Tag Archives: Creativity

Just feeling “Meh”

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4 of Wands, Queen of Swords Rx & 7 of Wands – Victorian Romantic Tarot

Lately I’ve been feeling rather low energy and uninspired, “meh”. I don’t feel sick, I don’t feel depressed, I just feel lethargic. I rather feel the way Milo did in The Phantom Tollbooth when he meets the Lethargiums. So, of course, I decided to use Tarot to explore what’s going on with me.

Using the Victorian Romantic Tarot, I drew the 4 of Wands in response to “Why am I feeling so “meh”? The 4 of Wands resonates with me on two different levels. On one level, I’m watching people gear up for the festive Christmas season and watching it as though it’s a circus. I’m not connecting with it and, quite frankly, completely disinterested. I also think this reflects how John’s death continues to impact me. It’s difficult to feel like part of the festivities because I don’t have John with me anymore.

The Queen of Swords Rx shows that the resource I have available is my own intellect and willingness to explore my internal mental landscape. I also think she shows that I am willing to be open to new ideas if they will ultimately help me move forward and process things in a way that will help me heal. If I have learned nothing else since losing John, it’s that I’m capable and willing to dig through my subconscious and my past in order to heal and move forward.

The fierce figure on the 7 of Wands show me that the only way to change this situation is to fight. I have to use my energy and creative spark to fight back the doldrums. I also have to understand that it’s a constant battle not a One-Shot deal; and even if I do slip into the doldrums occasionally that doesn’t mean it needs to be a permanent state.

Because I’m Happy

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I was sitting in my house the other day just feeling content, satisfied, surrounded by my books. It actually took me a few minutes to realize, because I wasn’t looking for it, but ultimately it struck me that I was feeling happy; just quietly, joyfully happy. I wasn’t happy because of any major activity I had planned or because anything special had happened, I was just happy about where I was in my life. That made me wonder how many other moments of happiness I’ve missed because I didn’t know how to recognize it. M so I came up with this spread as a way to try to develop a plan.

  • How can I better recognize the happy moments in my life? Death Rx
  • How can I stop undermining my happy moments? 5 of Pentacles Rx
  • How can I more fully embrace & increase those happy moments? 8 of Cups
Death Rx, 5 of Pentacles Rx & 8 of Cups – Bohemian Gothic Tarot

Death Rx holds a two-fold meaning for me in this position. One is the fairly obvious fact that I need to recognize that my hubby’s death has not resulted in the death of joy in my life. It can be too easy to fall into the mindset of “how can I be happy without him here”. However, what I am realizing is that joy and happiness haven’t departed, but they may have changed shape a bit. Death Rx also reminds me that I have experienced a huge transition in my life. A transition that will force me to see things through a different lens and to have a different perspective going forward. Things that made me happy when I was part of a team may not bring me the same amount of joy now that I have no one to share it with. At the same time there may be things that I willingly compromised on because I knew that my husband did not enjoy them. Now that I’m on my own I can revisit and re-explore those interests and see if they still bring me joy. The way I can recognize the happy moments in my life now is by not comparing them to what they looked like to me before.

The 5 of Pentacles Rx reminds me that my happiness impacts no one but me. I don’t have to worry about how my choices impact anyone else. I don’t necessarily think this means I can be as selfish and self-centered as I want but it’s a reminder that I have no dependence I have no one in my life who will be directly impacted by these choices. That takes a lot of the pressure off it and frees me to just enjoy, instead of worrying.

The 8 of Cups shows that I need to be willing to leave behind what no longer brings me joy. One of the things I’m realizing as I am unpacking boxes at my house is that I have a lot of stuff that I can and should release. They are things that brought enjoyment to The me that I used to be. I’m not that person anymore, and I have to seriously consider whether these things will continue to bring me joy. Or should I let them go and hope that they find someone else who will enjoy them. I don’t think this is something I have to rush through but I’m looking forward to it. I’m realizing lately that owning so much stuff is starting to weigh me down and I need to lighten that load.

