How can I release the impact sins of others have left upon my psyche? 6 of Wands Rx
How can I walk through my past to heal my present? 3 of Cups Rx
Of course, being the snarky soul I am, my first response to Death was “Right, of course I’d have to die in order to learn to love myself.” Sassy snark aside, I think what Death is truly trying to let me know is that in order to love myself I have to defeat those self-denigrating habits that prevent it. I need to slay those inner demons who whisper poison in my soul (“you’re not good enough”, “no one really likes you”, “so & so does that much better than you do”), you know the drill. I’m sure we all have moments when we’re pits of self-loathing with self-esteem and self-worth in the sub, sub-basement. With the ways things are going lately it’s easy to allows these feelings to become overwhelming, because, as I mentioned in a previous post, being concerned about this kind of inner growth when the world around us seems to be going to shit feels self-indulgent and frivolous. Well fuck that! I have made a new resolution that the only way to make things better on a national or global scale is to make things better on a personal scale – as below, so above. What needs to die are all those self-defeating behaviors and crippling self-doubts. If I want to transform the world, first I need to transform myself!
The 6 of Wands is interesting because the image shows a woman on horseback freeing herself from the grasps of a crowd of hooded figures. The LWB mentions that the woman is “breaking free of the brood”. I think it’s showing me that the potential for feeling victorious & accomplished; the way to appreciate and embrace my achievements is to free myself from those self doubts and inner demons; these psychic scars left upon my soul by others. The way to victory is to slay those damn fuckers, defeat those who thought they’d permanently damaged me, and let myself emerge transformed and starting to heal.
In the LWB the listing for the 3 of Cups mentions intoxication and drowning in pleasure. Reversed, I feel as though I’m drowning my sorrows in distractions. Instead of celebrating I’m self-medicating. Granted, I’m not pouring booze down my throat but I do indulge in bouts of retail therapy or gorging on unhealthy food choices. Once again I think the message of the reversal is that the only thing preventing my from celebrating my joy and happiness, exploring my dreams with friends and loved ones is that I need to free myself from those negative beliefs and inner demons (fucking inner demons are such a pain in my ass!). The way forward is through and I need to charge through them and keep going even as they try to pull me back (I keep envisioning this struggle as Milo trying to free himself from The Doldrums in The Phantom Tollbooth)
I’m feeling rather inspired lately (which is a nice change) and I’m determined to keep moving forward even if my momentum is more like one step forward, two steps back. At least it’s some progress. It’s too easy to fall into despair and hopelessness but then they win – the demons both inner and outer, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna let that happen. I’m a fighter and all I need to do now is focus on the win so I can win!
Okay, clearly my ancestors are trying to shake me from some bad habits which they also possessed.
Their message “Life is filled with give and take; with giving aid and receiving it. Being willing to accept help is not a sign of weakness. It shows you’re mature and self-aware enough to realize you can’t do it alone. It’s a sign that you are healing and able to be vulnerable enough to risk rejection. It also shows that you retain hope of gaining more autonomy and freedom. The truth is people are often willing to help if you’re able to ask. So stop being so stubborn!”
Today my ancestors have chosen to remind me that balance is the key to my having it all. It’s the missing piece to the puzzle; the truth I hide from myself.
Of course I know this. It’s another of those truths of which I am well aware and yet continue to ignore. I willfully blind myself to it. Deliberate obtuseness is a long-standing trait of mine. My mother refers to it as being thick and, to be honest, it’s one I inherited from my ancestors. So perhaps this is also a “learn from our mistakes” kind of message.
Now that I’ve been reminded of this truth, what shall I do with it? Time will tell.
My ancestors’ message today, “The best way to break free of that ill-fitting outfit you’re wearing is to look at it from a different perspective. Allow yourself to rise up above what you see as the barreness and emptiness of your life and look up, look forward. Let yourself be open to and aware of other possibilities. Trust your dreams and your inner wisdom and they will guide you to where you are meant to be.”
The 10 of Pentacles has appeared several times for me this week. I know it is often interpreted to indicate a happy family life; having it all. However, in my reality it’s about being forced into a situation I never desired; fitting into a role that was never meant to be mine. As a result it feels like I’m wearing someone else’s clothes. I feel like I’m playing it being someone else. I think my ancestors are reminding me that although I have made choices that resulted in limited options in terms of flexibility and personal freedom, that doesn’t mean I’m trapped. If focus on the things that I enjoy and still can do, I will find the freedom I desire. I don’t need to lose sight of my dreams even if there’s no way to manifest them right now.
