Tag Archives: Guilt

Week 21 – The Show Must Go On Spread  (#TarotReading #SlavicLegendsTarot #52WeekProject)

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Where have I wasted time?  7 of Swords Rx – I wasted time reclaiming my autonomy and freedom. I allowed external forces to determine how I spent my time and now I need to reclaim that power. I also need to fully accept that this is the right path to take. Part of the reason I let things go on as long as I did was because I felt obligated to care for my brother-in-law and guilty at the idea of having him removed from what has been his home. I need to remember that, as I’ve mentioned to several friends, I’m the sanitation worker cleaning up after the parade. I had nothing to do with deciding the parade route or who would be marching in the parade but I’m left cleaning up the crap after everyone’s gone. Discard is telling me it’s time to get over that mindset.

What walls need to be torn down to let me out?  3 of Wands – I need to stop being an observer in my own life and realize these agencies helping my brother-in-law aren’t working on this project with me. This isn’t a collaboration between us. They’re using me as a tool and keeping me stuck on that pier because it suits their purposes. There’s no malice behind this, but I need to break free and take a more active role in creating the life I want.

What will help me escape?  Queen of Cups Rx – I need to love myself more and protect my heart. It’s time to get more in touch with my inner emotional landscape and not let my feelings be used against me. On several occasions the agencies trying to find a residence for my brother-in-law have tried using guilt to get me to do things. I need to be aware when this happens and not succumb to it.

What if I let the show go on?   King of Coins Rx – If I let the show go on I will be broke both financially and physically. I’m putting my physical and financial well-being at risk because I’m trying to work with the social service agencies trying to help my brother-in-law. I think with this card is reminding me is that I need to be careful not to overextend myself. I can only do what I can do.

7 of Swords Rx, 3 of Wands, Queen of Cups Rx & King of Coins Rx – The Slavic Legends Tarot

One other thing that I found very interesting about this reading is that I drew a card from each of the four minor suits. This suggests to me that, overall, dealing with this situation is going to require balance between the various aspects of myself but that this isn’t a big picture issue. There’s no overarching life lesson that needs to be learned. It’s simply a day-to-day issue and I need to approach it in a calm, grounded and loving way. What I need to keep uppermost in my mind is that I need to treat myself the same way as the others involved in this.

Even with limited options, it’s important to nurture and care for yourself – Page of Cups + 7 of Cups R (Housewives Tarot)

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Housewives Page of Cups Housewives 7 of Cups

 

I started using the Housewives Tarot yesterday (the Full Moon was Sunday and I decided it was time to swap decks).  I thought the Housewives would be appropriate because we’re nearing Thanksgiving and it seems to fit the feel of tradition and home that permeates the air.

Today I drew the Page of Cups which shows a small boy with a big grin watering flowers that bear the faces of older people.  The book talks about tending our emotional relationships and nurturing them.  In this case I think the Page of Cups is reminding me that if I don’t tend to such matters – nourishing and watering the relationships I value in my life, then I’ll find myself much poorer for the experience.

The 7 of Cups reversed shows a well dressed woman pondering seven cocktail glasses that are arrayed before her.  She seems to be considering her decision – which drink will she choose?  This card reminds me that I don’t have a lot of choices right now.  And the ones I do have are not as tempting as which cocktail I’d like to try.  I think it’s showing me that I need to think before making a choice, especially because the options are very limited.

Together I see a bigger message from these two cards.  The Page of Cups is letting me know that even if my choices are limited, I still do have  some options.  Or perhaps what the 7 of Cups reversed is telling me is that I FEEL as though I have no options but that may not be the case.  Perhaps what the message of these combined cards is that I have some choices (no matter how I feel right now) and I need to cultivate, tend and nurture them so that they will expand and provide even more options.  Even little seeds can grow into big trees if the conditions are right.

