Regrouping & rebuilding

Just a quick update for any and all who might be interested.  I haven’t been updating my blog lately because I seem to be on a journey of inner transformation since returning from Reader’s several weeks ago. 

I feel as though I’m being broken down and rebuilt on a molecular level.  I’m not sure how I’ll be at the end of this process but I feel strongly that it will come to a head by my 50th birthday in late July. 

Who knows, maybe the divine us remaking me into a Crone!  I am excited and curious to see how things turn out.  Please stay tuned!

Blue Rose Sun

Blue Rose Sun

Blue Rose Tarot
Created by Paula Gibby
Published by Soul Guidance

The Book says: Traditional meanings  – Principle of unity in spirit; experiencing a time of rekindled enthusiasm. Revitalizing something that has previously existed in your life. Joy, happiness and a great sense of the beauty of life. Clarity. Signifies the transit from the manifest light of this world to the light of the world to come. Law of radiance. Abundant joy.

TarotBroad’s Buzz: The young girl holding the pineapple gives a sense of the joy of youth and new possibilities. She holds the faceted pineapple and each facet can serve as a reminder of the potential and possibilities. She reminds us that each of us possess a crystal pineapple – with hundreds of possible opportunities to sparkle and shine. Maybe she is offering us a chance to explore new possibilities and expand our wings. The rainbows and sun shining overhead give a sense of joy, well-being and happiness.

The overwhelming message from this card is one of celebration and exuberance; a chance for a new start and new pathways to explore. But is also shows that once the sun has shone on our lives, there is no more room for self-deception and hiding from the truth. The sun shines its light into all corners of our lives, waking up whatever shadows may have survived our journey through the lunar landscape. And perhaps we first need to come to grips with our deep, intuitive and inner nature before we will be ready to enter the brilliance of the solar world. It will burn away whatever we need to drop by the wayside and release in order to continue our journey. Just as the sun can wither crops if it shines too brightly and too long, so it can wither things which we no longer need or use. This can be beneficial or negative, depending upon focus and needs. So, as Pebbles and Bamm-Bamm sang on the Flintstones, “open up your heart and let the sun shine in“.

Dean & Me – Burlesquing because we don’t know want you to know who we truly are

Vision Tarot - 7 of Wands

Have you ever done a burlesque act? You know what I mean, done a song and dance number to hide the truth about yourself from someone else? It’s probably a defense mechanism you’ve developed to protect yourself after feeling hurt of victimized at various points in your life. I do it all the time. I joke about the pain and difficult experiences I’ve gone through to deflect questions I’m uncomfortable answering. I don my “tough broad” armor to repel any attempts to breach my defenses and get to the heart of me.

I realize this can be counter-productive simply because it’s creates situations in which I’m isolated and feel abandoned but that’s my own doing. I create self-fulfilling prophecies in which I don’t let people in because I’m afraid to trust them but then when I need them no one is there because I pushed them away. In my script, however, I’ve been “abandoned”. It’s screwy and I own it but I’m also taking steps to change this pattern. Quite frankly I didn’t even realize how often I do this until I was reading several blog posts by Sheila O’Malley about this tendency in the Dean Winchester character on Supernatural. As I was reading her analysis something clicked in my brain and I realized how often I do exactly the same thing. I think Dean and I might both be like Charles Durning’s character in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas – dancing my little side step.

Druidcraft 7 of Wands

This can be diverting and a very useful survival tool for brief periods of time. Over the long haul it can eventually create more problems than it solves. As I mentioned, when you are constantly burlesquing people don’t know when to take you seriously. They aren’t sure what is a true issue versus a humorous skit. I’ve done this myself, I make my pain into a comedy routine so people are never sure how serious the pain is. Hell, sometimes neither am I. Don’t misunderstand, I’ll never completely give up the burlesque act because it also serves as a filter – people who are repelled by the burlesque act probably aren’t folks I want to incorporate into my life anyway. Those that are willing to stick around will eventually see the more serious me. In fact they may quickly grow to regret that. Either way the point is that there isn’t anything wrong with putting on a burlesque act. I think it can be healthy and a powerful survival tool. It only becomes problematic when you can’t stop the act; you can’t allow anyone beyond those defenses. It might seem safer but I imagine it’s a lot lonelier too.

