#TarotfromtheDarkSide – December 2018 Dark Moon Spread (#BohemianGothic)

What is revealed in the darkness this month?

How can I best work with this energy?

What must I be cautious about during this time?

What serves me about this energy?

Wow, this is very interesting to me. I have been thinking about focusing some of my blog posts on the dark side of Tarot and the human psyche in general, hence the #TarotAfterDark. This reading certainly seems to support this idea.

The reversed 5 of Wands suggests that it’s time to put my creative struggles behind me. I’ve found my niche and now I need to begin exploring it further. All those ghostly self-doubts and inner critic can’t hold me back anymore. It’s time to move beyond those spectral annoyances and explore my new domain.

The Sun – how ironic! I’m in my natural element in the dark; it’s my native milieu. I am a Leo sun sign so this card is even more appropriate and impactful. I have always connected more with solar energies than lunar ones and yet I am also drawn to the darker side of human nature. I love exploring the darkness. I even pursued a masters degree in forensic psychology because I wanted to learn what contributes to some of the less pleasant, more horrific elements of human nature and behavior. Maybe this focus will be my platform to share some of my explorations with other interested parties.

The Queen of Pentacles nudges me to be careful about continuing to care for myself; nurturing my creative energies and manifesting them in ways that don’t exhaust me. I sometimes jump into the deep end and don’t consider long term ramifications or burning out. I think the Queen of Pentacles reminds me to go slowly; be practical about how often I can post and how often I want to post. I want this to be fun and enjoyable not become one more fucking thing I gotta do.

The Star reminds me that this is a way to re-energize my connection to Tarot; an opportunity to further explore the relationship between Tarot cards and the human psyche. The Star also gives me hope that this is doable and may even be another tool in my healing journey. Perhaps (if this isn’t too arrogant) this work will allow me to be a beacon in the dark for others who feel overwhelmed or lost.

Who knows, this may turn out to be totally inaccurate but it makes me feel hopeful and excited and maybe at the end of the day that’s more important.

#TarotDaily _ 4 of Spirals + 2 of Coral Rx (Pholarchos)

His need to possess her consumed him. He hated sharing her time, her attention, her love with others. His emotions were topsy-turvy; he felt as though they were drowning him. The only thing that let him breathe was being with her. Her very presence soothed his heart; calmed his soul. He must make sure she belonged to him, and him alone. No one else must distract her attention from him.

#TarotDaily – Chariot Rx + Devil (Guardian)

TarotHunter’s Salt Rounds:

  • You can move forward in you journey until you’re sure the oath is clear. Right now you’re letting bad choices hold you back.
  • You may believe you can stop your addictive behaviors at any time but your current direction (or lack thereof) suggests otherwise. You can’t steer your course or even trust that you’re moving in the right direction if you can’t even tell you’re not moving.
  • Complaining that you can’t get anywhere in your life when you can’t see the forest for the trees is counterproductive. You can only move out of the shadows when you finally face them and admit they exist. It’s difficult to change things when you don’t admit there is a problem.

#TarotDaily – Knight of Swords + The Devil (Toscano)

TarotHunter’s Silver Bullets:

  • If you really want to free yourself from addictive or unhealthy behaviors then be smart about it. Seek out advice from trusted friends and advisors and listen to them.
  • The only way to truly slay inner demons is to face them head on. Denial and avoidance only allow negative situations to linger and grow stronger. Take up your sword, face the truth and then seek out a path through it.
  • We all have a shadow side, that somewhat frightening and rather unappealing part of our nature. Ignoring it will not weaken or banish it. Instead, try facing it head on. Use your wits and intellect and learn to embrace it rather than letting fear guide you. Made that side of your psyche work for you not against you.

When we carry shame that is not our burden to bear

Okay, deep, dark revelations time – my childhood was pretty dark much of the time. I know I’ve alluded to some things and outright stated others but to say it was a clusterfuck would be an understatement. My family was poor – I mean Mom sold blood for money poor. My parents were underage when I was born (16 & 17) and by the time they were 22 there were four kids. My father was an immature ass and bully for most of his life – at least as far as his family was concerned. We put the “fun” in dysfunctional. Only it really wasn’t funny.

