Samhain 2021 – A New Year

This is something I’ve been putting off for a while now. Partly because I’m a fairly private person and don’t like exposing parts of myself to the general public but somehow this felt important to address here. On April 8th I lost my husband of 35 years. He died of a massive heart attack and went the way he would have wanted to go quickly and probably painlessly. And while I’m happy that he didn’t suffer, I’m also angry that he left me. I realize that to some degree this was out of his hands but I’m convinced that his smoking along with stress contributed to this. Maybe if he had stopped smoking a few years back it wouldn’t have gone this way. I’m trying to adapt to this new status in my life. For the first time in 38 years I am not part of John and Debbie; I’m just Debbie, and I’m not sure how to be just Debbie anymore. So I’m learning.

I’ve been very lucky to have supportive friends and families helping me with this and I’ve been doing a lot of Tarot work. In fact I think the only reason I might avoid grief counseling is because of the Tarot. It’s reminded me that one gift from my husband that I need to carry forward is a belief in myself. He was always my biggest supporter and convinced that I could do anything if I focused on it. So now I need to focus on being a solo individual. It is both an exhilarating and terrifying concept.

In honor of Samhain I decided to do the Fruits of Wisdom spread from Christine Jette’s Tarot for All Seasons. I used the Trick or Treat Tarot and pulled the following cards:

Fruits of Wisdom Spread using Trick or Treat Tarot

Death reverse carries a fairly simple to understand message for me right now – I’m still processing my John’s death and it’s ramifications. I’ve accepted and continue processing his loss but what is more challenging to get a handle on is who I am in the wake of his death. I think that’s where the Ace of Wands comes into play. It’s reminding me that no matter how much I sometimes feel the desire to join John, the reality is that I’m not the tight to just lie down and die. It’s not who I am and it’s not what John would want me to do. The Fool reversed is pointing out that I need to release and let go of the pattern of stasis I’ve been in lately. I lost my faith in myself and it’s paralyzing me so it’s time to let it go; time to make those leaps of faith and believe things will work out; to explore the uncharted territory that is Debbie Alone. I need to protect and nurture all the skills I’ve acquired up to this point, embrace the lessons John taught and the knowledge I gained simply by watching and listening to him. The Knight of Pentacles has always been the court card I most associate with John. Showing up reversed here reinforces that while he might be gone from the physical realm he’s still alive in my heart and soul. The Page of Cups reminds me that at the end of the day I need to look within myself and reconnect with things that gave ME joy and make ME happy. For 38 years I’ve taken into consideration what kinds of things John liked to do and where my interests and his overlapped. He did as well; that’s what being in a relationship should be. Now that John is gone I have an opportunity to explore my interests and my joys. I don’t know where this will take me but I’m cautiously optimistic that it will be an interesting journey.

Who Would I Be if I Was Not Me? (#Tarot #LightSeer’s)

I was recently reading a work of fan fiction in which the protagonist developed amnesia. The story focuses on learning who you are all over again, both the good aspects and the bad.  This made me wonder how I would feel about myself if I woke up with all my skills and knowledge but no memories of my past, of who I was.  As I slowly learned about myself, what would I think about that person?  Would I be disappointed by things I had done?  Would I be proud of what I achieved?  So, I decided to work with my tried & true standby, my Tarot deck, to find an answer.

  • What positive aspects of the old me would I like?  10 of Swords Rx
  • What negative aspect of the old me would be disappointing?  3 of Wands Rx
  • How can I change that which should be changed?  – 6 of Swords
  • What part of me would be changed the most if I had amnesia?  Knight of Cups
  • So, who would I be?  Page of Swords

The 10 of Swords Rx speaks to me of being a survivor; someone who is able to take a beating and keep on going, endure being stabbed in the back.  There is strength, stubbornness and beauty in this image.  She is not easily defeated and will continue on her journey despite any and all objections.  I do think this is a quality I embody and it’s one of which I’m very proud.  I think I’ve taken a lot of knocks in life; triumphed over a number of disadvantages and keep moving forward.
The 3 of Wands Rx suggest that one of my less admirable qualities is that I’m not a self-starter; I will often let self doubt and insecurity undermine pursuing my goals, my dreams.  I often became enthusiastically involved in projects other people have begun but rarely initiate them myself.  This means I’m pretty good at helping other people achieve their dreams, but lousy at pursuing my own.
The 6 of Swords reminds me that what I need to change is my focus and my willingness to pursue my own ideas.  When I look at this image the woman in the boat has harnessed crows and has them pulling her across the water. She is alone, doing this by herself.  The birds off in the distance are distraction, not part of her journey.  This card reminds me that I can do it by myself, I just need to be focused and trust in my own ideas, my own thoughts.  I can’t allow myself to get distracted by self-doubt, inner critics or other people’s input.
The Knight of Cups shows me that without the life history I have had, I would be more open on an emotional level and more willing to pursue my hopes and dreams.  I wouldn’t be so suspicious and emotionally closed off.  Even looking at the image on this card I want to mock him and feel contempt for him.  My initial reaction to this image is that he’s a poser, that this is an act to seduce someone into trusting him.  Of course that tells you more about my state of mind and frame of reference than about this card.
The Page of Swords as a reminder that if I were able to let go of my defense mechanisms and protective weapons developed to prevent and protect me from harm, I would be a perpetual student.  I would maintain a youthful enthusiasm for learning new ideas and experiencing new things.
I think if nothing else, the take away from this reading is that if I can let my defenses down a bit and listen to my inner self, I’ll find more joy and fulfillment in my life.  Being a bit more trusting and open might bring untold benefits and satisfaction.

