A blogging introvert – is that an oxymoron?

So, I am an introvert. This must be understood or nothing that follows will make sense. ūü§ĒūüėČ. I know I’m an introvert because unreliable, potentially invalid online testing told me so. ūü§Į Actually, it’s not a surprise. My entire childhood was spent with my nose in a book and my body in the NY Public Library. I may be the only kid I know who had a fake library card. Several library books had been lost in a fire in our apartment and, rather than explain the circumstances to a librarian, I got a library card using my grandmother’s last name.

Now if you’ve met me you might think I’m extroverted because I can be quite opinionated and rarely have a problem expressing it. However, I am only comfortable doing so in a familiar environment. For example, at school (once I became comfortable), with friends and at events like Readers Studio. The shared element here is that I already have a built in support network of friends and co-conspirators who know and love, or at least tolerate, me. I tend not to do well among strangers or in unfamiliar environments. So, after completing several online versions of the Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory and being assessed as INFP by all of these different “tests”, I suppose that makes it official – I’m definitely introverted.

I am also a very private person. I tend not to like my personal business being shared hither and yon. Social media interactions often send me running while screaming “Ah, people!!!!” – like Gossamer, the hairy orange monster from Bugs Bunny. However, I obviously maintain a blog in which I share some very personal information with complete strangers. What the f*ck is wrong with me?!! Well, as it turns out, lots of things but not because of blogging. ūüėú So, to further explores this matter I did what I often do – a Tarot reading.

I used the Lo Scarabeo Secret Tarot deck and asked:

  • What are the benefits of blogging for me?
  • What are the challenges?
  • What should I focus on with my blog?

I drew The Hanged Man Rx, The Sun Rx, and the 6 of Wands Rx. I know, look at all those reversals!

So my immediate response to these reversals is that this is truly all about me; about my internal processes and how I work through my own swampland of the soul. I don’t blog for others, I do it as a form of journaling; a way to explore the labyrinth within me. It helps me see things from a different perspective and in an objective manner. It also works for me because it doesn’t put me in the spotlight. I’ve never been comfortable being the center of attention or standing out in a crowd, unless it’s a familiar crowd. I do love if someone has gotten something useful from my meandering and tangents and let’s me know but I certainly would be uncomfortable being called out for it in public. Private”atta broads” work just fine for me.

I think I need to focus on the fact that this blog is a record of my struggles, victories and losses. I’m not trying to portray myself as a superhero, far from it. Sometimes I’m a little cuckoo and need to rant. Other times I’m thoughtful and pondering. Other times I’m outrage and frustrated. What ties all this together is that regardless if mindset, I find my Tarot deck a useful tool to help me process it all. And, if any of my processes help anyone else going through similar experiences then I’ll count that as a triumph!

#TarotDaily – 6 of Wands + The Hanged Man Rx (Toscano)

TarotHunter’s Salt Rounds:

  • You believe you’re a champion but if you have to turn yourself upside down and inside out to do it, are you truly winning?
  • You’re pursuing victory using the same stale tactics. Stop resisting change and try exploring new perspectives. It might improve your chances and revitalize your mojo.
  • You’ve stripped yourself to the bone and given all you have in pursuit of your goal. When was the last time you stopped to truly enjoy what you’ve gained?

Thoughtful Thor’s Day: Where in my life am I frustrated? 9 of Cups, 4 of Swords + Prince of Pentacles R (DruidCraft)

Green Man Tree Oracle Quert/Apple

Today I drew the fid Ceirt. ¬†Erynn Rowan Laurie writes this: ¬†Ceirt, along with h-√öath, is one of the most challenging ogam feda. Its meaning of a rag or a shrub links it in my mind with the practice of tying rags to clootie trees in Ireland and Scotland as an appeal for healing (McManus uses the “shrub” or “bush” definition, while Meroney suggested that the word was translated as “a rag”. I found the connections between both of these suggested meanings useful enough that I have chosen to use both, though Meroney’s definition is probably not correct.). These trees are often found at sacred wells or on fairy mounds, and are significant for being very much associated with Otherworldly beings and energies that can be fickle and unpredictable.