I realize ultimately being happy is a state of mind, obviously, and something that it is within my ability to control. My happiness is not the result of some purchase I have made or some book I have acquired, although they can certainly bring a little bit of joy. My happiness is the result of embracing quiet, little moments and just focusing on being fully present in my life.

Shine on You Crazy Diamond Spread with Alexandra Genetti’s Jumbledance Tarot

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Once again, the inspiration for this spread came from watching episodes of Professor of Rock focusing on Pink Floyd and the various challenges that face the group over its history. It reminded me how much I like this song and I decided to create a spread based on the lyrics.

6 of Wands Rx, 7 of Disks Rx & Man of Swords Rx from Jumbledance Tarot

The 6 of Wands Rx reminds me that I Shone like the sun when I was young because I believed in myself. I had confidence, one might even say arrogance, in my skills and abilities and often was quite successful as a result. At the center of this card is even a big diamond pendant to reinforce how I shone.

The crossfire that blew me on the steel breeze was the day-to-day responsibilities that stole my energy, that I allowed to steal my energy. The 7 of Disks Rx suggest that my ability to shine was buried under the detritus of obligation and everyday minutiae. The focus of taking care of family members, while something I feel I needed to do, has also stolen much of my Creative energy and my ability to shine.

I think the Man of Swords Rx shows that I need to stop comparing “my shine” against typical patriarchal measures of success. I love that in the little book that accompanies this Alexandra Genetti says “This is the card of mansplaining. Get over it”. I think one of the challenges I still experience in my life, is seeking validation and recognition from within myself rather than external sources. In many ways, my shine when I was younger was based on a very masculine definition of success and achievement. It was based on reviews, and grades, and what other people stated about my accomplishments. Good grades and excellent reviews bolstered my self confidence. Since 2009 I have not had access to these sources of positive reinforcement. I’ve needed to rely on my own internal measures of success and achievement, which is very difficult when one is engaged in stereotypical female pursuits of caregiving.

Into the Night Spread using Jumbledance Tarot by Alexandra Geenetti

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I absolutely love the song Into the Night by Benny Mardones. When it became a hit for the second time in 1989, I knew I had heard it, but this was well before the internet so it was a lot harder to figure out why it seemed so familiar to me and why it resonated for me. I just assumed it was a remake. I eventually learned Mardones’ song had actually charted back in 1980 as well. I’ve always found the song haunting, although I recommend avoiding the 1980 video because it just comes off as creepy. It even has a very interesting backstory as shown on the Professor of Rock episode where he interviews Benny Mardones. So, considering how impactful this song has been to me, I decided to create a reading using some of the themes in the song.

Questions based on Into the Night by Benny Mardones
Girl of Wands Rx, World Rx & Girl of Swords Rx

Perhaps oddly, considering all three cards are reversed, in this reading I found it incredibly hopeful and inspiring for me. I find it hopeful because it’s showing me there is still an abundance of potential surrounding me; all I have to do is embrace it, and accept it, and ignite it.

If I could fly, if I could achieve the impossible, I would reconnect with that fiery, passionate, energetic young girl that I was. I know she’s still there because she wears her head on occasion but over the years she has been very blunted by necessity and life circumstances. When I look at the figure of the young girl in this card, dressed in a communion gown with lit candles in front of her and butterflies flittering overhead, I’m inspired. She hasn’t been lost, merely sleeping. Now it’s time to awaken her, and allow her to spread those wings and find new, creative, spiritual ways to explore the world around her.

The World tells me that there are still many things out there for me to explore, both in the physical world and in my own internal world. The butterfly on the card connects it to the transformative energy and hopefulness of the Girl of Wands. I think The World Rx’s message is reminding me that nothing is over, I’m not at the end. Whether I choose to embrace this and run with it, find new experiences and new worlds to explore, is entirely up to me.

