Tag Archives: Letting Go & Releasing

Week 36 – The Will-Fate-Fortune-Destiny Spread by Mary K. Greer (#TarotReading #ShiningTribeTarot #52WeekProject)

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The Will-Fate-Fortune-Destiny Spread by Mary K. Greer from 101 Tarot Spreads by 20 Modern Tarot Masters Vol 1 by Sheilaa Hite
  • My Current Will – The Lovers Rx
  • My Current Fate – 2 of Trees
  • My Current Fortune – 8 of Birds Rx
  • My Current Destiny – 5 of Stones
Shining Tribe Tarot

My current will, as represented by The Lovers Rx, is to not focus my energies on a relationship with anyone else.  I’ve already had a relationship with someone who was perfect for me and I lost him.  Part of the process of learning to live without him is realizing that by the very nature of our relationship I changed for him and he changed for me.  There are things I might have explored or pads I would have taken except I knew he had no interest in them.  It seemed unfair to try to subject him to participate in activities he wouldn’t enjoy.  He was always kind enough to extend that same courtesy to me.  I think what the lovers reversed to showing is that right now my conscious intent is to learn to love myself and to reconnect with the Divine side of my own nature.  Isn’t there a saying that before you can love someone else you need to learn to love yourself.  I think this car is showing that my focus right now is on learning to love myself more.

The 2 of Trees suggests that my current fate is to continue exploring my creative energies and outlets.  I think it will also be beneficial to find new people that can help me break through to the next level with regard to creativity.  People who can help me learn and expand my knowledge base.  Once again this is a message that has come up for me several times in the past few months so I think it’s reinforcing and reaffirming that this is the path I need to explore moving forward.

According to Rachel’s companion book, the 8 of Birds Rx can indicate the need to find a voice and unlock the doors in the self; a process of recovery and the release of blocks to creativity.  I think the appearance of this card reinforces the idea that happenstance is exactly how I’ve been processing things lately.  I have often found that synchronicity regularly applies in my life.  I discover new creative outlets or find a book I’m supposed to read exactly when I will be open, and ready, to utilize it.  I connect with specific people who can help me with a certain area in my life at just the right moment.  The very fact that I’ve been getting messages from my Tarot readings that help me with this process shows how this energy plays out in my life.

I’m headed to face my inner demons.  These ghosts like figures on the 5 of Stones strike me as scary until one is able to face them and receive their message.  Rachel describes this as a card of internal healing, and finding one’s personal values; recognizing your own power.  All of this has been part of my journey since losing my husband.  At the center of it is facing my own fears about being alone, and having to deal with things by myself.  At the same time, it also indicates that this is an opportunity for me to relearn what brings me joy outside of my relationship with my husband.  I realized in the last couple of months that our relationship was very much a closed unit.  We were very happy together but we also didn’t need anybody else.  Now I have to be open to new relationships because I’m learning that there is truth to the saying that no one is an island. This is especially true as it pertains to the situation with my brother-in-law. I’ve recently really realized that my own refusal to ask for help has resulted in me bearing additional burdens when I didn’t have to. As Dumbledore once told Harry Potter, help is always available at Hogwarts to those who ask.

This reading seemed to reinforce elements in my life that have already begun to manifest and have been coming into play. I see it more as a reaffirmation that I’m moving in the right direction than giving any earth-shattering revelations. It’s as if the Tarot gave me a cosmic “atta girl”. And I’ll take it!

Week 34 – Forgiveness (#TarotReading #ShiningTribeTarot #52WeekProject)

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When I was younger, I would listen to people talk about how forgiveness was healing and that it was to the benefit of the forgiver more than the one forgiven, and I snorted in disbelief. Like many teens and young adults, I was arrogantly sure that my righteous anger was better than any potential healing forgiving someone might bring. Needless to say, as with so many things, maturity has taught me the folly of that belief.

Several years back I was working for a non-profit agency. There was a supervisor there with whom I had a challenged relationship. Overall we seem to get along fairly well however whenever there was a situation in which he was my supervisor I seem to irritate him. I think he was concerned that my loyalty was not to him. To be fair, in some ways that was true because I did have other supervisors, and in many cases my loyalty was to them. But he never understood that I could be loyal to more than one person if I felt that that loyalty was also extended to me. I never felt that with this person. He eventually became the executive director of this non-profit agency and within a few years of his ascension I was fired. Allegedly it was because there was no money to continue funding my position. However, considering that after I was gone someone else took the exact same job I would have to question that. Needless to say, I was devastated for years after. It was very traumatic, and I held on to anger and hostility towards this person for many, many years.

