I was blown away to see these two cards appear in response to my question. I have the feeling that this particular line of inquiry is going to yield life altering results (assuming I actually implement the recommendations). Right now I’m up to my armpits in snow so the only exploring I can do is within myself. Sometimes that’s not the most exciting terrain to hike alone but I must say it does often produce surprising results.
Both these cards speak to me on two levels, one is the external “real world” level and the other is my internal landscape. The Wheel of the Year serves as a reminder that life is change. This cold, snowy weather will eventually give way to the warmer, rainy days of Spring. My life will eventually turn and I will find myself in a different place with different responsibilities. Right now I feel as though I’m at the lowest point I’ve been since childhood – broke and not really sure what to do next. The difference is that this situation is my responsibility. In childhood I had very little control over much of what occurred in my life. That isn’t the case right now. If I want to feel in control of things then I need to take responsibility for those things I can change. I think the Wheel is reminding me that sometimes things just aren’t meant to be changed – at least not at this time.
That is one of the challenges I’m facing with the hubby. He is a fix-it kind of guy. He truly believes that if we can figure out the right formula or actions we can change this situation. I know that isn’t the case. We’ve done what we can to make the mom-in-law and brother-in-law comfortable. I’m exploring external resources the might be available. We can’t change the physical realities of this situation. My brother-in-law is deaf and developmentally disabled. My mother-in-law is either suffering from dementia or Alzheimer’s or something that looks so similar as to make no difference. She will not recover from this. The only release is death. I know that’s extremely difficult for the hubby to accept (hell, it’s not so easy for me to accept either). What makes it more difficult is that on a deep level we both realize that the most likely change to this situation will be mom-in-law dying. Not a pleasant truth to face. The Wheel of the Year is a reminder that “to everything there is a season”.
The Wheel of the Year also reminds me that if I want to fully embrace who I am meant to become I need to learn to embrace and work with change. I’ve been focusing on time management lately because my skills (never the greatest) have slipped so much they are nonexistent. Procrastination has always seemed so much easier to me because there were little consequences to letting go until the last minute. Even in school my grades were good with the amount of effort I put into it. What would be the point of spending more time on assignments when I was already getting great grades? I’m sure there reality is that I would have gained even more insight from the lessons had I done the work but sometimes my reasons for pursuing advanced degrees were convoluted and didn’t always involve acquiring insight. Sometimes I did it just to prove that I could. Not the most enlightened reason for doing things but often at the core of my motivation.
In my career I often had the same experience. With some minor bursts of effort and energy just prior to the deadline I was able to complete assignments that proved more than satisfactory to my supervisors. Spreading that energy and effort out over a longer period of time just seemed silly to me. Now I’m finding those patterns are holding me back. With no external pressure to force me to finish, I just keep procrastinating. I think The Wheel is telling me this behavior needs to change too.
Ostara (Temperance) is connected to the Pagan Sabbat celebrating the Spring Equinox; the time when light and dark are in perfect balance. Light will soon emerge triumphant, increasing slightly more each day after the Equinox but for this moment they are perfectly balanced. However this balance is hard won. The cold and darkness of the winter months does not give up without a fight. There will still be times when the cold is numbing and the darkness seems never-ending. However the light and warmth just keeps taking baby steps until the tide has turned.
I’ve read that Spring is not for the weak and that is true. Thinking of the rains and upheaval that precedes the shoots of new life bursting forth, it’s rather amazing that we survive it. This creates a crucible when all life is weighed and the necrotic parts are sloughed off. Having Ostara show up reversed for me makes me realize I need to take a hard look at where I’m resisting sloughing off necrotic cells. One example is my doll collection. For years I was an avid collector of Barbie and Fashion Royalty dolls. I found relaxation in redressing them, taking photos, making up backstories. Over the last few years I have found myself less enthralled with them. There are still many I will keep but I know it’s time to release some and yet I resist. I’m convinced that once I let them go I’ll rediscover my love for them. This indecisiveness paralyzes me. I need to stick with my decision and take the steps necessary to make it happen.
I have the sense that this ability to clear away the dead wood – old records, dolls, books, etc. is essential. Before I can embrace the light and welcome it back into my life I need to let go of these things so that I can actually see the light. Right now I’m so block in and weighed down by things that I can’t see anything else.
On an inner, spiritual level, I think Ostara is telling me that I’m not taking time for myself. Yes, my life is hectic and chaotic and much of my decisions are based on how my in-laws are behaving at the moment but I’m completely ignoring that I might need time alone. How can I weed through all these things I need to sort out if I never make the time? It won’t magically happen. I’m not Samantha from Bewitched; twitching my nose won’t organize and weed things out. This ties in with my need to get better at time management.
I think these cards are telling me that before I can embrace the person I am meant to become, first I need to make some room for that person in my life. I need to eliminate the old versions of me that are no longer necessary. New growth can’t happen until the underbrush is cleared away. Right now I need to focus on clearing out the underbrush, the overgrown weeds that are choking the vitality out of my life. Once I can take steps towards accomplishing this, I believe I’ll find a new life blooming forth for me. Right now my life is a badly cluttered room – there are lots of things lying around but I can’t see what I have anymore. It’s time to change that. Before I can pour magical rainbow energy on the eggs in my basket I need to be able to find the eggs.