The Girl of Swords Rx is an interesting companion to the Girl of Wands. She reminds me that my dream was to be something of a warrior princess. This card has a rainbow and a dragonfly on it, reminding me of the magic in the everyday. The young girl on the card looks off to the side, suggesting she sees a road ahead of her that she plans to conquer. She will use her sword to cut through the obfuscation and self-doubt that’s so often paralyze. She’s hopeful, and fresh, and untainted. She offers me the promise of once again feeling that way myself.

This reading tells me that I can achieve my dreams and hopes, as long as I’m willing to reach for it. I need to have that childlike faith in myself; that confidence that allows children to move forward, sure of their own success. It’s been a long time since I felt that, but lately I have been feeling a sense of hopefulness and curiosity that makes me believe I can embrace them once again.

Blue Moon

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In honor of the second Full Moon this month, this one in Pisces, I decided to try this spread I found online.

Queen of Wands Rx, Strength Rx, Ace of Wands Rx – Animal Totem Tarot

It’s interesting that all three cards I pulled are reversed. To me, this serves as a reminder that even if I can’t take active steps right now that doesn’t mean that there isn’t work to be done. By tending the seeds now, I will have created a solid foundation upon which to build when I’m ready and able to move forward.

The Queen of Wands Rx reminds me that if I don’t nurture my inner spark, tend my creativity and Spirituality, I won’t be able to manifest it more fully when the situation has changed. She’s also a reminder that down time is essential and not lazy. We need to recharge the batteries. We need to allow internal resources to build back up or we run the risk of running out of gas. I think of how active and fierce lionesses are when on the hunt or protecting their young. This expenditure of energy is offset by times of resting in the sun to allow themselves to recharge the batteries. Right now, I’m recharging the batteries.

Strength Rx reminds me that no matter how strong I think I am physically or emotionally, we all hit a breaking point. I have to keep reminding myself that I do not need to go through all of this alone I don’t need to pull that cart without support and assistance. What I will gain if I allow myself the opportunity to actively rest and recharge my batteries, rather than just falling into a state of ennui, is a mental shift that will allow me to embrace the opportunities to accept and seek assistance and support from those who might be willing to offer it. This will not only allow me to occasionally put down this burden it will also help me make a more realistic assessment of my resources and how to allocate them.

The Ace of Wands Rx shows that if I don’t embrace this opportunity to actively rest and recharge my batteries I will find my creative spark dimmed; trapped and unable to be freed and expressed. Even though this Firefly offers a light in the darkness it can’t go where it wants to go because it is being harnessed for someone else’s purposes. I’m tired of being harnessed for other people’s purposes. The way to actively change this is to accept that I’m entitled to relax sometimes; I’m entitled to downtime. I’m entitled to ask for help when I need it and not shoulder the burden all by myself. I may joke that I’m “strong like bull, worth many ponies”, but the truth is I’m not a bull; and even a bull’s strength can only last for so long unless it’s given time to recuperate.

Week 52 – Last Look (#TarotReading #GreenwoodTarot #52WeekProject)

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So, this is my final week of my 52 week project. I’m actually rather impressed that I stuck with it. I might have posted a few of my entries late but I did do them weekly. It’s also been a very interesting experience reviewing the various messages I’ve received from the cards. So I decided to take this opportunity to think about what might take away should be from this project.

Page of Stones, Knight of Wands Rx, Greenman, Wheel of Fortune Rx, & 4 of Stones – The Greenwood Tarot

The Page of Stones suggests that what needs to stay with me is being open to learning new things; to staying a student at heart, especially when it comes to learning new things about myself. Looking at this image, it also speaks to me of coming out of my shell and learning who I am and how to be in this new phase of my life. It also reminds me to keep nurturing the connection to the natural world around me that I have been slowly establishing because this nourishes my spirit too.