I was battered and bruised physically, emotionally, psychologically and sexually. For many years I believed that this was my fault; that I had done something or said something to bring this on me. Even most of my friends had no idea what went on in my house because who the hell wants to be the freak at that age. All I wanted to do was fit in and believe me that was already difficult enough without all of that shit being exposed. As a result of these experiences, I engaged in some very risky behaviors. I drank a lot! In fact, while in high school I had a few incidences of black out drunks and can’t remember anything. I was smart enough or scared enough not to try drugs more serious than the occasional joint but I took enough risks and chances to ensure that I could have easily become a statistic.

My parents had no clue how to handle me. Even my father, who was quick to beat the crap out of me should he feel the need, didn’t know how to stop me from going in the local bar. One night, after learning that I had been hanging out in the bar (I was about 15 at the time), he brought me back down to “prove” to me why it wasn’t safe. When we walked in my father was greeted by a number of patrons (including some who were rather criminal). When they learned I was his daughter they assured him they’d keep an eye out for me. So, I pointed out to my father that I was probably safer in that bar than anywhere else in the neighborhood. The fact that he accepted my statement and started playing darts rather than outing my true age to the bartender gives you a good idea how clueless he was as a parent.

Why am I bringing all this up? Simple, because one of the epiphanies I had at the 2016 Readers’ Studio is the fact that I was carrying the shame and guilt for events that were not mine to carry. I did nothing wrong. I was blameless in what was done to me. I was a child, powerless and defenseless. Even admitting that now is giving me palpitations. I preferred to take the blame on myself because it gave me the illusion of having some control, some power in this situation. What a load of crap! I was a child. I should have been protected by my parents not needed protection from them. Even as I write this I can feel rage flood through me at how bruised and beaten that poor little girl was. It took me a long time to realize that I was still that bruised, beaten, traumatized little girl.

Those experiences made me feel weak and made me determined never to feel that defenseless and weak again. Instead, I became aggressive – each offense resulted in a physical response. That often mean I got into fist fights with boys I knew. I eventually acquired the nickname “The Nutcracker” because I did not appreciate being groped by adolescent males. Believe me, taking punches from those boys was nowhere near as painful as taking them from my father. I probably would have continued down this path of aggressive, self-destructive behavior and binge drinking but I met my husband. I realize how amazingly lucky I was in meeting the hubby. I was 16 at the time and he was 24. He could have easily controlled and abused me – I was already primed for that kind of relationship. Instead, he defended me, protected me and made me question some of my more self-destructive behaviors. He encouraged me to do things for me not because of the expectations of others.

So here I am at 50 (facing 51) and I’ve finally been able to accept that none of that was my fault (well okay the binge drinking and aggressiveness but I’m giving myself a break because I had poorly developed coping skills). I don’t need to bear any of the shame or blame for those situations. I did not ask to be abused or molested. There was nothing inherently “wrong” with me that drew these types of people to me. Who knows, maybe my light was so bright that they felt jealous and had to dim it, tarnish it in some way. I cannot understand their motivations and no longer care. All I know is that I have shed myself of the blame and shame I carried for years. I feel lighter and more hopeful. I’m a survivor; I’m strong and resilient and I won’t let those experiences define or defeat me anymore.

I embrace the shadowed darkness but flee the brilliant light

Once again, this is something that has been incubating in me since last year’s Readers’ Studio. All three presenters (Heatherleigh Navarre, Barbara Moore & Sasha Graham, who were all amazing!) focused on shadow work. It was an awesome experience because each session managed to enhance and build upon the energy from the other sessions. Quite a lot of magical power was unleashed that weekend. As we worked through the exercises and listened to the presenters I had a bit of an epiphany. I realized that I had no problem working with the darker side of human nature because I’ve been so exposed to it during my lifetime; it’s familiar territory.