It’s also just as important for me to tend to my own emotional needs.  As I’m sure it is for many caregivers, I’m finding it gets easier and easier to put my desires and needs aside to care for someone else.  Part of me hates doing that (I have a well-developed selfish streak) but with things as they are right now it’s unavoidable.  So even if I don’t have a lot of options available to nourish and nurture my emotional side (all those lovely cocktail glasses) that doesn’t mean I should ignore it altogether.  I need to do what I can to sustain and tend to my needs too.  A challenge but one I’m sure I’ll eventually figure out.

What the hell was I thinking?

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This card combined with the Knight of Cups earlier this week forced me to reassess and reconsider the way I’ve been living lately.  The first thought that struck me when I saw this card is that I need to remember who I am!  I’ve always identified with the Queen of Wands.  I have a lot of fiery energy in my personality and my birth chart, sometimes to a fault.  Lately, as a result of various family obligations and lifestyle issues, I have been tamping down all that fiery energy.  When one is caring for an elderly relative, that aggressive, assertive energy is overwhelming and misplaced.  It called for a gentler more nurturing approach.  On the one hand that is wonderful because it has provided me with an opportunity to more fully explore my inner Queen of Cups and we have come to a cordial detente.  She and I  will probably never be bosom buddies but at least I can allow her energy in my life without the negative reactions I’ve experienced in the past.  Unfortunately my inner Queens of Wands and Swords have been virtually neglected and unappreciated.  Seeing the Queen of Wands come up for me today brought all of this into my consciousness.

Seeing the Knight of Cups on Wednesday reminded me that I’ve been searching for something that will allow me to unleash some of my energy and fulfill me on an emotional level.  My first reaction when looking at the Wormweird Knight of Cups was that I should be careful not to drown my sorrows in a bottle, which is certainly a family tendency.  I have been rather cautious about drinking simple because if something goes wrong I want to be able to handle it without the added burden of being hung over.  Unfortunately that has also caused me to avoid friends and situations that might involve drinking – oh hell I’ve avoided most socializing in general.  I’m isolating myself and that’s not healthy.  I think the Knight of Cups is reminding me that I need to seek out my own emotional supports.  I need to find friends that can help me deal with my own frustrations during this time.

Like many stay-at-home mothers, I’ve lost sight of myself – my needs, my interests and my desires, because I put the needs of someone else ahead of my own.  It is certainly a noble sentiment but what happens when the person for whom you are caring no longer needs your care?  You are left feeling hollow and empty with no idea of who you are anymore.  I think there is a serious risk in wrapping your whole life around someone else’s needs or to your profession because if the situation changes and that focus is gone, we risk becoming lost and drifting.  We forget what our goals were and what we dreamed of achieving in our lives.  I don’t want to let that happen to me.  In order to avoid it, I need to take more concrete steps to take back my life – even if it’s only for 2 days a week.  I am entitled to it and I deserve it.  There is nothing wrong in occasionally being a bit selfish and claiming time to attend to your own needs.  I lost sight of this fact for a while but now I’m changing that pattern.

COTD – Judgment R (Fenestra & Dante)

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Traditionally Judgment represents a time of returning to the light after experiencing the darkness.  It is a card of rebirth, renewal and rejuvenation; of healing and transformation.  It can also be seen as a wake-up call telling us that our perspective on life is about to change and wake us up to new ways of looking at things.   It may represent experiencing natural growth and maturation; an old phase of your life ending because you are ready and mature enough to move forward.  Things are maturing at their natural pace and now you are transitioning into a new phase of your life so it’s time to celebrate.

“Negative:  The things that are naturally growing and maturing are not to your advantage.  You may feel like you want to slow things down or speed them up – the natural or normal progression of things is just not right for you.  If you let things develop at their own pace and in their own style, you probably won’t be pleased with the results.
Reversed:  Your personal biological or psychological timing mechanisms are signalling a new phase in your life.  You may be reaching puberty or getting gray hairs.  You could be growing up on an emotional level.  You’re recognizing that you’re experiencing a personal rite of passage.” – Gail Fairfield

Dante LWB:  “Archangels.  Renewal.  Awakening.  Recovered energy.  Healing.  Birth.”