The Knight of Wands Rx tells me that this experience has changed me by reconnecting me in a deeper way with my creative side. Since using this deck, I’ve established a very interesting connection with Fox energy. So it’s especially appropriate that the fox represents the Knight of Wands in this deck. I know Fox can often be seen as sneaky and a trickster, but for me it has come to symbolize creativity, playfulness, quick-wittedness, and an ability to only be seen when I want to be seen. Prior to what I have learned about myself during this 52 week project, I was not tending my creative and spiritual side. I wasn’t allowing myself to explore new creative outlets and embracing my spirituality in a way that felt organic and holistic to me, rather than trying to follow someone else’s example.

The Green Man shows that one of the things I need to work on releasing is a sense of dominance and control over every aspect of my life. There are just too many things out of my direct control, and I’m learning to accept and embrace it. I think the energy on this card also reinforces the idea of becoming an organic component of my environment, rather than imposing my will on it. The idea that humans exert any permanent control over our environment is a fallacy, as Mother Nature regularly proves.

The Wheel of Fortune Rx reminds me that I still need to stop struggling against change. Although I have gotten better, I still have moments of raging against this newfangled world and rhapsodizing about the good old days. The truth is even in the good old days I complained about something. Just as in the present time, there are things that I both liked and disliked about the past. There will be things I like and dislike about the future. But the fact of the matter is that, whether I like them or not, changes are going to occur. I can’t stop them. All I can do is manage how I adapt to them.

And, finally, the 4 of Stones reminds me that once I have a safe base from which to venture forward I will feel more comfortable taking on new challenges and exploring new realms of interest. I think this is referring to the fact that my foundation is a little shaky because things are still so up in the air regarding the situation with my brother-in-law. It can be very difficult to build something when the foundation underneath your feet keeps shifting. When I am able to feel that there is some security and stability in my life I think that will enable me to be willing to take more chances and risks.

This 52-week project was very interesting. I got a lot of readings that gave me some insight into aspects of myself that I have avoided embracing. I hope anyone who was following along found it helpful. Now on to the next phase.

Week 50 – Hereditary (#TarotReading #GreenwoodTarot #52WeekProject)

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Similar to last week’s endeavor, this week my friend and I developed a reading based on the movie Hereditary. We both found ourselves fascinated with the themes of how what a family worships can impact successive generations and what we inherit as a result. So we combined our little gray cells and came up with the following reading.

10 of Cups Rx, King of Stones Rx, 10 of Wands – The Greenwood Tarot

My immediate reaction upon seeing these cards was feeling a bit unsettled at how accurate it was in many respects. Both sides of my family tended to pursue an illusory goal of happiness that ultimately resulted in a lot more unhappiness. The 10 of Cups Rx certainly seems to support and reinforce this concept. Instead of the happiness pouring down upon us, whatever Joy might be in our lives seems to get rerouted or sucked out of us. Quite frankly, there is also a tendency to focus on what goes wrong rather than whatever positives remain in our lives. Ss well as a proclivity for relying on alcoholic substances to self medicate.

The King of Stones Rx, especially as symbolized by a horse (a hard-working, solid workhorse) holds a lot of significance. To me, the horse on this card is not a thoroughbred. It’s a sturdy, reliable workhorse. This also fits with the description I would give of the women in my family. I have often joked that we don’t domesticate well. We’re pretty hopeless at interior decorating, entertaining and housekeeping. However, we’re really good at putting up with useless husbands, ungrateful children, and hard work. We might never be the ones you ask for a recipe or tips about table settings. We are a group of women who have learned how to make do with what’s available and figure out how to keep moving forward. At the same time, I acknowledge this inheritance without claiming it. I am reliable, stable and responsible without allowing myself to be abused or mistreated. I may be a workhorse but I’m a damned Clydesdale!

And, of course, it makes perfect sense with what I wrote in the previous paragraphs that my legacy is one of bearing the burden; of taking on the responsibility. That is exactly what my family taught me. At the same time, I know that a time to lay down these burdens is in the future. In the meantime, I’m willing and capable of doing the work necessary to maintain and tend my own fire, my creative spark and my spiritual energy.