I’ve probably hinted or even outright stated this before on this blog, but the fact of the matter is that much of my childhood was exposed to the darker side of human nature. My household was one of alcoholism, abuse (emotional, psychological, physical and sexual) and poverty. Most of my childhood friends came from similar backgrounds. We didn’t realize things were screwed up because this is the way it had always been for us. It’s not until I share tales of our exploits and get horrified looks from listeners that I realize how violent, dark and different my childhood was compared to many others.

I have learned to thrive in darkness, like a flower that blooms at night. It has become my milieu; I am comfortable in its environs. What I tend to avoid is the light, the gentle, the calmer approach to things. While sitting at Readers’ Studio I realize that one of my strengths is that I can help someone find their way through their own darkness. I can embrace and accept this side of their nature and help them work through it and find their way to wholeness. I can serve as the guide across the River Styx but I prefer not to accompany them back to the light. I prefer the shadows. I trust the darkness; I know what to watch for and what to expect. The light is something unfamiliar and untrustworthy. Random acts of kindness and spontaneous acts of generosity make me twitchy and a bit suspicious (something I am working on changing).

This realization also forced me to understand that my ability to endure and survive this experiences does not mean everyone can do so. It doesn’t make those who get lost in the shadows or who fear them weaker than me, simply different. I a bit like a colorblind person who doesn’t miss color because she has never seen them. I don’t miss the light side because it isn’t something I had a lot of experience with growing up. As an adult, I’ve been lucky enough to make friends who have slowly exposed me to the benefits of the light side and I am more grateful to them than words can express but it hasn’t shifted my orientation much.

Maybe in a way, I’m like the Tarot version of a sin eater. I can absorb the darkness or shadow side that others fear so much and help them learn to become more comfortable with it too. Hmm, maybe I’m more like a dark side Brita filter, helping purify the dark side so it’s more fully appreciated.

Let’s face it – there are a lot of folks out there working the light side of the street. They try to convince us that it’s healthier and more positive. In my experience, it’s much healthier to embrace both sides. As Star Trek (yes I love classic Star Trek, Gene Rodenberry was a genius, and I plan to use examples from the show as often as possible) showed, humanity needs its darker side; messier, more violent shadow side. Without it we risk becoming indecisive martyrs, trying to harm none – that’s just not possible. I think we need to accept that every action has consequences, some good and some bad. In some ways, every choice we make has the potential to harm others. That is just how life works. If you are offered a job that means all the other applicants were rejected – someone was harmed. Get over it. Instead of ignoring or denying the shadow side, try working with it a bit. You don’t need to immerse yourself in it but try accepting and acknowledging it and learn what its energy can do for you. I think you’ll be surprised.

Mansions of the Moon Tarot Moon

Mansions of the Moon Tarot

Mansions of the Moon Tarot
ZADOK (dahogue@nctc.net)
Self-Published

The Book says: The three-faced goddess Hecate and her associations with the Moon. The Moon stands for the collective unconscious.

TarotBroad’s Buzz: Here again is an image of a guardian and a guide, but also a sentinel and protector. Hecate is the guardian of the crossroads. She may not tell you which crossroads to take but she may be willing to help you illuminate your options. The presence of Cerberus is both ominous and reassuring. He is a frightening sight to behold and yet one of his tasks is to prevent those who are not ready from entering the Underworld. Perhaps he serves the same function here. If we are not ready to face certain truths that will be revealed during this journey, Cerberus will chase us away from them. Just as Hecate will aid us in our journey – not by being sympathetic and allowing us to turn in fear, but by forcing us to face the truths we avoid and helping us learn how to handle them. She is not a warm and fuzzy type goddess but she can be benevolent and healing.

This card reminds me that sometimes we need to work in the dark, turning over rocks and facing whatever lies beneath. Hiding from the truth doesn’t change it or make it go away, it weakens us. Hecate’s torch can help illuminate some of those shadows and make the unknown just a little less fearsome. To me this card is about looking with the dark center of our heart and facing it. It’s time to do away with self-delusions and the fantasies to which we cling. Now is our opportunity to look that darkness in the face and see what is revealed. Only by going deep within ourselves can we find the truth about who we are.