#ChattingwithTarot – Judgement, The Star + The Tower (#DreamKeepers #Tarot)

There’s a lot of battered and broken going on here; desolation and devastation, but at the core hope remains. I think my ancestors are reminding me that no matter how bad things get, how destructive they seem, hope remains.

Maybe there are important lessons that must be learned in the brokenness and devastation. What will be built after the rubble is cleared away will be better, stronger and healthier. There are always people willing to fight the good fight and I can choose to be a fighter or become part of the rubble.

My ancestors seem to be reminding me that in my core I’m an optimist. Despite how ugly and unpleasant things may get, I ultimately believe in the human spirit. I believe people are good. The trick is to remind them of that fact.

#ChattingwithTarot – 6 of Swords Rx, 7 of Wands + 9 of Swords Rx (#WizardsTarot)

So, regular card of the day readings aren’t working for me. So I decided to take a slightly different approach and have a daily chat with my Tarot deck.

I got the idea during Rana George’s session on Lenormand at this year’s Divination Day prior to Readers’ Studio. She said she would never do a one card Lenormand reading because a Lenormand reading is like a sentence requiring a subject, verb and object or like a conversation. It needs more than just one card. So I took that concept and applied it to my daily readings for myself. It helps put me in a different frame of mind.

So I sat down with a cuppa tea, pulled three cards and this is the message I received:

Her message:. “Stop resisting change, moving on to the next phase. You’re fighting too hard to maintain the status quo; defending yourself from imaginary threats. The only demons are in your head and if you look at things clearly you’ll realize they don’t exist. Right now the only thing you need to defend yourself from are your own doubts.”

#TarotDaily – (3 of Wands Rx + Queen of Cups Rx (#AllHallows)

So today I pondered where to focus my attention; my big, juicy brain (sorry, been watching zombie flicks with the hubby). This is the answer I received. Hmph, interesting that these cards are the same suits I drew yesterday. So I’d have to say I still need to focus on exploring and determining what brings me joy and how to express it and use it to fuel my creative energies.

I need to relearn the contours of my own heart – not always an easy task. I have a tendency of doing first and letting introspection fall by the wayside. I often joke that I’m as deep as a babbling brook, but that’s bullshit. It’s more accurate to say although I can be as deep as a babbling brook (I truly am a very WYSIWYG kinda gal), I also have hidden, unplumbed depths. The reversed Queen of Cups is telling me it’s time for some deep diving.

#TarotDaily – 7 of Swords Rx + Page of Cups (Guardian)

TarotHunter’s Salt Rounds:

  • What have you sacrificed in pursuit of your heart’s desire? How much of yourself have you lost? Was it worth it?
  • You’ve let logic and intellect take you in the wrong direction; listened to the wrong advisors. Now might be a good time to walk away and follow your heart.
  • You have been given messages from the divine, from nature; omens pointing you in the right direction which you have ignored. Reconnect with your heart and listen to the message it brings. You might find your way to the true fulfillment and happiness you seek.

#TarotDaily – Lovers+ Ace of Swords Rx (Guardian)

TarotHunter’s Salt Rounds:

  • Are you facing a major decision; a life altering choice? Don’t over think it! Look deep within yourself and trust your instincts. Listen to that divine spark in your soul and you’ll know what oath to choose.
  • The current situation is not about a failure to communicate. However it might be a good idea to listen to what’s truly being said; to listen to your inner voice.
  • When you look at others, do you see the divine reflected in their eyes? Are you truly looking? Remember that sometimes faith and trust are not intellectual exercises, they are choices and life experiences.

#TarotDaily – Chariot + King of Pentacles (Guardian)

TarotHunter’s Silver Bullets:

  • Branching out, exploring different options and trusting your instincts can aid you in your journey to your final destination – being able to manifest your goals into reality.
  • The journey is important and offers valuable lessons but remember that the end of one journey is also the beginning of the next.
  • You’ve achieved this set of goals, now where will your journey take you? Is your journey linear or a spiral that occasionally revisits certain lessons? Mastery of one lesson may not mean you’re finished. Refresher courses can be beneficial.

#TarotDaily – Knight of Coins Rx + The Lovers

TarotHunter’s Salt Rounds:

  • You’re not seeing the choices available, the paths that lie open to you, because your head is up your ass. Get your head out of there and move!
  • You think if you avoid choosing and just continue plodding ahead a decision will be made for you. Bullshit! Take charge of your life! Be responsible for your decisions and accept the consequences. Otherwise you’ll never find what you truly seek.
  • You have no sense of direction or purpose and have been moving forward because a thing in motion stays in motion. Lift up your head and look around you. There are choices to be made, paths to be selected! Become engaged in your own life before it’s too late. Choose yourself!

#TarotDaily – The Lovers + 10 of Swords Rx (Deirdre)

Tarot Hunter’s Salt Rounds:

  • Your choices and decisions are based on past pain and betrayal. In order to move forward in a healthy, positive way you need to let go.
  • Making a decision can be challenging when it has the potential to change your course in life. Inside you’ve made your plans and have your thoughts in order, so it’s time to move to the next level.
  • In your heart you know the right path to choose even if it results in short term pain or others’ perceptions of betrayal. You need to do what will best help you move forward and hope any negative attitudes will be left behind.