The apple, on the other hand, is often associated with the Otherworld in its most positive aspects. In fact, one of the Irish Otherworlds was named Eamhain Ablach, the Realm of Apples. It is one of the favored mythological foods throughout the Celtic islands, not unlike hazelnuts. Found on magical branches and eaten in Otherworldly feasts, the apple looms large in insular Celtic myth.

The complex of meanings surrounding this fid often point to intense frustration and even self-destructive activity. When it comes up in a reading, be careful of sudden changes in fortune or capricious individuals. It‚Äôs associated with bad luck and with psychological problems, but because of its linked association with clootie trees, there can also be an element of hope to this fid that h-√öath lacks. In divination, it can point to a situation of poverty or illness that is temporary, or to setbacks in a person’s life or situation.

Misfortune, frustration, poverty, illness, and bad luck are part and parcel of Ceirt’s chthonic current. A need for caution or retreat may manifest here, reflecting difficult physical or emotional circumstances. You may be approaching a situation with timidity, damaging yourself in the process. Look to the surrounding feda for clarification of your situation. When dealing with difficult people, malice may be involved; be sure it is not your own. Be very careful that you are not acting as your own worst enemy.

Linked Concepts: Poverty, illness, fleeing, retreat, madness, insanity, ill luck without total loss, psychological issues and problems, the hope for healing from illness or madness.

So I asked Tarot:  Where in my life am I frustrated? 9 of Cups, 4 of Swords + Prince of Pentacles R (DruidCraft)

DruidCraft 9 of Cups 53 DruidCraft Prince of Pentacles

So let’s see, I’m frustrated in having my wishes granted, getting some true rest and moving forward to manifest my goals and desires. Gee, isn’t that just grand! Okay I’m being facetious but the reality is that this is a pretty accurate description.

My wishes are fairly simply right not but not very likely to happen because I want my life back. That is just not in the cards right now. How appropriate that this fid is associated with frustration, misfortune and even madness because those words are an accurate description of how I feel right now. The lordly figure on this card seems to be celebrating his good fortune, surveying his wealth and gifts. I can’t do that right now. Not that I don’t have blessings (I do and I’m grateful for them). It’s simply that I can’t focus on them. It’s hard to appreciate the good things in your life when the frustrating, exhausting ones are more assertive.

The 4 of Swords points out that I’m frustrated because I feel as though I get no rest; not time to myself just to think. Meditation, study, even simply pondering life are difficult right now. I suppose it isn’t fair to say it’s impossible but it’s extremely challenging. I wish I had time to sit in the lea of a tree and think important thoughts.

The Prince of Pentacles reversed is reminding me that I’m frustrated by my own lack of progress. It’s one thing to be cautious and practical in one’s pursuits and endeavors. It’s another to be stuck in place and never move forward. I can’t shield or protect myself from what is going on in my life but that doesn’t meed things should stay at a standstill. That might be the most frustrating aspect of all.

I can’t say these frustrations are surprising. They reinforce what I already know. Assessing these frustrations with an impartial eye might help me figure out how to change them. I realize that won’t happen all at once but taking even a baby step will help change this dynamic and perhaps lessen some of this frustration.

These cards have also reinforced something that’s been bothering me lately – my tendency to avoid. I am starting to believe I’ve raised avoidance to an art form. I’ve always been a procrastinator. In fact throughout high school and college I was notorious for waiting until the last minute to complete assignments (unless I was working as part of a team). I always received good grades so the incentive to change this behavior just wasn’t there. My hubby used to joke that if I actually applied myself I’d have a 4.0 GPA. I just wasn’t that motivated to try any harder. AT my core, I think I’m rather lazy.

This laziness is a rut, a defense mechanism. If I don’t actually try anything then I can’t actually fail at it. It’s a ridiculous response to this situation but at the same time there is a certain logic to it. The problem with is that I still end up feeling like a failure. I am a smart, accomplished, caring and loving person. I can be funny and generous and I can be harsh and judgmental (in other words I’m perfectly human like everyone else). I need to find ways to motivate and inspire myself so that I break free of this rut and manifest the changes of which I know I’m capable.