Recently I reconnected with two co-workers from that agency. During the course of our conversation this person was mentioned. I knew he had been fired from the non-profit where we were a few years after me. I have no idea why he was let go, but I will admit to experiencing a sense of schadenfreude when I heard the news. While talking with my friend, she mentioned that he had been out of work for a few years and was having a difficult time finding a new job. Based on things I’ve heard about this person, he is his own worst enemy and unfortunately has a tendency to undermine himself. However when my friend mentioned that he was interviewing for a new position I found myself genuinely wishing him well. That’s when I realized, I had finally let go of my anger and forgave him. The truth is I might have let go of the anger years ago but had no reason to consider it. Now that I was looking at it, I understood that I had finally let It go and I felt better, lighter. I finally understood what people meant when they said forgiveness helped the forgiver as much as, or more than, the forgiven. So I decided to pull some cards to explore how this situation influenced me.

  • How did holding on to the anger benefit me? The Chariot
  • How did releasing the anger and forgiving help me? 8 of Rivers
  • How can I embrace this lesson and allow this healing energy to benefit me in the future? 2 of Trees
The Chariot, 8 of Rivers & 2 of Trees from The Shining Tribe Tarot

The Chariot shows me that the anger allowed me to feel I had control over the situation or that I had some ability to influence it in some way. It allowed me to create a “sour grapes” type of scenario and convince myself that the agency didn’t deserve me anyway. Holding on to the anger helped me create a mask to hide behind and avoid dealing with the feelings of hurt and betrayal.

In the 8 of Rivers, Rachel Pollack writes “the 8 of Rivers shows the powerful new self who emerges after the liberating effective anger or simply telling the truth. The card says: if you feel like a new person trusts the feeling”. I cannot imagine a more perfect card appearing in response to this question! I do feel liberated and freer. I feel as though I was able to release some of those inner demons haunting me; or better said take off the mask of anger I was hiding behind to reveal a truer self. By releasing the anger, I opened myself up to connecting to my emotions on a deeper level.

Rachel writes “The trees form a gate that opens to new experience. The image suggests a gateway, a moment in our lives when we feel opportunities open before us. Opening to a higher level of awareness”. I can embrace this lesson by seeing it as the opportunity that it is; embracing its potential for transformation. In Tarot, the twos often represent a partnership. In this instance, I think the 2 of Trees is showing me that what I need to partner my emotional and spiritual side so that I can embrace the opportunities this experience is presenting to me.

This experience has helped me shed the angry, emotionally immature part of myself, and will allow me to move forward with a less reactive, childish mindset. It also helped me realize that holding on to that anger was giving that person power over my life, something to which they have never been entitled. Was it a devastating experience? Yes. Was it a learning experience? Also, yes. Did it break me? No, it made me stronger. Holding on to the resentment and anger I felt towards this person created a narrative of victimhood, and I refuse to be a victim. Realizing that I am able to, and have, released it allows me to change that narrative.

Week 33 – Message of the Speaker of Stones (#TarotReading #ShiningTribeTarot #52WeekProject)

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I couldn’t think of what I wanted to focus on in my reading this week so I decided to pull a card from The Shining Tribe Tarot and create some questions based on the energies of the card. I drew the Speaker of Stones Rx, and developed these questions.

Speaker of Stones – The Shining Tribe Tarot
  • How can I unburden myself of some of the obligations & responsibilities I now carry?  The Chariot Rx
  • What blocks me from manifesting the reality I desire?  2 of Trees Rx
  • What advice can the Speaker of Stones offer?  The Sun Rx
The Chariot Rx, 2 of Trees Rx, and The Sun Rx – The Shining Tribe Tarot

The way I can unburden myself, according to The Chariot Rx, is to start taking charge of the direction my life is taking; advocate for myself. This card reminds me that, despite the protestations otherwise, the people involved in finding placement for my brother-in-law do not have my best interests at heart. Once again, to be fair to them, that’s not their job. So I need to take a stand, pick up the reins, and make sure that I’m moving my life in the direction that I want. If I keep waiting for them to make the necessary changes, I’m going to be stuck in stasis for a long time.