Transformational Sun

Transformational Sun

Transformational Tarot
Created by by Arnell Ando
Published by US Games (2006)
ISBN:1572815396

The Book says: Powerful energy that gives a source of strength. It brightens surrounding cards bringing a sense of optimism. A time of growth and rekindled enthusiasm. Achievements acknowledged, success, happiness and true friends. Celebration. A deepening of one’s awareness. A time of creativity.
Reversed: The card warns of one being blinded by ambition and experiencing a possible burnout.

TarotBroad’s Buzz: There is a sense of sweetness and comfort from this card. The children roam in the garden, unafraid and joyful in their surroundings. The sunflowers bloom offering beauty, hope and warmth to the day. The solar father overhead watches his children and guards them from harm. This card brings to mind a time of innocence and youthful energy, or potential and possibilities. Each sunflower represents a possible choice. The children wandering the garden have the opportunity to select whichever one they desire. They are like the newly ripened fruit bursting with seeds just waiting to be planted. Their energy, nourishment and guidance comes from the blessings and support of the solar father. The children also represent the future and a new day dawning. Right now they are carefree and playful, learning the lessons of life. But eventually their day in the sun will come and they will become the leaders and the parents, guarding and protecting the seeds of the next generation.

Mansions of the Moon Sun

Mansions of the Moon Sun

Mansions of the Moon Tarot
ZADOK (dahogue@nctc.net)
Self-Published

The LWB says: The Sun represents the dynamic, vital energy of the true self. The symbolism of this energy is the inner child – that embodies innocence, enthusiasm, and joy.

TarotBroad’s Buzz: This card radiates energy and joy, exuberance and growth. The sense of joy the emanates from the horse and the flowers is almost palpable. This card reminds me of the song Here Comes the Sun, especially the line “it seems the ice is slowly melting. Little darling it seems like years since it’s been here” Perhaps the figures are celebrating the return of the sun after being held in the darkness of the lunar landscape. We have survived facing our inner shadow and grown more comfortable and confident with our intuitional nature. And now is our opportunity to celebrate this new sense of wholeness and integration.

Then again the sun can sometimes represents the face we show to the world – the mask we put on when dealing with others. If the moon is our inner selves the sun is our outer selves. In this card our outer self is having a marvelous time just celebrating being alive. We are like flowers reaching for the warming, nourishing rays of the sun. It also a reminder that after the darkness comes the light; after night comes the day. So no matter how dark or frightening our lunar experience may have we know a new day is dawning and we will have a chance to start over again. Of course sometimes the rays of the sun can be harsh too – revealing things we might prefer to remain hidden. But allowing things to remain in the darkness may prevent us from learning and growing. To me The Sun is a card of growth, radiance, new beginnings, illumination and joy.

Showing the Universe how to treat you

A few weeks ago while chatting with someone about the low self-esteem of a family member I was struck by a thought – the way we dress, carry ourselves and interact with others shows the Universe how to treat us. If we slump, wear ill-fitting or worn clothing and try to act invisible we are telling others we are not worthy of their time. This can often result in others ignoring us or treating us with thoughtless cruelty. As shallow as it may sound, we judge books by their covers all the time and a book that has a torn and frayed cover and yellowed pages sends a very different impression than one with crisp, clean pages and a new cover.

DruidCraft Queen of Swords

This makes me consider how I present myself to others. My style of dress is decidedly casual. I find that when I try for more dramatic or flowy pieces I feel as though I’m wearing a costume. I gave up wearing certain colors (black, grey, navy and classic red) a long time ago for a variety of reasons. One of the primary ones is that I realized that these colors have become de rigeur for those who try to proclaim themselves as chic Manhattanites, as a native New Yorker I decided that I don’t need to wear certain colors to prove my bona fides. If my personality doesn’t prove my birthplace then nothing will.

