Three is a charm I guess because this is the third time this month that this card has made an appearance as my card of the day.  So I’m guessing that there is still some aspect of this message I need to hear.  Actually considering some of the options it can suggest, I have a feeling that it’s telling me the status quo on my financial situation is going to change and I need to take some steps to make sure they’re not moving in a negative direction.  Right now we are okay as long as nothing major occurs to shift the balance.  Not the most comfortable place in the world to be but tolerable.  I think we’re both getting tired of tolerable.

I was really having a hard time understanding this card’s message today.  I was in a fairly lousy rather self-pitying mood and I think it was blocking my brainwaves.  Try as I might I was drawing a blank while looking at this card.  In some ways I felt like the 10 drums on the Wheel of Change 10 of Disks were preventing me from getting the message.  They were blocking my path and I was getting a “can’t see the forest for the trees” sensation.  I finally grew desperate enough to seek the answer in one of the many books I’ve managed to accumulate over the years.  While each one had some useful insight or interpretation, none felt right to me.  Then I realized that they all shared a common theme which had been eluding me – this is the happy family card.  The 10 of Pentacles represents how the family is the core of lives and the basis of what we do – for good or for ill.

This stopped me in my tracks.  I often bemoan the fact that I’ve been put into a situation where I am the primary caregiver for an elderly and frail mother-in-law.  To say that this is not a happy situation for any of us would be an understatement.  My mom-in-law may have her bad days but on her good ones she’s lucid enough to realize how dependent she’s become and it distresses her deeply.  This was an fiercely independent and tough old broad who never liked relying on anyone but her mother and sister, both of whom are now gone.  She was proud of the fact that she dealt with her handicapped son (now almost 54 years old) without assistance.  Now it’s all beyond her.  She is barely able to care for herself let alone her son.  And I can admit that part of me is deeply resentful for being put in this position.  I’ve never, ever wanted to be someone’s mother and in many ways that’s what I’ve become in this situation.  It rankles.

However what this card hit me between the eyes with is that fact that we are lucky in many ways for having this strong family tie.  At least we are able to be there for my mom-in-law and brother-in-law.  It’s exhausting and frustrating but I hate to think of them being institutionalized and that’s what would happen if we weren’t here.  I am also very lucky because my family has often offered to help out if needed.  In fact I think it makes my mother’s day to feel needed.  We’ve also been blessed by friends who are there for us and try to help whenever possible.  In the long run, this experience is still frustrating, exhausting and relentless but at least focusing on some of the positive aspects eases the pain a bit.