So, since my husband died I find myself trying to speak with him every night before I fall asleep. I ask him to give me some kind of sign that he’s still with me in some way and I’ve never gotten one. It frustrated me because I believe in the afterlife and in the soul traveling to the Otherworld after death; and I felt like I was being cheated. I was rather angry about it. It was bad enough that he died on me but now I had no connection, no sense that he was still there at all. Until the other night.
I dreamed I was in my house, not a house I have ever actually owned but I knew it was my house. I also knew that my husband was there. I’m not sure how I knew this because I couldn’t see or hear him, but I was sure he was there. I was getting ready for something but I don’t know what. Then I heard footsteps walking through the house and knew that it was John coming my way. He finally stood in the doorway where I could see him. I took one look at him and turned away towards the wall screaming in horror. I was so terrified that I woke myself up and began sobbing. The figure I saw standing in the doorway bore almost no resemblance to my husband and in fact reminded me more of a Frankenstein type monster. I was shaken by this dream for days afterwards.
So, I processed this dream the way I process anything that bothers me – I did a tarot reading. Using Sasha Graham’s Haunted House Tarot, I pulled 3 cards:
What is the dream telling me? Knight of Wands Rx
Why did my husband appear that way? The Wheel of Fortune Rx
What terrified me? Justice
After looking at these cards, this is my interpretation of this reading. The first sentence that popped in my head upon seeing the reversed Knight of Wands is from the original Planet of the Apes movie. Dr. Zaius warns Taylor to be careful what he looks for because he might not like what he finds. I think that’s what this card is showing me. I’m trying to reach out beyond the veil for some type of reassurance from my husband but now might not be the time for that. What I discover might be more disturbing than I’m ready to handle. I have no idea how time flows in the afterlife or how a human soul processes transitioning to that level. Perhaps the living aren’t supposed to know these things or at least I’m not supposed to at this time.
The reversed Wheel of Fortune tells me that John appeared the way he did because he’s not finished transitioning yet. He hasn’t fully adapted to his new reality and so he looks like an unfinished science experiment. At the same time I can’t help but feel touched and reassured that despite this he still reached out to reassure me because he always tried to do that.
Justice was a little trickier for me to interpret. It wasn’t until I looked at the actual image on the card that a connection was made. The dream terrified me because if I had been able to fully connect to my deceased husband I think it would have thrown me off balance; so off balance that there would have been psychological and physical health repercussions. The female figure in the forefront of the Justice card looks like an old fashioned nurse. This makes me think that as things are right now my health would be endangered and that’s what terrified me. My soul was protecting itself.
When I first woke up from the stream I was so upset and disturbed. It really shook me. However, upon further reflection it has calmed me and helped me move forward in my grieving process. I realize now it’s not that my husband doesn’t want to connect with me; it’s just not advisable right now. Just knowing that he was willing to make the attempt, even if it wasn’t ultimately in either of our best interests, is reassuring and reminds me how much he loved me. I know now that I will reconnect with him someday; if not in this life then in the next. That makes me feel lighter.
She sat alone in the dark trying to connect with her dreams, saddened to realize they were lost. Instead of soaring high supported by exciting ideas and intriguing thoughts, her head was filled with to do lists, meetings and schedules. She was in a position of authority but felt stultified, stagnant. Her spark, her inspiration, her passion for what she did had been doused beneath the mantle of obligation and responsibility.
So, new deck and new approach. I got bored with the bullet point approach so I think these entries will be more stream of consciousness. Hopefully, some will find it interesting. 😉
The spark of attraction draws you together. The potential for passionate partnership offers hope for a new romantic relationship. Or maybe your creative energies will spark off each other and lead you into uncharted territory as far as pursuing your dreams.
Looking at the horses, I sense unharnessed power and strength. They are at rest so their energy is not expressed right now. The Ace of Coral senses that potential and dreams ways to tap that energy; intuits its best use and feels it coursing through her before channeling it and giving it direction.
You risk losing sight of what’s real in your life by clinging to illusions and false promises. Don’t lose yourself in a fantasy.
Listen to the advice given by trusted friends & family. It’s possible that what you’ve been focusing your energy on is more pipe dream than potential.
When was the last time you sat with yourself? Listened to your inner voice? Now might be good to focus on inner work rather than outer dreams. The dreams serve to distract you from where you truly need to focus.
The Legacy of the Divine King of Cups shows a regal looking man dressed in regal deep turquoise robes holing a golden chalice. He stands before a pool of water and is flanked by statues of seahorses. I get the sense that he is offering me a draught from the pool before him and that he will help me learn how to process whatever I find after drinking the waters. On the Tarot of the Crone card, which is called Shadow of Cups – Drowning, there is the outline of a female figure floating in the middle of a purple body of water. She does not appear to be struggling or swimming, simple hanging there as if in mute acceptance of what is happening to her.
It is interesting that this is the second time in the past few days this card has appeared for me – once upright and once reversed. So that tells me it is trying to give me a message which I haven’t fully comprehended yet. I have been reading books about dreamwork and lucid dreaming. I get the sense that this card is addressing that interest. I think it’s offering me a message of support and encouragement; showing that I can dive into the waters of my unconscious without fear or dread. For many years I have only remember dreams that were rather terrifying – such as being surrounded and overwhelmed by zombies. I’m sure I have other dreams but remembering them has been tricky for me.
I’d like to pursue dreamwork further both from an internal, self-healing perspective and from a shamanic perspective. I realize that I’ve ignored my shamanic work for a number of years and now might be the right time to pursue it further. Dreamwork is a part of that exploration for me. I think the King of Cups reversed is reminding me that I need to nurture, counsel and heal myself as well as trying to offer healing to others. As the proverb says, “Physician, heal thyself”. I think part of the healing process for me is diving deep into my unconscious, via dreamwork, and exploring what awaits. The King of Cups is offering to be my companion, guide and protector on this journey. And the Shadow of Cups is a reminder that sometimes in dreams it is better to surrender and see where it leads and what can be uncovered rather than struggle to free myself and end up awake and unaware.