Whoa! Powerful stuff, especially considering that I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about my health and my choices in that area. Again, it boils down to a matter of knowledge and intelligent choices versus laziness and sloth. I know what I should do and yet I don’t do it. That makes me wonder why? What is it about me that makes me act as though I don’t deserve to be healthy; deserve to live? The bottom line is that I am well aware that if I don’t make changes to my eating habits, exercise patterns and general well-being then it’s likely I’ll end up with health complications or even an early grave. I’m not trying to be melodramatic – I genuinely believe that if I don’t change my future is likely to include increased medication and some hospitalizations due to complications from diabetes.

I’m growing frustrating and angry with myself. Why can’t I control this? I’m an intelligent, knowledgeable person. Gods know I’ve studied various eating plans ranging from low-fat to the Zone to South Beach to low-carb and now Paleo. To be perfectly honest all have their good points but the lower carb diets seem to work better for me. I’ve seen the results – my blood sugars are better regulated, my health indicators (cholesterol, triglycerides, etc.) improve and my weight drops. I know all these things and still I cling to bad habits and a sweet jones that makes heroin addiction look mild. I feel like such a failure, and an ass.

Of course that in turn triggers enjoyable bouts of self-loathing and hatred. These feelings never seem to last long (although I suppose that’s not a bad thing) but they leave their lingering impact. I can even justify it be rationalizing that eating wheat creates an additive need for more wheat, but I already know this so why eat the wheat in the first place? It’s not like I don’t have resources to help me find substitutes. Instead what I find are excuses. If there is one thing I am an expert at it’s rationalization and intellectualizing. I can come up with dozens of reasonable, realistic and logical explanations for these behaviors but at the end of the day that means little.

So coming back to my cards for today – I think both are reminding me that I am moving closer to a place where I can begin to heal myself and gain more of a sense of mastery over my mental processes. I need to take a more logical, rational approach to this and stop letting old emotional scripts and behaviors trip me up. And when they do trip me up I need to learn to pick myself up, brush myself off and keep going not let it become and complete derailment. I need to find support to keep me on the right track and not well-meaning friends and family who help me enable. Not that I’m trying to blame this on anyone else, it’s my issue and my problem.

I think the Sage of Health is also reminding me that once I am able to heal myself I may find myself better able to help others. This is a challenging battle because unlike other addictive substances, you can’t give up eating cold turkey. I think both these cards are reminding me that I can’t force myself or strong-arm myself into these changes. I have to change my thinking patterns, my concepts and my beliefs about myself. No small task and not an easy one to do. In order to do that I need to also be a bit kinder, less harsh and judgmental towards myself. It’s so easy to be supportive to a friend or family member, why not me too? I have to remember this is a long term process. It won’t be easy and it may not be fun but it can be achieved. I can heal myself. I know I can and the Universe is telling me I can with these Tarot cards.