DruidCraft Prince of Swords

I asked that Tarot one last question about this issue “How can I change this pattern?” and I drew the Prince of Swords. I need to harness my energies, make a plan and stick with it. Planning and follow through are going to be the keys to changing these frustrations. At the same time I need to embrace the messages I’ve received over the past few days about healing. I still have healing work to do on myself and I need to be careful not to beat myself up if things don’t change as quickly as I think they should. It’s a fine balancing act and one that will take effort and focus to achieve.

What area of my life remains unexplored? – 8 of Cups R + Ace of Pentacles R (Hidden Realms)

Hidden Realms 8 of CupsHidden Realms Ace of Pentacles

That companion book for this deck describes the 8 of Cups being about trusting¬† your instincts and not letting logic brain distract you from continuing your journey.¬† For me I think this cards message is that I’m not there yet.¬† I’m still working on trusting my instincts and intuition.¬† I’ve gotten better over the last few years but I still have a ways to go.¬† A friend offered that perhaps there was some issue I still hadn’t been able to let go and leave behind and that is holding me back.¬† That certainly makes sense but right now I’m not seeing what that might be.

The Ace of Pentacles, my little hedgehog, has decided to show up again.  Once again he serves as a reminder that the quieter, less visible path to creating new wealth and manifesting a new life can be just as powerful as roaring in the sun.  He also points his little nose towards the figure in the 8 of Cups so he is suggesting that whatever that represents is the key to moving forward in a new career and finding new prosperity.

I was still unclear about the message of this card so I pull a clarifier and received The Magician.¬† He looks like a youthful, self-indulgently sexy Sirius Black.¬† He is a figure of promise and power, magic and manifestation.¬† He bares his chest to show that the way to my heart’s desire is control and will.¬† If I will it to be so and am willing to exert the self-control necessary to focus my energies and channel them, I can make things happen.

Hidden Realms Magician

This card initially just confused me more.¬† I wasn’t getting the message until I laid the cards side by side.¬† Then I realized the man on the reversed 8 of Cups is looking behind him, the hedgehog on the reversed Ace of Pentacles is looking towards the 8 of Cups and The Magician is looking directly at me.¬† If I read them together they tell me “stop looking behind you, let go of past success and wealth.¬† The future is in your heart and will”.¬† Okay, that might not be so earth-shattering but at least I’m starting to get it.¬† What remains unexplored is the past and how it might still be impacting me.

In many ways I’ve worked through some of it but I used to think that I’ll never fully forgive or forget.¬† However if I want to thrive and triumph I need to find the path to do both those things.¬† In order to put the hurt and pain behind me and free myself for potential prosperity, I need to accept and embrace those experiences.¬† They helped make me who I am today and even if they were unfair, biased and not based on any professional lack on my part.¬† None of that matters.¬† I had given so much of myself to that job that it tore my heart out when I was fired.¬† Intellectually I understand that it was driven by personality issues between “he who must be obeyed” and me.¬† In my heart I just feel hurt and betrayed, like a little kid left out of the game.¬† The only way I can truly lose in this situation is if I let it keep me down.¬† Screw that!¬† I won’t let anyone else do that to me and I won’t do it to myself either.

My soul wails in sorrow but is watched over – 9 of Air R + Hag of Earth R (Dark Goddess Tarot)

Dark Goddess 9 of AirDark Goddess Hag of Earth

I was reading an interesting article about the Black Madonna in the book The Moonlit Path in which the author describes how tube worms living over thermal vents in the deep ocean transform the toxic emissions into energy.¬† He compares this to how the Dark Madonna can force us to transform the toxins in our own lives into something useful and beneficial.¬† This made me wonder about the toxins in my life that I haven’t transformed yet.¬† Toxins that are still festering inside me and poisoning all they touch.