The 2 of Trees Rx reminds me of previous messages I’ve received indicating that I need to start building a team to help me. I need to find sympathetic collaborators to aid me in resolving this current situation. That’s the only way I will be able to manifest the future and reality I desire.

The Speaker of Stones reminds me, once again, that I need to change things if I want to have my day in The Sun. I have all the potential necessary to be able to shine, and have opportunities for success and achievement. I can’t manifest them right now because my reality is so limited and I’m still buried under my obligations. I feel rather like a seed that’s too far beneath the Earth, and can’t feel the sun’s rays. The only way I can change that is to start digging myself out from under it.

Overall, I think this reading shows that the possibilities are there, the potential exists, for me to take the steps necessary to release my burdens. However in order to do this I need to take action and not wait for things to happen on their own timetable. The truth of the matter is no one is going to save me from this but me.

Week 27 – How can I strengthen my connection to my gods? (TarotReading #FörhäxaTarot #CelticWisdomTarot #52WeekProject)

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I have developed a daily devotional practice honoring the Earth mother,  the nature spirits, the ancestors, the gods and goddesses that my people honored as well as specific individual deities with whom I feel a stronger connection.  I try to keep it fairly simple; offering nuts to the Earth mother, critter food to the nature spirits and tea to the ancestors and the gods.  I also used tea for the offering when I’m honoring a specific deity or ancestor, except my husband – he gets coffee.  So far this seems to work out very well.  After making an offering to a specific ancestor or deity, I take an omen ADF style.  When the ancestor or deity is Irish, I use my Celtic Wisdom Tarot for the omen.  For my Norse deities I pull a rune.  Usually this works fine but every so often things get confusing.

One of the deities that I am trying to build a stronger relationship with is The Morrigan.  I have felt drawn to her for many years, but haven’t actually taken any steps to enhance that bond.  So recently when I made my first offering to her as part of my daily devotional practice, I received The Shaper (Empress) reversed as my omen/message.  As soon as I saw this card I heard a voice in my head telling me “I am not your mother and this is not going to be a kinder, gentler relationship”.  Honestly this felt completely appropriate and typical of the kind of energy that I have often felt while working with The Morrigan.  She’s not soft and cuddly, and if that’s what I’m looking for she would not be the best goddess with whom to align myself.

The next time I made an offering the card I drew was the Augury of Skill (Ace of Wands) reversed.  The image on the card represents the Irish deity Lugh and his spear, which is considered one of the treasures of the Tuatha de Danann.  One of the aspects described to Lugh is that he is “many skilled”.  So I can see him being associated with the suit of Wands because he is a source of creativity.  However having this show up reversed is the message I received confused me a little bit. 

The next day the deity that I honored is The Dagda, the Good Father of the Tuatha de Danann, a god of great knowledge, a skilled warrior, and an inspired musician.  He possesses a cauldron from which none walk away hungry.  He also happens to be considered by many to be the husband of The Morrigan.  On a personal note, my husband always struck me as a wonderful embodiment of The Dagda’s energy manifested on this plane.  When I pulled a card to receive my message from him, I received the Queen of Battle, The Morrigan.  In my head I heard a voice telling me “you need to make sure you understand who she is and what she will be requiring of you”.  In other words I had to make sure I had made “right” my relationship with The Morrigan.

So to help me figure out the best way to do this I pulled three more cards for clarification.  I asked The Morrigan what was the best way to establish a “right” relationship with her?  I drew Woman of Battle Rx, Quest of Art, and Woman of Art (Page of Air Rx, 10 of Water & Page of Water).  When I looked at these cards I got distracted by the figures from Irish mythology and folklore that they represented.  The Woman of Battle is Queen Maeve.  The 10 of Art shows the Salmon of Wisdom being found in The Well of Segais.  The Woman of Art represented by  Boann, the goddess of the Boyne River whose mythology is also associated with The Well of Segais.  My initial response to reading these cards is that The Morrigan was showing me that our relationship will be a battle but not one of the mind.  She doesn’t really need to work on my intelligence or mental abilities, because I am fairly comfortable and confident in these areas. However the presence of the 10 and Page of Water suggest that where we will battle is the realm of emotions, the heart. I decided to pull the matching cards from the Förhäxa Tarot to help clarify things for me. It also intrigued me that the two Water cards are connected with a well known as a source of great wisdom. In other words, if I want to actually acquire wisdom, not just knowledge, I need to dive into The Well of my own emotions.

