Tag Archives: Self-doubts

Week 43 – Did everyone ditch me in advance? (#TarotReading #MarseilleWaiteTarot #52WeekProject)

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Have you ever had the feeling that your friends are mad at you or ditched you in advance?  Just a sense that there’s something wrong but you don’t know what it is?  It spirals out of control and you’re convinced you’ve done something to offend people, but since you don’t know what it is you can’t fix it.  Then when you finally get in touch with your friends you realize there’s nothing wrong they just got caught up in their own life?  I have an unfortunate history of that type of mental gymnastics.  The first time I realized I do this was at a Tarot conference back in 2002.  Well before the omnipresence of cell phones, I had returned to my room but expected to meet my friends once I returned.  When I got back downstairs I couldn’t find anybody that I knew.  I wanted around for a bit and didn’t stumble across any familiar faces.  I eventually returned to my room and watched TV, convinced everyone else was at some party to which I had not been invited.  When I ran into my friends the next day they all asked where I had been.  I explained what happened and several of them asked why I didn’t just call their rooms.  That’s when we realized none of us knew which rooms the other was staying in.  So I created much to do about nothing.

Even after all these years I still replicate this pattern. If I send a friend an email or text message and don’t hear from them within two or three days, I immediately assume I’ve done something and they’re angry with me.  When I hear from them again, it turns out that they were busy or they didn’t get the message or some other non-dramatic reason was the cause.  Since this is a pattern that continues to repeat in my life, I decided maybe it was time to take a look and get some insight from the Universe using Tarot.

  • What is the root of this feeling?  Reine des Epees Rx
  • What triggers it now?  6 des Epees
  • What will help cure this issue?  Cavalier des Coupes
Marseille-Waite Tarot

The root of this feeling is my own self doubts and inner critic.  I don’t feel worthy of having friends.  I often joke that I’m an acquired taste because I can be abrasive and opinionated.  I often think that these traits will alienate people; that they will grow tired of them and avoid me.  The reality is it has happened in the past so I’m not pulling these beliefs out of thin air.  The Reine des Epees Rx reminds me that my responses to these situations is not that of the mature, thoughtful person I have become.  Instead, I’m responding as if I’m still the insecure, hurt child I once was.  A more logical, rational response to these incidences would better serve me.

I think one of the key triggers right now is the sense of isolation I’m still experiencing in my life.  Basically, I’m in this boat with just me and my brother-in-law.  We may be guided on the journey by the ferryman however he is simply taking us from Point A to Point B.  Our survival once we get there will fall on my shoulders.  At the same time, I understand that once we do reach the end of this journey I will continue on alone.   That will force me to reassess and reevaluate what kind of relationships I want in my life, and if I want to change the ones I do have.  I also think that it’s the nature of the beast right now.  I don’t have the freedom I desire and it’s frustrating.

Having the freedom to move forward and begin to explore new interests and new relationships, to discover new paths and interests, should help improve this situation.  I think one of the reasons it still occurs is because I have the time to dwell on it.  When there is nothing external to distract me I tend to obsess over internal stuff.  This is a pattern I need to consciously make an effort to change.

From a visual perspective what struck me about these three cards is the flow between them.  La Reine des Epees faces the opposite direction from the other two because she is reversed.  She is blocked and unable to express her full potential.  However unleashing the gifts of her intellect and dispelling all those self-doubts will allow her to move forward; to travel to a place where she can more express her snarky, witty self with love and compassion and embrace her inner Cup side.  Once she no longer needs to be the one in charge of the situation, she will have the flexibility and freedom to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new quests.  She will no longer have the time to obsess over much ado about nothing because she will be finding the emotional fulfillment she desires.

Week 37 – Conduits of Power Spread by Carolyn Cushing (#TarotReading #HerbalTarot #52WeekProject)

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Carolyn Cushing shared this spread in her blog post exploring the energies of this New Moon.  I recommend reading her post and considering how you handle and utilize power in your life too.  In America right now we’re seeing some of the results of unchecked power and abuses of power.   It made me consider how I contribute to, and resist, this paradigm.