Then I looked at the two cards I drew from the Dark Goddess Tarot.¬† The 9 of Air shows a Banshee, an Irish spirit that wails in warning at the impending death of a loved one.¬† She is a fearsome figure who cannot be bargained with because she does not cause the loss, she simply mourns it.¬† As I looked at this image it struck me that she was that part of my spirit that wails and mourns the childhood innocence I lost.¬† She is the piece of my soul that has not recovered from the loss of trust and faith that childhood abuse caused me.¬† In fact I don’t think I even realized that was the case until I looked at this card and pondered her message.¬† She is stripped bare, a mere wraith with no visible signs of femininity.¬† Yet she is powerful; a harbinger of loss and sorrow whose message cannot be denied.¬† Her message to me is shrouded in mist but becoming clearer.

Hag of Earth shows She Who Watches, a reddish stone face carved into a pile of rocks.¬† At first I didn’t understand her message, her blank staring eyes didn’t connect with anything for me.¬† Then I considered it further and her very lack of expressions spoke to me.¬† She is the one who observed and recorded the abuse and chaos I suffered as a child.¬† She is the one who watched and validated what was done to me.¬† She reminds me that none of this was in my imagination.¬† None of it was my fault.¬† I was a child deserving of protection, love and support.¬† Nothing I did brought any of this on me and nothing I did could have stopped it.¬† She could not take me in her arms and comfort me but she did record it for me.

Considering this powerful message made me cry.¬† I have long thought that I left this behind me but obviously I did not.¬† I may have moved on but I haven’t healed.¬† There is still much I need to release from my past in order to restore a sense of wholeness to myself.¬† I don’t need validation or recognition from anyone else and even if I got that it would change nothing.¬† These dark ladies have ripped open the wound and caused the blood to flow afresh.¬† Now it’s up to me to allow the poisons to drain away and bandage it up once the toxins are gone.

Scrubbing and cleaning is well and good but it doesn’t need to be overly harsh – Strength R + Queen of Wands R (Housewives)

Housewives Strength Housewives Queen of Wands

Me, me, me – it’s all about me.¬† Well what I really mean is that it’s about the deepest me, the spiritual me.¬† Strength is my Sun sign card and the Queen of Wands has always felt like the Queen that is the truest me (I’m a Leo sun sign).¬† As both these bad boys are reversed today I’m taking that to mean I need to tone down their energies a bit.¬† Both of these cards can sometimes be very assertive, energetic and even exhausting.¬† Or perhaps the message here is that I’ve been channeling the energies of these cards at a high level lately and it might be good to relax a bit.

It’s funny that the image on Strength is a box of Scribbo pads – the ultimate abrasive cleaner.¬† In some respects I think that describes one of my approaches to life.¬† Sometimes I’m an abrasive cleaner, especially if I think someone is being disingenuous.¬† One of my pet peeves (actually it may rise to the level of compulsion) is hypocrisy.¬† I cannot abide it in myself or in anyone else.¬† I have been known to scour away at the veneers and layers of falseness to get to the truth underneath.¬† Needless to say this can sometimes make me quite unpopular with family and friends.¬† I suppose my good qualities outweigh this one because most do stay on good terms with me.

The Queen of Wands reinforces this  abrasive cleaner aspect in my personality.  She does not suffer fools and does not have enough tact to hide that fact.  She wields the scepter/broom that beats you into submission or sweeps away the bullshit, if necessary.  She almost appears to be challenging you to join her if you dare.

To me, the reversed nature of both these cards tells me that I have a two fold message.¬† On one level I need to do some scrubbing, cleaning and sweeping in my own life.¬† It’s part of my continuing journey to clear away what doesn’t serve me anymore.¬† I think I’m doing well but now is not the time to give up.¬† On another level I think both these cards are reminding me that I can be a bit kinder and gentler about it – especially with others.¬† Now is a time for welcoming in and enjoying rather than scrubbing away and baring it all.

I don’t feel quite so much like a butterfly pinned in a display this week

Witches 5 of Swords Dance of Life 5 of Health


My card for today is the 5 of Swords R (from Ellen Dugan’s Witches’ Tarot) and the 5 of Health R from the Dance of Life.

