“Ceirt, along with h-Úath, is one of the most challenging ogam feda. Its meaning of a rag or a shrub links it in my mind with the practice of tying rags to clootie trees in Ireland and Scotland as an appeal for healing (McManus uses the “shrub” or “bush” definition, while Meroney suggested that the word was translated as “a rag”. I found the connections between both of these suggested meanings useful enough that I have chosen to use both, though Meroney’s definition is probably not correct.). These trees are often found at sacred wells or on fairy mounds, and are significant for being very much associated with Otherworldly beings and energies that can be fickle and unpredictable.

The complex of meanings surrounding this fid often point to intense frustration and even self-destructive activity. When it comes up in a reading, be careful of sudden changes in fortune or capricious individuals. It’s associated with bad luck and with psychological problems, but because of its linked association with clootie trees, there can also be an element of hope to this fid that h-Úath lacks. In divination, it can point to a situation of poverty or illness that is temporary, or to setbacks in a person’s life or situation.

Linked Concepts: Poverty, illness, fleeing, retreat, madness, insanity, ill luck without total loss, psychological issues and problems, the hope for healing from illness or madness.”  (Ogam:  Weaving Word Wisdom by Erynn Rowan Laurie)

After reading these passages, I realize it’s time to face some facts.  Engaging in self-destructive behaviors as a way of dealing with my current situation is pointless and harmful.  It improves nothing.  So I asked the Tarot :What traps me in cycles of self-destruction?”   I drew Cernunnos R, 10 of Wands R + 8 of Swords R (DruidCraft)

Okay, I’m getting it. It’s my own fault. Well fault is too harsh a word but this feeling of being trapped is because of how I’m approaching this situation. I’m limiting myself and binding myself to certain pathways. As a result I am narrowing options that might be available to me. As a result I become frustrated, feel trapped and become self-destructive. The fact that I feel trapped is because I feel certain obligations to carry this burden (10 of Wands R) and I’m doing it the hard way rather than exploring other options or resources that might be available.

I think Cernunnos is reminding me that I am a traditionalist. I like holding to the old ways. In this family, that means the elderly and infirm are cared for within the house. Of course when that was the tradition there was a much larger familiar circle to rely on for assistance. Now it’s all falling on the hubby and me. It’s too much for just too people. Looking at the shadowing horned figured watching over the naked couple sleeping in the forest, I was struck by the sense that I’m being watched and judged by our ancestors and they strip us bare. They can see beneath the platitudes we tell ourselves and see our true feelings; the good and the bad. They know that we’ve done the best that we can. They also know that we are worn out.

The 8 of Swords reversed is telling me that I’m not facing my own bullshit here. If I believe I’m trapped and restrained it’s because I’m not being realistic and seeing things as they are; all the possibilities and permutations out there.

Yesterday a friend pointed out that maybe I keep drawing reversed cards because I’m not really listening to their message. I think she’s right. I’m blowing smoke up my own ass and it’s starting to irritate. If I truly want to change this situation then I need to stop lying to myself about what I think about it and how I’m viewing it. Yes, I can keep going in this same direction. If nothing else, my maternal line are quite good at carrying burdens long past the time when common sense tells you to let it go (10 of Wands R). I think we have a bit of a martyr complex in our blood. I don’t want to continue that pattern.

The bottom line is that if I want to break this cycle of self-destruction I need to change my attitude and mindset. I’m my own worst enemy because I can find ways to justify, rationalize and intellectualize pretty much anything. What I’m not good at is listening to my heart, trusting my emotions.

I’m still working on improving my relationship with Cups and with myself for that matter. It’s been so long since I’ve known the secrets of my own heart that I almost forgot I had any. I think that was part of the Princess of Cups message to me yesterday. I need to do more spiritual and healing work so that I can reconnect to that aspect of myself. I’m not just a brain with a love for shenanigans and burst of creativity and energy. I am a physical being whose body deserves love and appreciation. I am an emotional being allowed to cry, become angry and feel betrayed and forgotten.  It doesn’t matter how much I try to claim otherwise, even I know I’m just fooling myself. It’s time to face some facts and make some changes. Then again I’ve said that before too but I like to think each time I state it I’m taking a step closer to manifesting it.