Today I drew Justice/Mirror of Reflection.  Quite an interesting and rather intense pair, if I say so myself.  In both I get the sense that it’s time to take a long hard look at myself and my behaviors and choices and see the truth.  I need to take stock and see if I’m being balance and just in my life.  That sounds a bit ephemeral and esoteric but put in plain language I need to call myself on my bullshit.

I’m actually fairly accomplished at recognizing and claiming my bullshit.  Where I fall short is actually making the changes necessary to reduce the bullshit.  The bottom line is that my own mishegas doesn’t always bother me.  When I realize that it’s causing problems I may finally take the necessary steps to make changes but until them I often procrastinate.  It’s not that I don’t know changes need to be made, it’s that I’m often lazy and in a rut.  I’m like Milo in the children’s classic The Phantom Tollbooth but Norton Juster – I’m stuck in the doldrums.

I know it’s time to look in that mirror and clearly see what reflects back to me.  It’s not about judging or enabling myself (sometimes I’m much too accomplished at both), it’s about acknowledging so that I can make the changes I need to make.  It’s about taking up Justice’s sword and scales, weighing my current choices and behaviors and cutting away those that no longer benefit me or will benefit me in the long-term.  I know what I should do and I think it’s time to actually start doing it.

It’s one of my biggest frustrations with myself and one area in which I can be extremely harsh and judgmental towards myself too.  I know what steps will improve my health, help me lose weight and reduce stress in my life.  Rather than do these things I keep finding books and articles and reading about what to do.  I could fill a library with the various self-help books I’ve read and the bottom line is that I already know the things they all proclaim will improve my life.  I am smart, well-educated and capable of researching topics when necessary yet I repeat the same pointless behaviors over and over.  It’s as though deep in my soul I don’t believe I deserve good health.

I have joked that I have reverse anorexia because when I look in the mirror I see a slim woman not the real me.  The truth is that I don’t actually see myself at all.  It’s as though I’m looking at a photo of someone else or not even registering the true image being reflected back.  Have you ever walked past a mirror or window and caught a glimpse of someone out of the corner of your eye?  You think – who is that fat person?  And then you realize it’s you and your heart sinks.  I’ve done that.  In fact sometimes it so demoralized me that I want to go home and never come out again.  Luckily the memory fades and I’m able to face the world without panic.  However the reality is that it’s rare for me to truly see myself for who I am.  I think these cards are calling me on that trait and telling me it’s time to do right by myself and make those changes.  If not, I may very well find myself dealing with health issues I never anticipated or assumed would never happen to me.  If I don’t take those steps now I’ll pay that price later.