So, since my husband died I find myself trying to speak with him every night before I fall asleep. I ask him to give me some kind of sign that he’s still with me in some way and I’ve never gotten one. It frustrated me because I believe in the afterlife and in the soul traveling to the Otherworld after death; and I felt like I was being cheated. I was rather angry about it. It was bad enough that he died on me but now I had no connection, no sense that he was still there at all. Until the other night.
I dreamed I was in my house, not a house I have ever actually owned but I knew it was my house. I also knew that my husband was there. I’m not sure how I knew this because I couldn’t see or hear him, but I was sure he was there. I was getting ready for something but I don’t know what. Then I heard footsteps walking through the house and knew that it was John coming my way. He finally stood in the doorway where I could see him. I took one look at him and turned away towards the wall screaming in horror. I was so terrified that I woke myself up and began sobbing. The figure I saw standing in the doorway bore almost no resemblance to my husband and in fact reminded me more of a Frankenstein type monster. I was shaken by this dream for days afterwards.
So, I processed this dream the way I process anything that bothers me – I did a tarot reading. Using Sasha Graham’s Haunted House Tarot, I pulled 3 cards:
What is the dream telling me? Knight of Wands Rx
Why did my husband appear that way? The Wheel of Fortune Rx
What terrified me? Justice
After looking at these cards, this is my interpretation of this reading. The first sentence that popped in my head upon seeing the reversed Knight of Wands is from the original Planet of the Apes movie. Dr. Zaius warns Taylor to be careful what he looks for because he might not like what he finds. I think that’s what this card is showing me. I’m trying to reach out beyond the veil for some type of reassurance from my husband but now might not be the time for that. What I discover might be more disturbing than I’m ready to handle. I have no idea how time flows in the afterlife or how a human soul processes transitioning to that level. Perhaps the living aren’t supposed to know these things or at least I’m not supposed to at this time.
The reversed Wheel of Fortune tells me that John appeared the way he did because he’s not finished transitioning yet. He hasn’t fully adapted to his new reality and so he looks like an unfinished science experiment. At the same time I can’t help but feel touched and reassured that despite this he still reached out to reassure me because he always tried to do that.
Justice was a little trickier for me to interpret. It wasn’t until I looked at the actual image on the card that a connection was made. The dream terrified me because if I had been able to fully connect to my deceased husband I think it would have thrown me off balance; so off balance that there would have been psychological and physical health repercussions. The female figure in the forefront of the Justice card looks like an old fashioned nurse. This makes me think that as things are right now my health would be endangered and that’s what terrified me. My soul was protecting itself.
When I first woke up from the stream I was so upset and disturbed. It really shook me. However, upon further reflection it has calmed me and helped me move forward in my grieving process. I realize now it’s not that my husband doesn’t want to connect with me; it’s just not advisable right now. Just knowing that he was willing to make the attempt, even if it wasn’t ultimately in either of our best interests, is reassuring and reminds me how much he loved me. I know now that I will reconnect with him someday; if not in this life then in the next. That makes me feel lighter.
Well, two days in a row – a new record for me. Once again I decided to simply ask my guides/guardians for insight and guidance. I drew these three cards:
They suggest that there is a lot hidden beneath the surface that is being circled around but not addressed. There will be new growth and prosperity after this has moved on because that is the nature of things. The cycle will once again begin working its way upwards, however that doesn’t mean the danger is over.
As I reviewed this reading, I realized this could refer to the changes taking places in families right now. Social media is filled with posts if parents and children building stronger relationships due to forced social distancing. We’re mandated to slow down and some are using this opportunity to reconnect with their families; learning to appreciate the often thankless responsibilities teacher handle every day.
Maybe the growth and changes will be in how we interact with each other moving forward. Consider all those familial issues we were able to ignore before. We treaded water rather than diving down to find their origins. This might be our chance to root out the weeds and allow more healthy, nurtured, nourished relationships to bloom forth. Of course, we might also learn that in some instances things are unsalvageable. Although that may prove painful to accept, it will also provide an opportunity to cut away what is rotted and festering and allow a healthier life and relationships in the future.
Growth and change can be scary but they can also provide opportunities for healing and growth. Only we can decide how to handle it.
How are you feeling trapped? How did you get to this point? What is your next step?
I trapped myself into believing I would always be a student, never confident enough to practice or teach. Instead, I convince myself I still have more to learn. I don’t have faith in my skills and knowledge, too afraid to put myself out there.
I don’t value or nurture my own intellect. Instead I pretend I have nothing new to offer. Instead of trying to share my unique insights and thoughts and communicating them to interested parties, I downplay it; denigrate it; treat it as if it’s nothing special.
My next step is to change these things. To paraphrase line from Mad Max:. Beyond Thunderdome, I need to break a deal and spin the wheel. I need to break free from this mindset that undermines my confidence and prevents me from recognizing my gifts. I need to create magick in my life; break the curse under which I’ve placed myself. No one else can do it for me.
How are you stuck? What can you do to free yourself?
I’m stuck because I’m afraid to trust my intuition, my instincts; fearful of going through that doorway and facing who I am and who I am meant to be. It’s as though I know there is knowledge and wisdom available for me to use on the other side of that door but I’m reluctant to explore it.
Change. The only thing that can free me is change. Rather than being a passive participant in my own life, waiting for Fate to determine what happens next, I need to grab that damned wheel and spin it. I need to be a true witch and be the change I want to see in my life. Whatever I want to become next, will be determined by my actions now. Hesitating serves no purpose; faintheartedness won’t produce the future I desire. So I need to decide what my destination will be and plot the route to get me there.