In fact, this is probably a perfect time to explore those dreams, to reconnect with my inner wisdom, my unconscious, and see if there have been changes. Sometimes it’s easy to get trapped in dreams that have become echoes of the past. This is an opportunity to make sure they’re visions of the future.
What is beginning to wither in your life that deserves more of your attention?
This I interesting because I think what’s withering in my life is the influence of the inner demons and self-doubt that have often plagued and haunted me. Even though I still pay lip-service to not being confident and valuing my self, I think the reality is that I am confident I just didn’t realize it or embrace it. It deserves more of my attention because I have to fully incorporate this into my self perception and how I interact with the outer world. I have a chance to make some interesting changes and transform the rest of my life but first I have to accept that those inner demons don’t have power over me anymore.
The reversed Knight of Pentacles suggests that I don’t need should be so defensive; trying to insulate myself with protective layers. It doesn’t mean I have to rush to make these changes but I can take my time and cut through that protection like peeling an onion. This is an opportunity to get back to the core of who I am and who I want to be.
What are you doing to take care of your health & body?
I wondered what cards I’d draw in response to this query. Of course Tarot didn’t let me down!
To take care of my health, I’ve stopped listening to experts, pundits and well-meaning friends and family. Just like everything else, there is no “one size fits all” approach to healthy eating. Instead of reading more books on various eating styles, I’ve decided to listen to myself, to my body. I have type II diabetes but it is fairly well controlled. Unfortunately the standard ADA recommended eating plan elevates my glucose levels. I have found that the Paleo & Keto/low-carb eating plans help control my glucose levels but often leave me hungry. So instead of trying to find a different eating plan I’m cobbling together my own.
I’m also working on ceasing some delusional thinking on my part. Wishful thinking won’t change or heal anything. No matter how much I wish it was true, I need to exercise. I need to be moderate in my snacking. Even healthy snacks become unhealthy if overindulged. I’m still a work in progress but I’m getting there. I have faced this reality and I’m working towards dragging myself forward (kicking & screaming maybe but moving forward). I do appreciate my body and if I don’t start caring for it properly I don’t want to consider the consequences.
What is waiting within you to be realized? What is your next step?
So! I got the High Priestess again. Clearly she has a message that I’m either ignoring or not understanding. Looking at the image on that card I’m struck by the sense of hidden knowledge; wisdom being contained until I’m capable of understanding and embracing it. It’s as if the High Priestess and her Crow are speaking to me but I don’t recognize their language.
The Star Rx is pointing out that I need to look inward. In order to learn the High Priestess’ language I need to understand myself. The truth is she isn’t blocking me from finally learning what she hides; she’s protecting me from more pain. Although I present myself as though the pain and trauma of my past doesn’t hurt anymore, I’m lying to myself. If I want to heal and move forward then I need to truly release that pain and not just ignore it.
My next step is to stop trying to walk away from my emotions. I can’t run fast or far enough to escape it. I need to face it head on; stop treating my sometimes brutal past as a punchline. The reality is that I did survive but there are scars – physical, emotional and psychological. They may not be visible anymore but their energy lingers.
It is time! Enough energy was spent in the planning stages; now it’s time to move forward, to get this show on the road. The inspiration for this kept you up nights, running through your thoughts like an out of control herd of mustangs. Harness that untamed energy, that wild spirit! Let that creative drive work for you.
It’s time to let go of the need to judge and focus on the darker side of life. Instead, try connecting with the world around you; the wisdom of nature. Listen to the messages being offered to you by the divine.
You may be intelligent, rational and a great communicator but you can also be harsh and judgmental, especially about yourself. Crows are very canny creatures who are quick to learn and smart about their environment but don’t waste time judging. Maybe you should take a page from their handbook and release some of those inner critics that judge so harshly.
You may be a master at what you do but your rational, logical approach to matters can come across as harsh and cold. As the saying goes, judge not lest ye be judged Maybe it’s time to incorporate a more humane, approachable, less buttoned up persona.