games, at least not if I want lasting, impactful change.
Today’s ancestral message: “You’re deliberately ignoring the choices that are available to you; pretending they don’t exist. Instead, you’d rather bitch about the things you can’t do. You need to destroy that pointless, limiting mindset; grind it into the dust beneath your feet, so that you can start over again. You need to relearn who you truly are because you’re not the same person you were 10 years ago. Once you’ve asked yourself those questions you may find yourself in a place of fulfillment, confidence and contentment. You’ll also find yourself better able to nurture and sustain others because you’ll finally be able to nurture and sustain yourself.”
There’s a lot of battered and broken going on here; desolation and devastation, but at the core hope remains. I think my ancestors are reminding me that no matter how bad things get, how destructive they seem, hope remains.
Maybe there are important lessons that must be learned in the brokenness and devastation. What will be built after the rubble is cleared away will be better, stronger and healthier. There are always people willing to fight the good fight and I can choose to be a fighter or become part of the rubble.
My ancestors seem to be reminding me that in my core I’m an optimist. Despite how ugly and unpleasant things may get, I ultimately believe in the human spirit. I believe people are good. The trick is to remind them of that fact.
Today the ancestors are taking the opportunity to remind me that in order to pursue interesting projects or find ways to collaboratively express my creative energies (which they feel is a key to keeping me strong enough to keep moving forward), I need to look in my heart. I need to find ways to reconnect with that little girl who loved to dance and wanted a tutu.
Being strong is very useful but sometimes it means I tolerate intolerable situations because I’m “tough”. As I have often joked, the women in my family are not delicate, china teacups – we’re sturdy, plain mugs able to take the occasional rough patches. What this has also meant is that we often put up with difficult situations far longer than is healthy. Strength and fortitude can become burdens if a situation is endured beyond reason.
I think this message is my ancestors reminding me that being able to take a punch can be useful but that doesn’t mean someone who dreams and dances in a tutu is weak. It’s a different kind of strength Listening to your heart and following its wishes mean believing in yourself and being willing to look foolish or open yourself up emotionally in order to achieve those dreams. Am I strong enough to risk having my dreams laughed at if others feel they’re silly? I like to believe so but I guess time will tell.
Today’s tea & chat with the ancestors produced a rather encouraging response. I really needed an upbeat and supportive message today.
So, my message from my ancestors: “The world is your oyster if you’re willing to take the chance. It’s time to let go of what has held you back in the past; stop focusing on a poverty mindset. It’s not about what you have or don’t have, it’s about what you do with what you’ve got. Stop hiding who you are, cowering behind the curtain and peeking out as life passes you by Just jump into the thick of it and get moving!”
So, my ancestors were unexpectedly charitable today. Instead of the usual smack upside the head (in a loving, concerned manner of course), I got a bit of an “attagirl”. They’re reminding me that I’ve learned a lot over the years. In fact, I’ve learned enough that I could teach certain things if I chose to do so. I just need to maintain confidence in myself; keep my expertise, enthusiasm, and ability to engage others in the forefront. I also need to make sure I enjoy what I’m doing. At the end of the day what I know and how I convey that is only beneficial if I enjoy doing it. Otherwise, it becomes just one more chore over the course of my life.
Today while sharing a cuppa tea with my #ancestors. I asked for some advice & guidance. This was their reply:
I heard “You’re wasting time, hoping for the perfect opportunity. Stop futzing around and move forward. Trust that the direction in which you’re moving is the way you’re meant to go. You’ve done a lot of hard work; sown a lot of seeds; honed your skills. Now it’s time to real the benefits and embrace your achievements.”
Over my afternoon cuppa @HarneyTea’s wondrous Viennese Earl Grey blend, I had my chat with the Divine (today it felt rather like Grandma Burke, my paternal grandmother, decided to pay a call). Her message to me:
What I heard, “Enough already! I get it, you’re feeling frustrated and stifled because life right now requires you to focus on being nurturing and somewhat maternal – not your favorite thing. You think your creative juices are drying up from lack of use. I call bullshit! You aren’t looking at things clearly. Open up you damn eyes and see what’s really going on. See how you can change things so your creative energies find expression. Stop waiting for things to change and make it happen! Stop letting self-pity hold you down. You already know the answer so trust your instincts.”