Out of balance and out of confidence – yes, I’d say that describes me right now. I’m still feeling like a bit of a mess. Don’t get me wrong, I had fun exploring the nature of extraterrestrials but in the long haul that won’t help me figure out what I want to do next with my life.
In the companion book, Barbara Moore offers the interpretation “stressed; too much to do; unable to give anything its proper attention”. In some ways this is a relief. Maybe the reason I’m feeling off balance and disconnected with the flow is because I just can’t do it right now. I’m trying to force something that just isn’t meant to happen right now. Sometimes I feel as though I’ being a slug. I’m not actually working on anything and I’m finding it difficult to focus. On the other hand I have a lot on my plate.
I sometimes think I don’t realize how exhausting it is to care for the in-laws. They both require continuous (continual) attention and long-term supervision. We can leave them alone for a few ours but no overnight or for any longer length of time. Even the simplest of tasks like preparing dinner can become challenging if something goes wrong with one of them. Sleeping has become challenging because my mother-in-law has developed a new habit of taking 3-4 hour “naps” and then waking up full of energy and wanting to talk. Right now we feel as sleep deprived as the parents of most newborns.
For the 7 of Wands reversed, Barbara offers this insight – “feeling defensive or overly protective”. Looking at the woman on this card I can honestly say I was that woman. When I worked in the non-profit sector I regularly facilitated training sessions, organized staff development workshops, developed programs and wrote grant applications. I knew I was good and I think that was conveyed in how I conducted myself (hell, there were times I was downright arrogant). Those days are long gone. Right now I feel like a complete failure at everything; someone that no person in their right mind would hire. In fact there are days when the idea of being in any group setting fills me with terror. Okay I’m overstating things a bit but I’m not really far from the mark here. Apparently I am quite an externally focused person when it comes to validation and feedback I need to hear it from someone else.
So I think what I need to explore next in my life is how I can regain a sense of balance and confidence. Instead of pushing myself to accomplish some elusive goal I need to focus on what I can do and how to keep my sanity. Goals and a mission statement are all well and good but maybe I’m trying to run when I’m barely able to walk. Perhaps scaling things down, taking baby steps will be more beneficial for me right now. Beating myself up about what I can’t and haven’t done is pointless and just makes things worse. I think I need to ease up on myself and focus on feeling better and just finding what joy I can in the day to day things.