Celtic Wisdom Tarot
Förhäxa Tarot

Looking at these cards I had to laugh. The wasp-like shape of the Queen of Air reinforces the idea that I’m going to get stung with some things, will be hurt, but ultimately will be helped. The only way for me to move forward is to let go of the past. The Page of Air Rx suggests that in the past focusing more on my intelligence, logic, and knowledge was a way of protecting myself. If I became like Mr Spock, I wouldn’t have to worry about being hurt by the slings and barbs of others. In some ways, I see myself as Sheldon from Big Bang Theory. I may be insensitive and seem heartless, but most times it’s because I just don’t understand what it is people want or expect from me. I know I should offer distressed people a hot refreshing beverage but don’t always understand why. The roots of that developed as an effort to protect my very soft inner center from the pain of friends who betrayed me or classmates who mocked me. I understand that in many cases they were as clueless as I was, but those barbs dug deep and still reside in my soul. As a result, I put on very thick armor to pretend none of it impacted me, didn’t bother me. In reality I was curled up and crying on the inside.

Similar messages have appeared for me numerous times over the past few months.  It has become clear that one of the lessons I need to learn moving forward is to grow more comfortable with that side of my nature; to explore my inner emotions.  This is rarely something I will do voluntarily.  So it makes perfect sense that the only lens through which I would be willing to explore this side of my nature is the one provided by The Morrigan. She’s not going to cuddle me and Pat me on the back saying “there, there”. Instead she is basically going to slap me at the back of the head and say “put on your big girl panties, and keep going. All of this is in the past. It can’t hurt you anymore unless you let it”. The truth is I know that, but very much like exercising or eating right, that’s often the harder choice to make, so I avoid it. The Morrigan is showing me she’s not going to let me avoid this anymore. I’m both a little terrified and excited. This will really be uncharted territory for me.

Week 11 Caring for Myself (#TarotReading #DarkWoodTarot #52WeekProject)

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Last week’s left me wondering how I could follow the message of the Page of Cups – taking better care of myself listening to my inner self. So I decided this week that would be the focus of my question. I kind of loosely envisioned the positions as Body, Mind and Spirit, but I wasn’t focused on those positions when I pulled the cards. Of course, as is so often the case in my relationship with Tarot and this deck in particular, I didn’t need to focus on positions to get the message I needed to hear.

The World, The Sun and 10 of Swords from Sasha Graham’s Dark Wood Tarot

The first thing that struck me about all three of these cards that they’re female, which I love. It makes it that much more personal for me. Two of these women are entirely nude, which reminds me that the best way to actually make myself a priority is to be completely honest with myself; to bare my soul, no matter how frightening that might seem. The figure in the final card wears a very revealing dress which suggests she is in the process of baring herself in order to move on to the next level.

The World reminds me that it’s time to make my physical health a priority; to make it the center of my focus. For many years my own health and physical needs have been put on a back burner and I’ve suffered the consequences of that choice. If I want to move forward from a place of health and wellness, I need to focus on eating well and being more physically active. I want to get to a place where I’m as proud of my physical self as the woman on this card.

The Sun, a card for which my Leo Sun has a strong affinity, shows me that my mindset also needs a shift so that once again I understand that it’s okay to make myself a priority. To move forward with a healthy mindset, and let go of the guilt and responsibility that have been holding me down for the last few years, I need to accept that it’s my time to shine; my time to be in the Sun. It’s okay to shine and not hide my light because I might be worried about other people will think. The Sun also reminds me that it’s okay to be warmed by the recognition and praise of others. I’m often very resistant to compliments. The Sun reminds me that there’s nothing wrong with having one’s achievements recognized.

The 10 of Swords suggest that this might be the most challenging part of my journey, the one I struggle with the hardest. At the same time, it may be the most achievable because it’s the one requiring the most practical steps. This will require me to face all those inner demons and slay them; to make my own journey into the darkness of my soul like Inanna. I have a feeling it’s going to be like lancing a boil or removing a splinter – initially painful, but ultimately necessary to allow healing.