I have to say, feeling like a butterfly being pinned by 5 swords (a la the Witches’ Tarot) has certainly been a familiar experience in the past. Luckily things are improving somewhat so that sense is not as immediate as it once was. There has been a reduction of craziness in the day-to-day responsibilities. I’m feeling like I can breathe just a bit easier.

The keyword on the Dance of Life Tarot for this card is Stress and I can certainly identify with that. My life has been one big stress ball for the past 4 years or so. I have made some changes to my own attitude to help me deal with it – the reality is there is nothing that will fix this situation but how I approach it can make all the difference in how my day goes. And for the past 2 or 3 weeks I’ve seen some improvements on the home front. Perhaps my new approach is helping.

I’ve also found that keeping myself busy, even if it’s only browsing through interior decorating magazines, helps reduce some of my stress. There have been days when I’ve felt as though my guts were as twisted up in knots as the scarf on the Dance of Life 5 of Health. It’s not a fun place to be or an enjoyable experience. Lately the knots have come undone a bit. There are still days when it’s a challenge not to run screaming into the night like a Banshee but so far I’m holding it together. The bottom line is that I do love my in-laws and want to do what I can to help them and the hubby out right now. However I am human and feel resentful, angry, frustrated and a bunch of other emotions that make me less than pleasant. Hopefully I’m getting better at finding ways to siphon those unpleasant energies into more constructive channels.

I think these cards are reflecting the stress reduction and reminding me that I have made changes that proved beneficial and I can continue to do so. It’s not easy (then again there are days when nothing is easy so that’s no surprise). I think the fact that these cards are connected with air (ideas, thoughts, etc.) in one deck and health in the other is significant too. I’ve come to realize that my current lifestyle specifically as it pertains to eating, is slowly killing me. The fact that I have Type II diabetes and eat cookies and other sweets like they’ll disappear tomorrow is so ridiculous that I cannot fathom why I do it. In some ways I’m like a junkie in need of a fix. I know some of this is driven by a need to make myself feel better when the shit hits the fan. It’s also partly due to a lifelong sweet tooth. However if I can reduce the stress then I can also find healthier and more positive methods of dealing with this issue. It won’t get fixed tomorrow but as long as I start taking those damn baby steps, I’ll reach my destination.

Reading on a 3 of Swords moment

The other day I received a phone call from a former friend/co-worker (I’ll call her Alice) that left me feeling betrayed and vindicated at the same time.

Alice and I used to work at a non-profit organization. ¬†My immediate supervisor (let’s call him Frank) didn’t like the fact that I had connection at the agency’s main office and mistrusted me. ¬†I was younger and arrogant and didn’t realize I should have taken some steps to reassure him. ¬†As a result I found myself transferred to a meaningless position at the agency’s main office and my future career was in jeopardy.

At the time Alice was friend’s with both Frank and me. ¬†I always had a feeling she knew this was coming but she never gave me a heads up. ¬†Then again it’s possible that even if she had I would have blown it off. ¬†After the transfer my career was a bit rocky for a while but I eventually found a mentor at the agency and flourished under her guidance. ¬†My friendship with Alice was strained but we did stay in touch. ¬†Eventually both she and Frank left the agency to pursue other careers.

A few years later Frank returned to the agency – once again a “golden boy” who was viewed as the future of the agency. ¬†At the time I had little to do with him because I worked in a different division. ¬†Frank eventually became the executive director of the agency and anyone who flourished under the previous regime was targeted for termination. ¬†He brought Alice back as a consultant to assist him in team building and other personnel development exercises.

Alice and I were on friendly terms – perhaps not as close as we once were but still friendly. ¬†Then the bloodletting began. ¬†By the third round of terminations my mentor decided to leave the agency because she knew she was on the chopping block. ¬†I stayed behind and tried to make the best of it. ¬†I recall mentioning to Alice that I felt like a wife of Henry VIII waiting for the executioner’s axe. ¬†Her comment was a non-committal¬†one.

