COTD – Ace of Wands R (Dreams & Ferret)

 

 

Aces symbolize beginnings, the start of something new and the seed of new growth.  Wands are associated with inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the “spark of life”, and the element of fire.  Skill; creation; the beginning of a project, enterprise, idea, or invention.  Enthusiasm; initiative; energy; the joy of life; sexual vigor; conception; a journey  Reversed:  A false or bad start; criticizing or not using one’s potential; journey deferred; delays and difficulties; failure of an enterprise.

“You sense the potential for creating a new self-image of self-concept.  You can privately name yourself in a new way.” – Gail Fairfield

Reversed – another reversed card.  I’m getting the sense that the Tarot is telling me I’ve got a lot of blocked energy in my life.  The images on the Tarot of Dreams Ace of Wands shows a volcano erupting, suggesting creative energy being unleashed and flowing over the landscape.  Am I that volcano?  Could I be?  Can I glow and shine like the crystal atop the wands, sending my radiance and energy out into the world to help others?  I can feel a part of me, buried very deep for many years, straining to break free; thrilled and excited at the very idea of being that kind of a beacon.  At the same time, a lot of responsibility can come with that.  I think of how many people who put themselves out there as leaders or teachers become targets.  It’s as though we mistrust and dislike anyone who knows more or seems “better” than we are.  Unfortunately there has also been a lot of past evidence that supports the belief that those who set themselves up as leaders are often poor role models and hypocrites as well.

The Ferret Ace of Wands shows an adorable ferret holding onto the trunk of a tree and peeking up at its full branches.  She seems to have a mischievous expression on her face as well as some excitement and anticipation.  It’s as though she can’t wait to see what’s at the top of the tree.  When you consider how much energy and light it takes for a tree to grow, it makes you appreciate just what a miracle it is.  Upside down, the image looks like the ferret is getting ready to slide down a pole into the branches of the tree.  It’s almost as if she’s trying to contain herself; holding herself back.

And that makes me wonder how or why am I holding myself back?  There is a lot of fear and uncertainty in me right now and I’m not sure why.  It’s as if the closer I get to realizing some of my personal dreams and desires, the more frightened and skeptical I become.  The inner demons become stronger, more vociferous and vicious.  It’s as if I feel that on some level I don’t deserve to feel fulfilled and satisfied.  Self-doubts and low self-esteem start to crowd out any pride of confidence at my achievements and accomplishments.  No matter what goals I attain, I don’t value them because on some level I believe that if I can achieve this it couldn’t have been that difficult.  Why do I feel things have to be difficult in order to be valuable?  And why don’t I appreciate the value in what I’ve achieved?  Those questions need more than one Tarot card to answer them.

I also realize that right now, my focus is just not in seeking the answers to those questions.  Lately I feel as though I’m in a fog – distracted and disinterested.  I’ve just slipped into a routine that is suffocating me and I’m not sure how to free myself.  I guess the reality is that I can’t free myself right now.  I think the only way to keep my sanity is to find creative outlets for my energies.  I have to force myself passed these fears and self-doubts and unleash that fire and passion.  Otherwise I risk putting that flame out completely.  And I don’t want to douse that fire.  I don’t want to live a life without passion and inspiration.  I don’t want to become a zombie – just going through the motions, mindless and choiceless.  The only one who can do this is me.  If I don’t make some changes now, I risk becoming exactly what I fear most and that would be horrible for me.

COTD – 6 of Wands/Bricks R (Fenestra & Dante)

 

Sixes symbolize the union of opposites, finding equilibrium, harmony in the face of constant change.  Wands are associated with inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the “spark of life”, and the element of fire.

“You’ve met the challenge to your identity and come through it.  Now, the self you’re presenting to the world is more confident and stable.  You feel more secure with your identity and sense of purpose or personal direction.  You’re settling into the groove of being this self.” – Gail Fairfield

Somehow this card seems to tie in with my epiphany of yesterday.  The triumphant procession shown on the Fenestra card suggests that I can triumph over this fear of success and inner demons who enjoy enhancing my self-doubts.  The image on this card shows another figure walking beside the rider but I think because it’s reversed, the card is letting me know that before I can accept or expect accolades from others, I have to be willing to praise myself.  That can be easier said than done.

The Dante 6 of Bricks shows two figures (one male and one female) standing beside a tree with an open book on a podium.  They appear to be plighting their troth to each other or perhaps even getting married.  They are focused on each other and the rest of the world’s distraction are clearing in the background and not intruding.  Perhaps each functions as the inspiration for and ignites the passions of the other.  They create a balance and harmony by combining their two energies that allows them to triumph over the temptations and distractions in the world.

The combination of these two cards suggests that I have to learn to love myself; to find a way to energize my own inspiration and passion before I can move forward.  If I don’t allow myself to appreciate the victories I’ve achieved that how can I expect anyone else to honor them?  That has often been a problem for me.  Anything I do well or that comes easily to me is quickly discounted.  I tend to do well in school and get good grades so that achieving two masters degrees was not a big deal for me.  When others praise these accomplishments, I tend to downplay them.  Doing that send the message to my inner self and to others that I’m not worth praising.  And if I keep that energy surrounding me then I’ll never feel truly victorious at anything.

