For the last two weeks during my card of the day readings I drew the Sun reversed five times. I was using the Sacred Bridges Tarot so the card is title The Daughter and as I looked at the image of a small child sprouting forth from the earth under the benevolent, radiant rays of the sun I was struck by its message. The Sun reversed is telling me that I need to find ways to be the sun in my own life; to find ways to validate myself for what I accomplish.
This is an interesting message because for much of my life my quest was for external validation. In fact I sometimes thing that I pursued the approval of others to such a degree that I sublimated my own desires and dreams. Without conscious thought I shift my priorities to ensure that I would receive the external validation I craved. In elementary and high school I was the kind of student who learned to give the teachers what they wanted from me. I never (or rarely) stirred up controversy (although one time in history class I do recall asking a male teacher why male sluts got societal approval while female sluts were condemned – he has no answer). I sometimes tailored assignments and papers to cater to the teachers’ preferences and egos. I was quite good at it. Don’t get me wrong, I still had to do the work but I can’t say that I blazed any new trails.
Then I met my husband. This man and Bugs Bunny taught me everything I know about being a smart ass ball-buster. So by time I got to college I wasn’t as focused on pleasing the instructors or catering to their preferences but I still craved external validation and approval. I also have an almost overwhelming need to avoid feeling ignorant that just feeds into this pattern. Once I graduated and began working full-time I quickly learned that the way to positive performance evaluations, promotions and raises is by keeping the boss happy. Once again – external validation and approval. This pattern continued throughout my career and proved fairly successful for me.
Now I’m at a phase in my life where external validations, approval and recognition are rare. The only way to feed my ego (and like everyone else’s it does require regular tending and feeding) I need to find alternative, creative ways to validate myself. I can’t rely on positive feedback or even appreciation from any else. The two family members I car for certainly can’t do it. So getting this message (repeatedly) from the Universe got to me (although it did take a while).
Now I just have to remember that I can be my own sun, I can find ways to nurture and encourage myself. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t seek external validation, simply that I don’t need to exclusively rely on them. I just need to remind myself that my opinion counts too. If I feel I’m doing a good job or deserve praise for something, that is just as validating as getting it from someone else. I just need to remind myself that I’m the only one who can truly let the sun go down on me.