Eventually the axe fell and I was terminated (despite excellent performance reviews). ¬†To say I was devastated would be an understatement. ¬†It was a Tower experience I hope never to repeat. ¬†I did not hear from my “friend” Alice, despite the fact that she is a train conflict resolution counselor and often see¬†herself¬†in the role of emotional supporter and adviser.

I didn’t hear from her again until last week. ¬†She called me out of the blue to apologize for not having called me or reached out to me for over 3 ¬†years. ¬†I was cold but not rude. ¬†Then she mentioned that she had never been in a job situation which required her not to speak to someone. ¬†My brain froze when she said this. ¬†I took this to mean Frank told her not to contact me. ¬†That infuriated me and stirred up a lot of feeling I thought had been settled.

After the phone call from Alice I wasn’t sure how to proceed with this relationship and the situation. I have no real desire to even attempt to establish a relationship with Annie however I do feel as though it isn’t quite over yet.

I think the biggest surprise was when she mentioned that it was the first she was in a job situation that required her not to speak to someone. The only thing I can determine from that comment is that Frank told her not to speak to me after I was fired from the agency. On the one hand, that seems like exactly the type of behavior I would expect from Frank. On the other hand I cannot believe Alice gave in to that request. I think that surprises me more than anything else.

The day I received her phone call I drew a card to see what I needed/could take away from this situation and drew the 7 of Cups reversed. I interpreted this to mean that what I needed to accept is that my firing from the agency was out of my control. There was no choice I could have made and no action I could have taken that would have changed it. The decision was out of my hands and influence. It was Frank’s game and I had no input regarding the rules or anything else.

To help me process this issue I decided to do a reading on it.  I used the Osho Zen Tarot and pulled the following cards:

How can I handle this situation?

2 3 4

1 – The root of the issue – Inner Vision (High Priestess)
2 – Internal influences – 2 of Rainbows (Pentacles) R
3 – The core of the issue – 5 of Rainbows (Pentacles) R
4 – External influences – 6 of Clouds (Swords)
5 – Advice – Courage (Strength) R

3 of Swords Reading

This reading is showing that at the root of this issue was the fact that useful information was being withheld from me. My inner voice might have known that this was unavoidable and unpreventable but my mind found that hard to accept. I don’t like feeling out of control. ¬†A friend also suggested that the High Priestess represents Alice too because she pulled back the veil and gave me information I did not¬†previously¬†possess that changes how I perceive this¬†situation

The termination left me feeling off-balance and unsure what to do next as well as triggering my sense of isolation and being an outsider. No real surprise there. The 6 of Clouds reminds me that I’m carrying a burden that is not mine to carry. If I want to move forward I need to release that burden and lighten up my mind. The problem was, is and always will be Frank’s – why carry his mental bullshit on my back.

The advice card, Courage reversed, shows that I have the inner strength and ability to work my way through this situation regardless of whether I ever speak to Annie again or not. The situation truly is resolved all that might remain is for me to express how it made me feel to Alice but even if I never do that I don’t think it will hold me back anymore. And that’s a huge release and relief

What traps me in cycles of self-destruction? King of Cups (Celtic & Northern Shadows)



As soon as I saw this card appear I knew that the answer is “my father” or rather the part of me that behaves as my father did.¬† His alcoholism, emotionally scarred and scarring behaviors, his wounded inner psyche, all combined to make him someone who caused damage because of his need to be loved and his fear that no one really did love him.¬† He had a wounded heart that never healed so he medicated it with alcohol and drugs.

I have a wounded heart that I medicate with food and sweets.¬† Initially these behaviors might not seem as damaging and destructive as my father’s but when one adds in the fact that I have Type II diabetes, these behaviors become very self-destructive indeed.¬† I have often wondered if I have a death wish.¬† Not something conscious which would drive me to commit suicide but a quiet, deeply ingrained sense of worthlessness that makes me feel my death would end my suffering and cause no major ripples in the world.¬† I don’t to believe this is true but I guess on some level it is human nature to feel this way.