How fascinating that I drew this card today of all days – the supposed end of the world.  I have to assume that whatever else this card is trying to tell me, at least one of its messages is that today is not Judgment Day.  Maybe what is really being judged is our own sense of entitlement regarding who will and won’t be “saved” as well as our hidden guilt and shame.  No matter how often we claim that we have nothing to fear, those little demons inside our heads will haunt us and prey on our feelings of self-worth.  They torture and judge us much more effectively than any celestial judge or coven of devils.

Looking at both images it is apparent that they share certain similarities – the celestial figure (the Archangel Gabriel?) blowing his/her horn and the bodies or spirits rising up from the ground in response.  It certainly expresses a theme of redemption and salvation prevalent through Judeo-Christian-Muslim theology.  However on the Dante card there are three celestial figures – the archangel blowing the horn, one holding a scroll with the words “Anima Dvertes” inscribed on it and a third crowned figure holding an orb and an upright sword.  It appears that one wakes the souls, one judges the souls and one carries out the sentence.  The souls below seem to be pleading and begging with these celestial figures, as though they fear they will be judged guilty of something and denied salvation and paradise.  Despite the flowing, dream-like quality of this image it give a sense of harshness lacking in the Fenestra card.

I have to admit that due to all the hoopla surrounding today and the “end of the world” theories, I’m viewing this card as a bit more global in nature than would usually be my wont.  Both cards suggest that there is a new phase that needs to happen but it isn’t ready to manifest itself just yet.  Our judgment (or the judgment of ourselves) is postponed for a while.  However this can still serve as an opportunity to review our actions and decisions and see where we can make things better.  Instead of waiting until things are too far gone or it is too late, we can take this opportunity to move forward in a more positive and beneficial manner.

In order for healing and renewal to occur, we need to be open to those energies.  We can’t open ourselves to healing if we deny there is anything wrong.  How many times have you been diagnosed with an illness that is not immediately life-threatening (such as Type II diabetes, or some type of food allergy) and instead of making changes in your life, you chose to ignore it.  As a result your health continued to deteriorate and you were prescribed more and more medications.  Eventually you might have developed additional health issues – a heart condition or deteriorating eyesight; things which could have been avoided had you taken the proper steps from the outset.  We are creatures of habit and changing those habits, even when we know it’s in our best interests, is hard.  Things are also complicated by the fact that we don’t know who to believe or what information to trust.  Too often in the past we’ve supported someone’s agenda only to learn they were deliberately skewing the facts.  All of this increases our cynicism and makes us less open to changes and the potential for healing and renewing our lives.

The bottom line is that we are the only ones who can take responsibility for our choices and our lives.  The government can try to legislate such matters as much as they want (such as the idea to tax sugary drinks that is gaining popularity in New York) but the reality is that it won’t change people’s minds or behaviors.  Trying to force people to change tends to make them become more intractable and married to their beliefs.  Maybe the only thing we can really change is our own behaviors.  By choosing to live in a sensible, healthy and positive way perhaps we can serve as examples for others and lead them into making better choices too.  I have to admit that I am one of those people who resists and resents being told what to do even when my brain realizes it’s a good idea.  Trying to force me to make those changes just makes me dig in my heels and resist with all my might.  However when I’ve been around people who quietly and simply live their lives in a positive way, I tend to get inspired.  I’m not talking about folks who love to brag about driving a Prius while they play with their iPhone, laptop and other electronic gizmos and can’t wait to get the latest upgrade (you know the one’s who contribute to what South Park terms “Smug”).  Anyway, enough of the soapbox.

So I think what Judgment reversed is trying to remind us all is that we have to be able to withstand the judgment of our own conscience; that voice of our inner critic.  For the most part, humans are very well aware of when we are behaving in a negative and unhealthy manner – whether it’s for ourselves or for the world.  We just allow ourselves to rationalize the guilt away.  For today, perhaps we need to be a little less rational and trust our instincts more.  We need to sit with that inner guilt and come up with a way to move forward and live our lives in a manner that won’t generate more guilt.  That’s probably the best way to quiet those inner critics and reduce our fear of being judged before some celestial court.