Changes are coming that may lead to a shift in mindset; a reassessment of where you are and where you want to be.
No matter how hard you try, you can’t escape change (trust me, I’ve tried). The best option is to try to prepare for it as best you can. Make plans so that you can get ahead of it. Consider different potential scenarios so that you can be ready to handle them. Just remember that fleeing willy-nilly is probably not the best solution.
As David Bowie once sang about changes “turn and face the strange”. Trying to escape or protect yourself from change inevitably produces failure. Instead of running away from change, try embracing it, celebrating it and seeing where it leads you.
Are you being The Fool or just a fool in your life right now? Be careful and think about the answer because what goes around, comes around. If what you are sending out is self-serving drivel, then expect the payback to be equally pointless.
You may be afraid to take that leap, start along that path to the unknown, but look at the Dharma Wheel. It looks the same whether upright or reversal. So what may seem like a low point in your life may prove, in hindsight, to be just the opposite. Trust in the journey and your life path.
You may feel as though you have nothing; that everything has been stripped from you. That may be true at this time but it can also mean that you carry less of a burden and can start down a new path unencumbered. You don’t have to drag the weight of past disappointments, others’ expectations or perceived obligations with you. Life is full of cycles and we can’t prevent them only learn how to bend and shift with them.
Change is inevitable but there are ways to maintain your equilibrium during transitions. Even if you stumble, don’t let it stop you from trying again.
Things are well-balanced in your life right now. You have learned how to listen to your inner music and still meet outer expectations and responsibilities. Just remember things change; the wheel turns. Don’t let these changes throw you off course.
You know what you want to manifest in your life; know the dreams you want to become reality. It will require a delicate partnership between you and others in your life as well as between what needs to be done and what you’d like to do. It will take a slow steady walk, not a sprint, to achieve those goals.
Blue Rose Tarot Created by Paula Gibby Published by Soul Guidance
The Book says: Notice first, the spinning of the two wheels. The horizontal wheel, symbolized by the carnival merry-go-round, represents a concept discussed earlier; that of “being in a rut”, always ending up where one had begun. Never accomplishing anything. See how the horses speed along, their figures blurred with the flurry of motion. Poles deeply driven into their backs, these horses are controlled by the Wheel. They do not understand the workings of the Wheel and so they are mindlessly driven by it. The vertical wheel, symbolized by the Ferris wheel, symbolizes life’s “ups and downs”. No sooner do we feel on top of the world, than we are down in the depths once again. The vertical wheel also represents that feeling of vertigo and lurching of the stomach that can accompany the rapid ascents and descents. The clues to riding the Wheel are represented in the last two images. First, notice the acrobat, balancing carefully upon one hand in the center of the merry-go-round. Her body is a picture of constant and careful balance. Acrobats spend years learning their craft. They constantly stretch their bodies, maintaining flexibility, all the while performing tiny, almost imperceptible adjustments in order to maintain their balance. This is to say nothing of the intense conditioning of an acrobat’s inner state of being. In order to achieve perfect balance, one must achieve total harmony of mind, spirit and body. As with anything, the more one practices a craft, the more perfected it becomes. But it always requires serious work and the utmost application of years of skill. The final clue lies in the final image; that of the lovely face of the acrobat. Notice how it looms over the Wheels. This image symbolizes the inner spirit. The light of the Hermit turned outward, placing the Wheel and its purpose into its proper perspective. In this tiny acrobat, we see the perfect blending of inner spirit working actively with the material body. Both work in concert. Body and spirit. And by bringing his own dual nature into harmony, a Fool can begin to make his way slowly and carefully from the outer perimeter to the very center of it all. And ride the Wheel. TarotBroad’s Buzz: This card is a reminder that the gods have a sense of humor and sometimes set things up so that our view of life gets turned upside down. Sometimes we need to hit the bottom before we can appreciate the view from the top. But it also suggests that there are moments when we feel so dizzy and spun around that we’re not sure what direction we’re going. We may not realize that we are spinning our wheels in place – just digging a deeper rut but not moving anywhere. I think many of us have experienced this in our lives. We think we are moving but we are really spinning in a circle. There is movement but no progress. But there is an overall divine guidance to it all. The acrobat is us – balancing carefully on one hand, trying to avoid falling over. But it’s also a reminder that we can’t do this forever. No one has perfect balance forever. We must eventually tire and lose it. No one was meant to stay on top forever. Professional athletes can only be at the top of their game for so long before their bodies can’t handle it anymore. Celebrities come and go, sometimes returning to the top only to slip back into obscurity once again. And what was once seen as the pinnacle is often overshadowed by new developments – we see this all the time with technology. What is top of the line in computers is quickly supplanted by the new “hottest thing”. It is easy to get caught up in these frenzy if we are not able to take a step back and realize that the minute we give in, something changes and we are once again kicked from the top spot. And the serene, slightly, amused woman watching over it all reminds me of Kwan Yin, Chinese goddess of compassion. I get the feeling that if we lose our balance or find the spinning is making us sick, she will catch us and gently lower us to the ground. And of course this song brings to mind that Byrds classic “Turn, Turn, Turn” based on a passage from Ecclesiastes. How true it is that “to everything turn, turn, turn, there is a season. . . and a time for every purpose under heaven”. In today’s world it is so easy to lose sight of that. But the Wheel brings us back to our center and allows us to remember not to get so caught up in the spinning and twirling that we lose sight of the purpose behind it – the genuine need for things to change and allow the cycle to continue.