This situation is also complicated by the relationship I had with my father and the fact that many of the emotional scars I bear are the result of his behavior towards him.  The sexual molestation and physical abuse left me feeling worthless but defiant.  I might bend to his will because he was bigger and stronger than me but I would never give in and become my mother.  I refused to subsume my personality to his in order to avoid beatings.  That is not who I am nor is it who I want to be.  Beatings only tend to make me more determined, defiant and angry.

And yet, by continuing to behave in ways that damage my health and may ultimately threaten my life, I am subsuming myself to him.¬† I’ve given him mastery and control over my emotions and self-worth.¬† I’m accepting and embracing his self-destructive behaviors as though they are my own.¬† They are not.¬† I want to live (no matter how much of a struggle that might be).¬† I want to have healthy, loving and supportive relationships in my life and I won’t compromise or sell myself short in order to get them.¬† I am not a coward nor am I weak.¬† I can overcome this.¬† I cam beat this emotional inner demon just like I overcame many of the other challenges in my life.¬† In fact if my life were a movie right now Helen Reddy’s classic 70s feminist anthem “I Am Woman” would begin swelling up right about now.¬† As she sang, “Oh yes I am wise, but it’s wisdom born of pain.¬† Yes, I’ve paid the price but look how much I gained.¬† If I have to, I can do anything.”¬† That pretty much says it all.

What do I need to focus on today? The Hermit (Transformational & Gaian)


Hmm, The Hermit.¬† This is a card with which I am not very well acquainted.¬† As I’ve often joked, introspection is not one of my better skills and that certainly seems to be one of the meanings of this card.¬† In fact it is called Introspection in the Transformational Tarot.¬† This is one of those cards that I have a relatively neutral attitude towards.¬† I appreciate the benefits of solitude and introspection.¬† I can also understand that the Hermit is also able to bring back these gifts to help others find their way through the darkness.¬† Who knows, maybe whatever insights I gain from my introspection might help others as well.

This card really ties in beautifully with some other messages I’ve received from the Tarot lately.¬† My first epiphany was when I realized that at the core of some of my issues is not self-esteem (I’m sure I have some self-esteem issues, but then again who doesn’t).¬† My issues stem from trust.¬† I didn’t realize this until I was reviewing some of the questions Sasha Graham asks in her 10 of Swords exercise in Tarot Diva.¬† The questions revolved around negative images we developed based on things people have said to us over the years (“you’re too fat”, “too ugly”, etc.).¬† As I was reading the questions I realized that I can’t point to a specific incidence of that type of insult that stuck in my psyche.¬† It wasn’t resonating with me.

As I pondered this a bit further I realized that most of the experiences in my life that caused damage to my psyche were the result of people praising me with an ulterior motive, their own agenda.  I could often sense the resentment or envy underlying the compliment and it bothered me.  I began to mistrust any positive feedback I got from people because I began to assume that there was something mean-spirited or negative underlying it.  For example I had a friend in school who would always ask what score I had gotten on a test or on my report card.  If my grades were better than hers, she would be envious.  In various ways I experienced situations where older men would flatter me, calling me beautiful or sexy or whatever and then hit on me.  At the time I was about 15 and although I found such attentions flattering I was in o way emotionally able to handle them.

I think The Hermit is going to be my guide to look within myself and help me decide how to process this new insight and where to go with it.¬† It’s interesting that I haven’t realize this before.¬† Something just clicked in my brain when I realized this fact.¬† It also explains why I have a low tolerance for hypocrisy or lying.¬† Honesty is a huge issue for me.¬† In fact sometimes it’s a real problem because even marketing (which smacks a bit of lying to me) can become a problem for me.¬† It makes so much sense why I’ve always felt an affinity for the Queen of Swords and Swords suit in general.¬† To me they have always represented cutting through the bullshit; getting to the truth of the matter.¬† My aversion to Cups is the result of the fact that people claimed to love me while abusing me in some way.¬† I’m a bit of a slow learner (possibly because I’ve avoided introspection) but not that I realize it, I know myself well enough to know I will continue poking at this sore spot until I let all the pus and gore out.¬† Then the healing can begin and ultimately I think that’s what this is about for me – healing.