  • POWER: What power desires to flow through me?  8 of Pentacles Rx
  • RECEIVING: How can I open to receive this power?  Page of Cups
  • RELEASING: How can I let it go?  10 of Pentacles
8 of Pentacles, Page of Cups & 10 of Pentacles – Herbal Tarot

The power desiring to flow through me is the power of putting my skills and knowledge to work; being able to embrace my inner craftsperson.  It’s the power of being able to share my experience with others.  Right now I’m still acquiring the skills, knowledge, and experience but I have the sense that soon I will have the opportunity to put my skill set to more practical use. Ginger is associated with this card which adds an element of igniting energy, and being more motivated to use my talents and constructive ways. Who knows? Perhaps this suggests that the power desiring to flow through me is that of becoming a teacher in some capacity.

The Page of Cups shows that the way I can be open to receive this power is by literally being more open emotionally; dipping my feet in the water of new experiences and letting go of my need to protect myself.  I need to trust in my inner nature and listen to my heart. Damiana can symbolize releasing self-consciousness and feeling more enthusiastic and self-confident. I need to believe in myself and embrace opportunities for growth, even if my initial efforts result in mistakes and stumbling around in ignorance. It’s the only way to truly learn.

The 10 of Pentacles tells me the way to let it go is to first fully embrace it. Then be willing to share it with others. I get the sense it’s telling me that I need to take stock of what skills I have and what knowledge I might be willing to share with others. The addition of Wild Yam to the energies of this card reinforce the message of accumulated energy and power; whose release will encourage the use of talents, gifts, and possessions for the greatest good (according to the companion book).

The message that I’m getting from this reading is that the power flowing through me that wants to be expressed is one of sharing, and teaching, and encouraging others, and myself at the same time. It’s about letting go of the skills and knowledge I hoard as I self-deprecatingly claim I have nothing. I think the first part is that I need to look at what I have that I can and would be willing to share. Then I need to consider how I might go about doing that. It may take some time simply because of the realities of what’s going on in my life, but it does open an intriguing pathway for me.

Week 3 Tarot Reading – Enthrall Me (#TarotReading #SecretForestTarot #52WeekProject)

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So this week I decided to do a little more exploration into The Moon card from my previous reading. In my interpretation I talked about finding something that would enroll in mesmerize me. During a conversation with a friend this week, she asked me what that might be. I realized I don’t necessarily have a clear idea at this point. So, I did what I always do I turned to Tarot to clarify things for me. And these were the cards I drew

2 of Cups Rx, 8 of Swords Rx & Queen of Swords from the Tarot of the Secret Forest

I think the 2 of Cups reflects the loss of my husband, the loss of being in a loving, supportive, committed relationship. For so long, my life was focused on being part of a duo now it’s time to move beyond that to become a partner to myself. It reminds me of the book Imagine a Woman in Love with Herself. I think that’s what I need to become enthralled and mesmerized with – falling in love with myself. I need to learn how to be loving and supportive to myself and that’s where I need to focus my energies right now.

The 8 of Swords reversed ties into this by showing that in order to manifest this self-love I need to break free of the brambles in my path. They won’t hold me back unless I allow it. The best way for me to overcome them is to see the situation more clearly and improve my mindset. However it’s hard to see that right now because I feel as though I’m surrounded by brambles and can’t possibly find my way through. It’s rather like the original legend of Sleeping Beauty – the castle in which she slept was surrounded by an impenetrable fence of thorny brambles which presented all but those brave enough to even attempt to break through. Of course, in this situation the brambles aren’t physical they’re psychological and I’m not in need of someone else saving me. I can save myself as long as I believe in myself.

And last, but not least, we come to the Queen of Swords who shows me what will help me continue to nurture this energy. Once again, I am struck by the fact that this is a swords card, which means it’s about my mindset and my beliefs. I have the tools and the skills to cut through all this bullshit holding me back, but I have to actually use them. I can handle being alone but I also need to accept that there will be a learning curve, and cut myself some slack. I have to be realistic about what I can do alone and what I need help to achieve, and be willing to ask for that help when necessary. For me, the Queen of Swords here is about being smart and realistic and not thinking that I can tough it out.

I find it interesting that this reading starts out focusing on my emotions but then focuses on my state of mind. At the end of the day, if my mindset is negative I’m not going to be happy. It’s okay to have bad days but I need to be careful not to lose myself in the bad days. I do have faith in myself and I have the confidence that I can forge a new path going forward. It won’t be easy but I’m up to the challenge. In fact, I’m looking forward to the challenge.