I have to learn to appreciate the things I am able to do well and accept praise for them. I am worthy of praise and accolades.  Receiving recognition from others will not cause my friends to be jealous or alienate them.  True friends will appreciate my victories too.  That is a childhood fear based on childhood experiences that I have to move passed.  It will trip me up and hold me back until I can release its negative influence on my life.

So in order for me to be more triumphant and victorious on the out plane, I have to learn to be more comfortable with praise and acknowledgement on the inner plane.  To paraphrase Stewie Gilligan Griffin – “Victory shall be mine!”

COTD – 3 of Wands/Bricks R (Fenestra & Dante)

 

The number 3 symbolizes the generative force, creative power, multiplicity, and forward movement.  They are about planning and preparing, putting the details into place before beginning the work.  Wands are usually associated with the element of fire, inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the “spark of life”.  They can refer to the growth and awareness of the self.  Wands are focused on discovering your true self, apart from others.

“You are seeing yourself in a detailed and complete manner.  You are clarifying your self-image and sense of personal direction.  You are making plans for becoming the self you privately want to be.” – Gail Fairfield

The 3 of Bricks from the Dante Tarot shows a male sitting with a woman’s head in his lap.  He seems grieving and upset.  She is stretched out on a bed and holding a lit wand.  Another figure (possibly female) is walking out of the scene.  Her back is to us but I get the sense that she is a healer who is departing after offering little assistance to the figure on the bed.  There is a sense of sadness to this card.  It almost feels as though the woman’s flame is about to flicker out and the male is mourning the loss of her light.  The female figure’s eyes are closed and she is very pale.  It’s as though she is losing her vitality.

The Fenestra 3 of Wands is a more traditional RWS image showing an androgynous figure standing above a waterway looking out towards the horizon.  Three staves stand nearby, each with a top that appears to be flowering.  The figure is holding onto one of the staves.  There is a sense of anticipation and eagerness in the image.  This person appears to be expecting something to appear on the horizon quite soon.

Both cards seem to offer a sense of moving on to a new phase – either a project coming to fruition or passing on to a new plane of existence.  Both are projects although of very different types.  In the Dante 3 of Bricks, I’m not sure which figure is the one that will be transitioning but I get the sense that both the man and woman will be in very different places going forward.  What is flowering for them?  I cannot be sure.  What is flowering for me?  It is hard to narrow that down right now because it is a work in progress.

Right now I am at a place where there are number of different options available to me.  I’ve bid farewell to several activities that had been consuming much of my time and now it’s time for me to focus my energies on my personal projects.  One of them is establishing myself as a Tarot reader.  Of course that means I have to slay my fear of marketing and promoting myself.  Perhaps that is what the figure on the bed in the Dante 3 of Bricks represents for me – that self-doubt and inner fears.  Once I am able to let them die, I can move on and find a way to manifest my passions and dreams  and leave those self-doubts behind (like the white clothed figure leaving the room in the Dante).

Okay, I had to take a break here.  I realized as I was writing the I wasn’t “feeling” this interpretation.  It wasn’t ringing true to me.  It might have been accurate from an intellectual perspective but it wasn’t right for me.  So I decided to do the dishes (I find this very therapeutic).  As I was washing a plate it hit me like a ton of bricks – this card is reflecting my fear of success.  I have the ability to have my projects come to fruition, achieve fulfillment.  However first I have to be willing to actually let them set sail.  I avoid letting anything set sail because I’m so afraid they won’t be successful and I’m even more afraid that they will.  How could I have missed it?

Like many people, I have spent years not fully pursuing my dreams because as long as they remain dreams at least there is the potential for happiness and fulfillment.  If I try and fail, I could probably deal with that because I would rationalize numerous reasons for the failure.  But if I try and succeed, a whole new world gets opened up.  If I succeed there will be a number of changes in my life, many of them leading to potential bliss.  How scary is it to be happy?  I’ve done this to myself on numerous occasions when it comes to my weight.  I have cheated on every “diet” I’ve ever followed.  As long as I stay fat I feel safe.  I don’t have to worry about being attractive or drawing undue and unwanted attention.  Being sexy and attractive in this society can be quite scary.  A lot of men feel they have the right if not obligation to make comments ranging from wolf whistles to frighteningly obscene ones.  My weight became a security blanket.  As a fat woman I didn’t have to worry about this kind of attention.  I used my weight as a political statement of sorts but in reality I was afraid to be sexy and attractive.  Becoming successful in my pursuits raises the same inner demons.

It feels like a relief to finally shed some light on this.  I can acknowledge it and work on it.  It won’t be easy and I’m sure there will be times when I’ll go backwards, but at least I’m feeling ready to address the issue.  There are a lot of reasons I fear being successful – changes being a main one.  I also realize that there is part of me that worries others won’t like me if I’m successful.  In school, being smart and getting good grades tended to alienate people.  As long as I didn’t seem too happy it seemed to reassure folks that I was human.  If I’m smart and successful – then what?  I know that sounds a bit arrogant but if you’ve ever been there (and feel free to fill in another adjective for smart – pretty, artistic, popular, athletic, etc.) you understand what I mean.  If we’re too successful, it tends to trigger jealousy and envy in folks.  And I need to accept that and move forward because those folks aren’t true friends anyway.  My true friends will support me and encourage me to be successful, not try to undermine me and secretly root for my failure.

I will be successful, happy, fulfilled, blessed and blissed out beyond belief.  That is my goal and I’m sticking to it.