Overall I find this reading very positive and a reminder that many of the things I’m struggling with right now can be changed by a shifting of mindset and being more positive and gentle with myself. Pounding myself into submission isn’t the answer to this situation. It requires a more subtle, sharp, Swords approach rather than my usual blunt, Wands approach. If I can follow the advice of this reading I think it will produce a hugely positive outcome which will produce long term, life changing benefits.

Week 8 The (Un)Stuck Spread (#TarotReading #DarkWoodTarot #52WeekProject)

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I’ve been feeling spectacularly stupid lately. I’m second-guessing myself and questioning every decision I make. Much of this is the result of a bad judgment call I made a few weeks ago, prepaying someone for a job that hadn’t been completed yet. That person is now demanding more money to complete the work that should have been covered by the original payment. This is made me feel I’m on shaky ground, and caused me to feel like the first class fool. So I decided to do what I always do when I feel this way – work with my Tarot deck. I found the spread below in Sheilaa Hite Presents 101 Tarot Spreads by 20 Modern Tarot Masters Vol 1. I don’t necessarily need to explore why I feel foolish but how I can get rid of that sensation.

The (Un)Stuck Spread by Sarah Berry
Knight of Wands Rx, The Tower, The Star + 4 of Pentacles Rx Dark Wood Tarot

The Knight of Wands Rx reveals the I need to let go of the idea that I can handle things the way I could when I was younger or when I had John. I just don’t have the same energy level that I had when I was in my 30s or even 40s. The book offers this tidbit “Small issues steal focus from productive energy”. I think this is another way of saying that my energy is so scattered that I can’t focus on anything right now. I need to focus my energies on what’s really important and break free of the distractedness that is sapping my resolve. The truth is I’m not a good multitasker. So, instead of fighting against myself I need to start handling things one issue at a time and then move on to the next one.

The tower is a reminder that I’ve experienced three dramatic life-altering stressful issues all at once. That’s not an easy thing to process, and I need to allow myself to take the time necessary to process it. I haven’t fully processed John’s death. Trying to arrange for Edward to be settled somewhere, and selling this house on top of that is probably much too ambitious right now. Dealing with any one of these issues right now would be a challenge; trying to handle all three at once is insanity.

The Star is telling me that there is always hope. It always seems darkest before the dawn, but eventually there will be healing and a Star to guide me on my way. It’s something that can sustain me when things feel overwhelming.

The 4 of Pentacles Rx is reminding me that I need to work on not holding so tightly to things; not to be pennywise and pound foolish. I also think it’s a reminder not to ignore my own health and physical needs, which has been easy to do with what’s been going on.

It’s ironic, this reading told me exactly what I needed to hear right now to kickstart me and help me feel unstuck. It’s always fun when the Tarot gives me a smack upside the head and reality check.

Week 7 Autumn Equinox Spread (#TarotReading #LePsychoTarot #52WeekProject)

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I found this spread on Litha Rose’s website and thought it would be a great way to celebrate the Sabbat!

Temperance Rx, 8 of Cups Rx, The Chariot, 4 of Coins & 2 of Cups Rx from Le Psycho Tarot/The New Tarot by Hurley & Horler

1. What is my harvest? (Celebrate this!)  Temperance Rx –  Temperance Rx shows that my harvest is forging the things I want to do and the things I must do into a balanced and cohesive whole.  This is still a work in progress for me but I am very happy with the success I’ve had so far.  Temperance is always a challenge for me because it speaks of moderation and being temperate, neither of which are innate to my nature.

2. How can I best spend this autumn season?  8 of Cups Rx –  Seeing this card made me hear the song Let It Go.  To me, it’s about putting the mourning behind me; about focusing on what I want to bring into my life going forward, not what I have to leave behind. That doesn’t mean I won’t always miss my husband, simply that I won’t lose myself in the grief.

3. How can I best close off this year?  The Chariot – I can best close off this year by taking the reins of my own life. It’s been a challenge since my husband passed away, taking over the responsibility for things that I always let him handle. It’s made me passive in certain aspects of my own life. I think the Chariot is showing that it’s time to pick those reins up again and start becoming more focused about where I want to steer my course.