Learning to become A Woman in Love with Herself (#Tarot #HauntedHouseTarot)

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I recently started reading Imagine a Woman in Love with Herself by Patricia Lynn Reilly (or maybe re-reading it, I’m not sure) and I decided I wanted to focus on some of the ideas I came across in the first chapter (or maybe it’s the first stanza) of the book and do a Tarot reading for myself  So, using my creepily lovely Haunted House Tarot by the amazing Sasha Graham, I asked:
  1. How can I best love myself?  Death
  2. How can I release the impact sins of others have left upon my psyche?  6 of Wands Rx
  3. How can I walk through my past to heal my present?  3 of Cups Rx

Of course, being the snarky soul I am, my first response to Death was “Right, of course I’d have to die in order to learn to love myself.”   Sassy snark aside, I think what Death is truly trying to let me know is that in order to love myself I have to defeat those self-denigrating habits that prevent it.  I need to slay those inner demons who whisper poison in my soul (“you’re not good enough”, “no one really likes you”, “so & so does that much better than you do”), you know the drill.  I’m sure we all have moments when we’re pits of self-loathing with self-esteem and self-worth in the sub, sub-basement.  With the ways things are going lately it’s easy to allows these feelings to become overwhelming, because, as I mentioned in a previous post, being concerned about this kind of inner growth when the world around us seems to be going to shit feels self-indulgent and frivolous.  Well fuck that!  I have made a new resolution that the only way to make things better on a national or global scale is to make things better on a personal scale – as below, so above.  What needs to die are all those self-defeating behaviors and crippling self-doubts.  If I want to transform the world, first I need to transform myself!

The 6 of Wands is interesting because the image shows a woman on horseback freeing herself from the grasps of a crowd of hooded figures.  The LWB mentions that the woman is “breaking free of the brood”.  I think it’s showing me that the potential for feeling victorious & accomplished; the way to appreciate and embrace my achievements is to free myself from those self doubts and inner demons; these psychic scars left upon my soul by others.  The way to victory is to slay those damn fuckers, defeat those who thought they’d permanently damaged me, and let myself emerge transformed and starting to heal.

In the LWB the listing for the 3 of Cups mentions intoxication and drowning in pleasure.  Reversed, I feel as though I’m drowning my sorrows in distractions.  Instead of celebrating I’m self-medicating.  Granted, I’m not pouring booze down my throat but I do indulge in bouts of retail therapy or gorging on unhealthy food choices.  Once again I think the message of the reversal is that the only thing preventing my from celebrating my joy and happiness, exploring my dreams with friends and loved ones is that I need to free myself from those negative beliefs and inner demons (fucking inner demons are such a pain in my ass!).  The way forward is through and I need to charge through them and keep going even as they try to pull me back (I keep envisioning this struggle as Milo trying to free himself from The Doldrums in The Phantom Tollbooth)

I’m feeling rather inspired lately (which is a nice change) and I’m determined to keep moving forward even if my momentum is more like one step forward, two steps back.  At least it’s some progress.  It’s too easy to fall into despair and hopelessness but then they win – the demons both inner and outer, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let that happen.  I’m a fighter and all I need to do now is focus on the win so I can win!

#MessageoftheDay – 9 of Pentacles, 10 of Pentacles Rx + The Devil (Haunted Mansion Tarot)

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“You’re surrounded by abundance, by things, by wealth. However, this is not created the happy, contented family & life that you imagined. Have you made a deal with the devil and sold your soul for this prosperity?”

#ChattingwithTarot – Empress Rx, 2 of Swords Rx + 4 of Cups Rx (#WizardsTarot)

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Over my afternoon cuppa @HarneyTea’s wondrous Viennese Earl Grey blend, I had my chat with the Divine (today it felt rather like Grandma Burke, my paternal grandmother, decided to pay a call). Her message to me:

What I heard, “Enough already! I get it, you’re feeling frustrated and stifled because life right now requires you to focus on being nurturing and somewhat maternal – not your favorite thing. You think your creative juices are drying up from lack of use. I call bullshit! You aren’t looking at things clearly. Open up you damn eyes and see what’s really going on. See how you can change things so your creative energies find expression. Stop waiting for things to change and make it happen! Stop letting self-pity hold you down. You already know the answer so trust your instincts.”

