So my guides for today are the loa of the cemetery and a barbed woman. That doesn’t sound especially helpful or hopeful, at least not initially. Upon further reflection (and if this deck does nothing else it encourages further and further reflection) it occurred to me that these powerful, somewhat frightening figures of the darkly divine feminine offer interesting insights.
The Hag of Fire, Maman Brigitte sits upon a headstone with a rooster at her feet. She stares at a flame that dances above her skeletal finger. She is reversed today suggesting that whatever issue she is addressing is within me, possibly something from my past. Considering the other messages and issues I’ve gotten from other readings from this deck, I’m guessing it’s a combination of the two; a revisiting of childhood issues that have not been resolved. I get the sense that I need to dig up this grave upon which Maman Brigitte perches. I need to strip away the burial shroud and reveal the bones of the issue.
When I first read Harionago means “barbed woman” I thought it appropriate and even chuckled a bit. After all even on my best day that term could be used to describe me. I also can appreciate a woman who stings men who laugh at her (then again I’m a Medea aficionado too). In fact I have a feeling that to some who knew me as a teen, I might very well have embodied Harionago. I was sharp tongued and very quick to sting anyone who insulted or hurt me in any way. I was an open nerve sensitive to the least little insult. Unfortunately the victims of these stings were often not truly the cause of this sensitivity and defensiveness.
Looking at these two figures in combination it struck me that what I need to get to the bottom of, to bare the bones of, is not only what happened to me but what I did to others as a result of this abuse. There are people I hurt while trying to deal with what was going on in my life. I think sometimes what I find it difficult to accept is what I did to others. I understand that what was done to me was not my fault and there was nothing I could do to influence, control or stop it. However I hate that because my head was so screwed up and my priorities so out of whack, I damaged others. That’s the sore spot that has never healed.
So moving forward I need to look at how I can make amends. Some of the issues are stupid “kid stuff” and n many cases I have apologized but I’m not sure how sincere I was or if I fully understood the potential harm I caused these folks. It’s all well and good to say I’m not really responsible because my psyche was damaged and didn’t appreciate the pain it inflicted on others; the victim became a bully in some ways. That’s all well and good but it’s also a bit self-serving. If that is what is bothering me then I need to find the way to heal the situation so I can live with myself. I don’t want to be a barbed woman anymore. I want to be able to face the skeletons in my past and feel that I’ve done my best to put them to rest.