4. How can I find more balance in my life?   4 of Coins – Unlike the usual imagery for this card, this 4 of Coins seems more about conserving one’s physical essence and tending to ones health. Or maybe that’s what I’m seeing because that is what would be extremely appropriate for me right now. I’ve been so focused on taking care of others for the past few years that I have lost sight of my own health. This card points out that I need to be more balanced in this respect and start to put my own physical concerns and health needs on a par with those of others.

5. What can I find if I descend in the dark and look inward?  2 of Cups Rx – I will find true emotional balance. I will find a way to merge and blend the light and dark halves of my spirit and heart. If there is one thing I’ve learned since my husband died, it’s that a relationship with someone else requires compromise, which forces us to downplay or give up pieces of who we are. Whether we want to acknowledge it or not, in a truly beneficial, loving relationship, both parties change certain aspects of their personality in order to maintain a healthy relationship. Perhaps we drop interest in certain things because our partner doesn’t enjoy them. Or we don’t want to force participation in an activity they won’t enjoy. One of the most interesting aspects I’m finding about widowhood is that I don’t have to compromise with anyone anymore. I can do what I want, when I want. That is both amazingly freeing and absolutely terrifying! And I think it pertains to this card because what it’s showing is that right now is that descending into darkness will help me strengthen and further explore my relationship with myself.

Week 6 Tarot Spread for Autumn: The Hanged Man Season (#TarotReading #LePsychoTarot #52WeekProject)

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Cards from The New Tarot/Le Psycho Tarot by Hurley & Horler

My friend Diane sent me a link to this reading from the Llewellyn website.  I thought it looked interesting and decided to use it as my spread for this week.  I find the message the cards have given me to be fascinating (of course I would, it’s about my life 😉)

Pile One:
Top Card: The Hanged Man Question: What do I currently need to let go of and release in my life?  8 of Cups
Bottom Card: An additional message from The Hanged Man. 7 of Swords Rx

Pile Two:
Top Card: The Chariot Question: Where should I put my focus for moving forward?  3 of Cups
Bottom Card: An additional message from The Chariot.  9 of Cups

Pile Three:
Top Card: Ancestors Question: Advice from the Ancestors.  Ace of Cups
Bottom Card: More advice from the ancestors.  King of Coins/Earth.

The 8 of Cups is showing me that what I need to release is my emotional connection to things which meant something in my past but no longer resonate for me. One of the first things that comes to mind is my doll collection. I have a rather large collection of Barbie and other fashion dolls and they haven’t sparked Joy in quite some time. It’s time for me to let them go so I can make room in my life for something new. I also think this refers releasing any lingering guilt about the situation with my brother-in-law. Intellectually, I understand that what I’m doing is not only the right thing, it’s the best thing. However that doesn’t mean I’m not occasionally hit with twinges of regret and frustration that I have to make this decision; that I was left to clean up this mess. The addition of the seven of Swords reversed suggests to me that the guilt I’m taking on isn’t mine to bear. What I need to release is feeling responsible for other people’s burdens. It’s time to start reclaiming my own life, and the only way I can do this is to stop carrying guilt, sorrow, and emotional entanglements that hamper me from moving forward.

The 3 of Cups shows me that my focus should be on finding what sparks joy in my life; finding new friends and social connections that help me enjoy and celebrate what awaits me down this road. Instead of saying no to things, I need to start saying yes and open myself up to the fun and happiness that can bring. This seems to be even more reinforced by the 9 of Cups, which certainly suggests feeling emotionally fulfilled and having your wishes come true. It’s time for me to take control and steer my path along the road that will bring fun, joy, happiness, and emotional fulfillment.

My ancestors seem to be reinforcing the message abov by giving me the Ace of Cups. Once again, I get a sense of reconnecting with my heart; rediscovering things that bring me joy and a sense of contentment and happiness. It is enhanced by the King of Coins, which tells me that once I find my emotional core and reconnect with my inner dreams, live a more heart centered life, I will finally realize my own worth and feel better able to deal with the practical day-to-day realities. I will become the ruler of my life; become more grounded, practical, and learn to appreciate and care for my body as well as my heart, mind and soul.