#ChattingwithTarot – 6 of Swords Rx, 7 of Wands + 9 of Swords Rx (#WizardsTarot)

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So, regular card of the day readings aren’t working for me. So I decided to take a slightly different approach and have a daily chat with my Tarot deck.

I got the idea during Rana George’s session on Lenormand at this year’s Divination Day prior to Readers’ Studio. She said she would never do a one card Lenormand reading because a Lenormand reading is like a sentence requiring a subject, verb and object or like a conversation. It needs more than just one card. So I took that concept and applied it to my daily readings for myself. It helps put me in a different frame of mind.

So I sat down with a cuppa tea, pulled three cards and this is the message I received:

Her message:. “Stop resisting change, moving on to the next phase. You’re fighting too hard to maintain the status quo; defending yourself from imaginary threats. The only demons are in your head and if you look at things clearly you’ll realize they don’t exist. Right now the only thing you need to defend yourself from are your own doubts.”

I am Nobody

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I am Nobody. Who are you?
Are you nobody, too?
Then there’s a pair of us — don’t tell!
They’d banish us, you know.

How dreary to be somebody!
How public, like a frog
To tell your name the livelong day
To an admiring bog!

Since first reading it, I have been drawn to Emily Dickinson’s poem “I am Nobody”. It speaks to me because I have often felt like a nobody. So I decided to pull a few Tarot cards to gain some insight. I decided to use the Allison M. Garcia Illustrated Blind Person Tarot that I discovered on Etsy.

Why do I feel like nobody? Queen of Cups Rx
How does being a nobody serve me? 10 of Wands
How does it hinder me? Knight of Wands
What would happen if I became somebody? 3 of Cups Rx

I love when Tarot does this, calls me on my bullshit. I feel like nobody because I don’t love myself or trust my insights and intuition. I’m afraid to connect to my deep, emotional nature because it leaves me feeling vulnerable and at risk.

Being nobody serves me by giving me something to grumble about; a burden to carry. It allows me to feel unfairly treated while allowing me to appear sacrificing and long-suffering.

It hinders me because as long as I cling to this delusion it will prevent me from finding my creative spark, my life calling. I’m meant to be active and charging forward. If I can’t channel it in creative, healthy, productive ways then it will find less beneficial ways to express itself.

If I became somebody then I will truly find people with whom to celebrate this joy, in a quiet, non-public way of course. I might alienate some but the odds are the are folks with whom I wouldn’t be simpatico anyway. Being somebody would allow me the freedom to celebrate my weirdness and quirkiness with fellow oddballs – like the Addams Family!

Curious that I drew two reversed Cups and two upright Wands for this reading. Considering how long it has taken me to appreciate Cups energy, I can’t say I’m thrilled to see them but clearly that attitude is part of the issue. Obviously my heart & spirit, my soul and spark are intertwined and if I can’t find the way to embrace both equally I’ll always feel like nobody.

#TarotDaily

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Which of your inner passions do you need to express?

I need to figure this one out. I could say that the passion I need to express is the one that leaves me off-balance and maybe a little obsessed; the one that leaves no room for anything else. Of course what that might be, I’m not sure.

Perhaps it’s time to explore a relatively new passion in more depth. Or maybe I need to revisit an inner passion that’s been dormant since childhood. The first thing that comes to mind is writing. When I was a child I loved writing – poems, journal entries, short stories. I lost faith in myself but maybe this is a sign to reconnect with my inner author; re-explore my writing skills. Am I strong enough to put myself out there and risk negative feedback? Time will tell.

#TarotDaily – 8 of Swords + 5 of Swords (#TrickorTreat)

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2018-10-31-22-09-39350527853.jpg

What threshold are you about to step over? How have you prepared for what is to come next?

 

The 8 of Swords reminds me that I’m finally ready to escape the cage I created with my own self-doubts and low self-esteem. I’m getting my head on straight and ready to move forward.

The 5 of Swords suggests this won’t be an easy task. My inner demons won’t give up peaceably and quietly go away. They’ll try to trip me up, undermine my confidence and slam me back into that cage. I have to alway keep fighting, never give up and never surrender (yes, I’m quoting themes from Supernatural and Galaxy Quest).

I can do it as long as I keep believing in myself.