My family has left me a complex and rich legacy, but one whose usable fibers need to be teased out from the waste. To create a beautiful tapestry from my legacy, I need to be willing to do this work.

Week 49 – The Babadook (#TarotReading #GreenwoodTarot #52WeekProject)

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This reading was inspired by a conversation a friend and I had about the movie The Babadook. We were talking about whether the creature was real or a manifestation of the mother’s unresolved emotional and psychological issues. We talked about whether the ending was showing a resolution to these issues. Which made us wonder how we keep our unresolved issues hidden in the basements of ourselves. So we created this reading.

  • What is hidden in my basement? 8 of Wands
  • How am I feeding it? Death
  • How can I make peace with it? Knight of Wands
8 of Wands, Death & Knight of Wands – Greenwood Tarot

The 8 of Wands shows that what is hidden in my basement is my fear and wariness towards my creative and spiritual energy. I think it represents my concern about showing all my fire; showing my creativity, my achievements. It reflects my reluctance to reveal all my potential; what I’m capable of accomplishing. It symbolizes my reluctance to embrace and accept how powerful I am. I think, like a lot of people, I’m cautious about being all that I can be because in the past that has led to resentment and anger from people I considered friends. I have no doubt that I am not alone in this experience. I think for many of us, embracing and accepting and celebrating how powerful we truly are can be terrifying. We’re all like fireworks that have the potential to explode in the night sky, illuminating the darkness but we resist because we’re afraid that our radiance will alienate us from others.

Death suggests I’m feeding this hidden creative energy by the life I’m living right now, post my husband’s death. I’m using the transformative energy inherent in Death to transition to a different phase in my life; a phase that would have gone unexplored except for the dramatic change caused by losing my husband. As other roads closed due to his loss new ones opened up and now is my opportunity to see where they take me. This transformation is allowing me to experiment with watercolor and gouache painting; working with pastels and other art media, even urban sketching. I’m considering taking classes once I have the free time, which is not something I would have considered before. So although I may not be ready to share the results of this creative exploration at least I am exploring.

The Knight of Wands shows that I can make peace with my fear of creativity and energy by being curious and quick-witted; being willing to take chances as I’m exploring this previously uncharted territory. It reminds me to take joy in the process and not allow a desire for perfection to spoil the fun of making mistakes. Foxes are also excellent it’s staying hidden in plain sight. I know there have been a few times when I have spotted a fox outside my home only to see it vanish when it realizes it’s been seen. This is telling me that I don’t have to show my creative energy to anybody until I’m ready to do so. It’s okay to stay hidden until I feel the time is right.

Overall, I think this reading reinforces the idea that the biggest monster we often face in our lives is our own fears and self-doubts. We often allow them to become so large and looming that we feel we cannot escape their presence. What this reading shows me is that I can face those fears and I can find a way to make peace with them.

Week 38 – Bealtaine Spread (#TarotReading #HerbalTarot #52WeekProject)

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  1. What am I being asked to learn more about? King of Cups
  2. What is ready for release in this next seasonal cycle (from now until the next fire festival, Lughnasadh, in August)? 3 of Pentacles
  3. With this release, what am I making space for? Page of Cups Rx
  4. A card to ground me as I work with nature, rather than against. 4 of Wands Rx
King of Cups, 3 of Pentacles, Page of Cups Rx, & 4 of Wands Rx – The Herbal Tarot

The King of Cups reveals that what I’m being asked to learn more about is myself; my emotional needs; my relationships with others. I think it’s telling me that one of the areas I need to focus on more is my emotional connections with other people. For many many years I didn’t need anyone other than my husband. Now he’s gone, and I need to learn how to reconnect and form relationships and emotional bonds with others in a way that allows me to feel safe and able to express myself.

I think the 3 of Pentacles shows that I’m ready to release all the seeds that I have planted so far. All the hard work I’ve put into my current situation has laid the groundwork and results should begin to be seen. The creative endeavors I’ve been exploring now need to be nurtured and tended so they can grow and spring forth shoots.