This reading has been illuminating in many ways; reinforcing some things I already knew. It’s helped me fine tune where I need to channel my energies as well as come closer to accepting other things which I’ve known for some time but resisted.

Anniversary Gift (#PearlsofWisdomTarot #TarotReading #HealingJourney

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Today would have been my 36th wedding anniversary, and my first without John. I miss him in ways I can’t fully describe. I’m still getting used to functioning without him; learning to adapt and adjust. Every so often I still get teary, in fact it’s happening now, but overall I’m learning how to be without him. I’ve always wondered if I could live independently because when I married John I moved from living with my parents to living with him. I was never fully independent or forced to deal with things on my own. Now I am and, although I’m proud I’m doing well, I wish I didn’t have to learn that answer.

I decided to pull two Tarot cards reflecting what anniversary gifts John would like to give me this year. Using the vibrant & joyful Pearls of Wisdom Tarot, I drew the 4 of Cups reversed and 3 of Pentacles

As soon as I saw this I understood my husband’s message. Looking at the 4 of Cups, I immediately heard the lyrics from the song Jesus sings in the Garden of Gethsemane in Jesus Christ Superstar, “take this cup away from me tried for 3 years seems like 30”. The cup in this case is my brother-in-law Edward, who is deaf and developmentally disabled. I have been his primary caregiver since 2009. It was difficult enough when I had John here to help, but for the past year it’s been exhausting and overly stressful. John is telling me that soon the cup will be taken away from me, the responsibility removed from my hand, and that he’s watching over me and helping in any way that he can.

The 3 of Pentacles is John pointing out that once I have my freedom I can start exploring new learning opportunities and new experiences. I can go back to school or take classes to acquire new skills. My future will be under my own control. I can build the future that I want, and I have John’s love and support to do that.

The amazing thing about our relationship is that John fully supported me in whatever I wanted to do. He was my biggest cheerleader, even if he thought what I was doing was not a good idea. He let me make my mistakes and then gave me a bit of an I told you so but didn’t gloat. We often spoke about what might happen if he pre deceased me, not that we expected it to happen when it did. He was always clear with me and anyone else he discussed these issues with that he did not want me to be trapped caring for Edward for the rest of either of our lives. As much as I care for Edward, and want to see him in a safe nurturing environment, I can’t provide that for him. So this is John giving me his stamp of approval for taking steps to find some place Edward can be cared for in a way that will best serve him. It’s truly the best gift John could have given me.

New Moon in Scorpio Reading (#TarotReading #HauntedHouseTarot)

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Last night I attended a Tarot Meetup at the fabulous Crystals of Quartz store here in Greenwood Lake. These monthly meetups are led usually by Meghan and Jem but this month Syd, who owns the store, was the co-facilitator. It was a lively Meetup filled with a very diverse group of women ranging from two very mature and insightful young ladies of 9 and 13, to us more allegedly mature types in our 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and eternal.

We did a few different spreads and got some interesting messages. The one I’m sharing and focusing on here is a new moon spread exploring “What is the new moon teaching me?” Using Sasha Graham’s wonderful Haunted House Tarot, this was my answer: 3 of Cups Rx, Ace of Wands Rx & King of Wands Rx

New Moon in Scorpio Reading

The first thing I noticed is that everything is reversed which suggests to me that these are all areas which I haven’t fully manifested yet. The second thing is that two of the cards are wands suggesting my inner fire has been dampened, perhaps by the water the figure in the 3 of Cups is submerged beneath (my grief). I also think what I’m learning is how to shift this current circumstance so that I can activate the energies of these cards.

The 3 of Cups Rx reminds me that even if I can’t embrace it right now, I do have friends ready, willing and able to provide emotional support for me as I process my new status in life. The Ace of Wands reminds me that no matter how much I might wish to douse my own candle (in a vague, apathetic way) that’s not who I am. That’s really not who I want to be and that’s not who my John would want me to be. I think the King of Wands shows me what lies in wait once I can activate the candle shown in the Ace. The woman in his arms is Queen Debbie who was part of the ruling couple. Now she is morphing into a King in her own right; a Debbie who is master of her own fate and the final authority in her own life.

Quite honestly this felt very profound for me and it’s something I think is going to take me awhile to fully process. I’m both terrified and energized by the possibilities and potential that awaits as I move forward.