QotD: How can I feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin?  The Magician
What will challenge or support me in this?  8 if Pentacles Rx

I was watching a YouTube clip of the amazing Kelly Bishop performing “At the Ballet” from A Chorus Line. Watching her burlesque before the singing struck a chord with me. Sheila (Bishop’s character) is brash, ballsy and clearly terrified. She projects a confident, almost arrogant persona which is soon revealed to be a costume; an act. As I watched her I was struck by the thought that’s how I appear to people. I may try to portray myself as cocky and confident with a “don’t give a shit” attitude but the truth is I’m far from that.

I learned to don that persona as an adolescent as a way to protect myself from the teasing and petty cruelties of other children. I won’t say that I was bullied but kids are kids and I was different. I was not good at fitting in simply because it didn’t occur to me. The end result was that I was often teased and mocked which made me defensive and aggressive. Over time I learned to laugh at myself but deep down I’m still that confused child who doesn’t understand how to fit in and why I’m different. So I burlesque; I create a stage persona and don her as needed.

At Readers Studio I’m considered a charter member of the “bad girls’ table” (a term I hate because it implies we’re misbehaving children when in reality we’re simply doing our own thing. I prefer the “wild women’s table but what can you do?). I can often feel myself slip into performance mode when interacting with people I don’t know. I’m uncomfortable in large groups so the protective coating feels necessary. Unfortunately, I also slip into character when I’m with friends. I think sometimes it’s become second nature to play the role. I’ve gotten better at realizing it but it’s still a work in progress. So I decided to ask the Tarot for some tips on working through this.

I had to smile when I saw these two cards appear. The message was at once simple and deep.  The only way I will feel more confident and comfortable in my own skin is if I will it to be so.  I am the Magician of my own reality; creator of my own magic.  The only thing blocking me is me.  All the training, experience and hard work I’ve invested in myself in the past will support me now.  I simply have to remember the lessons I’ve learned and not let the inner demons of self-doubt sidetrack me.  I’m not a child anymore.  All that past petty schoolyard cruelty can’t hurt me anymore unless I allow it.