I also have a bit of a swagger when I walk. I have patterned my walk on my father’s. I didn’t realize this until my husband pointed it out to me. When I thought about it I realized that I was trying to project an image of a tough customer – someone not worth treating as prey. When I was younger I was raped and afterwards I tried to make myself invisible, unnoticeable. That just seemed to make things worse. It was as if I had put a sign on my back saying “easy mark”. I drew all sorts of inappropriate and even frightening attention. Once I decided to carry myself as though I was a 6’2″ bruiser (my father was a large, imposing man) I found that this behavior dramatically decreased. Despite working in some rather sketchy areas as part of my job, I was never threatened or harmed. I unconsciously seem to have tapped into creating a glamour – I sent out energy that gave predators the message that I was a risky target.

All of this is my rather long way of explaining what I mean about showing the Universe how I will be treated. When I acted as though I was a frightened mouse too afraid of my own shadow I became prey. Once I showed the predators that I might be dangerous, they stayed away. I walked with a brisk pace, appeared alert to my surroundings and make sure I held my purse in a way that would make it difficult to snatch. I also carried pepper spray or something I could use as a defensive measure in case the glamour failed. Perhaps when we are bullied or treated badly it is because we are sending out subtle signals that the bullies of the world pick up. I remember a Simpsons episode in which Lisa discovers that “nerds” send out pheromones that attracts the attention of bullies. Who knows, perhaps this is what happens. Maybe when we lack self-esteem and consider ourselves different and worthless freaks we send out some kind of signal to the bullies of the world. If we start to change our perceptions of ourselves and show it in our dress, behavior and attitude, we will find that the Universe begins to treat us differently too. Channel your inner Queen of Wands! Show the world that you are confident, strong and worth honoring. It certainly can’t hurt to try.

Wheel of Change Queen of Wands

Empress Rx – When being kind to yourself is scarier than punishment

 

Blue Rose Tarot EmpressHave you ever found yourself looking at the Empress card and feeling irritated and resentful? I have. I often receive gentle (and not so gentle) nudges from her reminding me that I need to care for myself as well as others in my life; that sometimes I need mothering too. That triggers a host of negative associations – I actively resist being mothered.

I suppose I can lay the blame on my familial dysfunction (isn’t that always the easiest answer). My mother could be passive-aggressive and veer between smothering and deliberate obtuseness. My father was just aggressive, demanding and harsh. Let me be clear – I knew they both loved and supported me but on their bad days they could each be quite awful in their different ways. My father set a high academic standard for me and I rose to the occasion. Unfortunately, while quick to criticize if I didn’t do well, he was not so quick with positive feedback when I did. My mother preferred to stay out of that quagmire altogether. If I complained to her about the unfairness of my father’s expectations and treatment (he once gave my sister $10 for getting a B average report card while my A- average was criticized – “why the minus?”), Mom would shrug and comment that’s how my father was. I’m sharing this to explain why I find criticism or punishment easier to accept than nurturing kindness – it’s just what I became acclimated to receiving.

Mythic Empress

One of my biggest struggles has been learning to accept kindness, support and praise without brushing it aside or downplaying my accomplishments. It’s an uphill battle. I still find it very difficult to accept kind words from friends. I brush it off, make light of it. Accepting that I may be worthy of praise or comfort sits awkwardly in my psyche. I’m no one special – anyone in my place could do this. Maybe that’s true and maybe isn’t. I’m not sure. What I do know is that it’s still a part of myself that needs work. I’m not criticising or denigrating myself, simply acknowledging a truth. Even the Tarot has pointed out that this is an area that could “use improvement”.

So if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, know that you’re not alone. I will bet there are plenty more of us out there resisting praise the way toddlers resist nap time. We can change, improve our self-image so we feel deserving of praise and kind words, but for now we’ll probably keep squirming a bit. For those who have friends & loved ones like me, be gentle with your praise and positive feedback. We’re more used to cruel than kind and there can be quite a learning curve.