The Page of Cups Rx reminds me that I’m making space for the simple internal Joy that can spring from discovering things that satisfy on an emotional level. Reconnecting with the childlike, simple happiness of coloring or drawing. Dancing just because it makes joy bubble up inside me. Connecting with friends because it makes me smile. I need to stop worrying so much about whether it’s good enough or if other people will like it and just do it for fun.

The 4 of Wands Rx with its fairy figures tending the plants reminds me of the connection I’ve developed to local wildlife since I began making daily offerings. It has helped me become more aware of the variety of small creatures that surround me every day and how in harmony they are with each other. Even when it seems harsh, there is a delicate balance to their interactions with each other and their environment. This card helps to remind me that I must be cautious not to make these wild critters dependent on me because that would throw the dance off kilter. At the same time, paying attention and watching them has made me more aware of the diversity existing even on this small little piece of land as well as reinforcing that I am also part of this web.

For me this reading reinforced previous messages that my focus needs to be on nurturing joy in my life as well as establishing new and tending existing emotional connections and relationships. It’s also giving me a sense that perhaps during this cycle some of the hard work I’ve been putting into the situation with my brother-in-law will finally show some results. And it reminds me that what is helping me to stay grounded is the connection I’ve been building with local wildlife through giving them offerings of food. Just that one little step shows me how important it is to maintain the dance; to remember I’m part of, not above, this web of life.

Week 37 – Conduits of Power Spread by Carolyn Cushing (#TarotReading #HerbalTarot #52WeekProject)

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Carolyn Cushing shared this spread in her blog post exploring the energies of this New Moon.  I recommend reading her post and considering how you handle and utilize power in your life too.  In America right now we’re seeing some of the results of unchecked power and abuses of power.   It made me consider how I contribute to, and resist, this paradigm.

  • POWER: What power desires to flow through me?  8 of Pentacles Rx
  • RECEIVING: How can I open to receive this power?  Page of Cups
  • RELEASING: How can I let it go?  10 of Pentacles
8 of Pentacles, Page of Cups & 10 of Pentacles – Herbal Tarot

The power desiring to flow through me is the power of putting my skills and knowledge to work; being able to embrace my inner craftsperson.  It’s the power of being able to share my experience with others.  Right now I’m still acquiring the skills, knowledge, and experience but I have the sense that soon I will have the opportunity to put my skill set to more practical use. Ginger is associated with this card which adds an element of igniting energy, and being more motivated to use my talents and constructive ways. Who knows? Perhaps this suggests that the power desiring to flow through me is that of becoming a teacher in some capacity.

The Page of Cups shows that the way I can be open to receive this power is by literally being more open emotionally; dipping my feet in the water of new experiences and letting go of my need to protect myself.  I need to trust in my inner nature and listen to my heart. Damiana can symbolize releasing self-consciousness and feeling more enthusiastic and self-confident. I need to believe in myself and embrace opportunities for growth, even if my initial efforts result in mistakes and stumbling around in ignorance. It’s the only way to truly learn.

The 10 of Pentacles tells me the way to let it go is to first fully embrace it. Then be willing to share it with others. I get the sense it’s telling me that I need to take stock of what skills I have and what knowledge I might be willing to share with others. The addition of Wild Yam to the energies of this card reinforce the message of accumulated energy and power; whose release will encourage the use of talents, gifts, and possessions for the greatest good (according to the companion book).

The message that I’m getting from this reading is that the power flowing through me that wants to be expressed is one of sharing, and teaching, and encouraging others, and myself at the same time. It’s about letting go of the skills and knowledge I hoard as I self-deprecatingly claim I have nothing. I think the first part is that I need to look at what I have that I can and would be willing to share. Then I need to consider how I might go about doing that. It may take some time simply because of the realities of what’s going on in my life, but it does open an intriguing pathway for me.