Passion, excitement, enthusiasm, joy. The other day I realized how absent these emotions have been in my life lately. While chatting with a friend about hobbies it hit me that I haven’t lost myself in any of my hobbies for quite some time. I collect and play with Barbies and similar fashion dolls but I haven’t redressed a doll in over a year. I collect and use Tarot decks but I haven’t really played with my decks the way I once did. I have more books in my TBR pile than I can possibly finish in this lifetime. I have a list of recipes I want to try but instead, default to the same 10 What the hell is wrong with me? I’m not sure but I do have a few ideas.
During the conversation with my friend, I realized that I’ve suppressed my excitement and passion because it became painful. Seeing others who shared my passions being able to explore and enjoy theirs while I was stuck in caregiver mode sucked. It made me envious and bitter so I must have decided on some level that if I didn’t want to become a bitter, bitchy (okay, more bitchy) person then I needed to distance myself from online groups and boards or else my envy would chew me up and spit me out.
Unfortunately, that also meant that I dampened my affect across the board. I stayed in a middle position to avoid letting the negative stuff overwhelm me but it meant I didn’t really enjoy the positive stuff either. I think in clinical terms it might be considered depression. Luckily I realized that it’s a situation depression and not due to anything major. That means I could treat it on my own – because gods forbid I should see help for anything. I’m kinda stubborn that way. I like to blame it on my Capricorn Moon.
So what is my solution? Nothing especially groundbreaking. I made myself a promise that I would consciously choose to engage in some of my hobbies. For example – I re-committed myself to posting my daily Tarot card pulls at least 4 times each week. I promised myself I would post something to my blog once a week. I am determined to journal at least once a week (but preferably more). There are small, simple and doable steps that I know I can achieve. Once I’ve consistently done these for a few weeks I’ll add more or change them. I also want to start reading books on journaling and finding your life purpose but I’m not making that part of this commitment. I have also promised myself that I won’t spend money on hobbies/crafts for which I already have a wide range of materials that I have not used yet (such as my coloring books and composition notebooks).
None of this is especially innovative or mind-blowing. It might not be amazing, impactful or especially transformative for anyone else. For me, this was quite an epiphany. Sometimes it the small wake up calls in life that have the most long-lasting and beneficial results.