It has occurred to me that my behavior in certain aspects of my life force me to wonder why I am so resistant to making changes I know will be in my best interests.  Some of these would impact my health (specifically eating patterns).  Others could impact my profession (such as updating my blog to include a page so that anyone interested can order an email reading).  Still others would just provide overall improvements to my quality of life (such as getting more organized).  In my mind I know these things but I can’t bring myself to implement them.  If I were reading for a client who had this issue I’m sure I’d offer some pithy, practical advice to get her/his ass in gear.  That made me wonder what is causing this resistance; what am I afraid will happen if I do these things?.  So I decided to ask the Book of Shadows As Above Tarot that question.

I had to laugh when I saw these cards appear because on the surface the 4 of Earth didn’t make sense to me.  I looked up the card’s meaning in the companion book and a few things became clearer to me.  I’m not afraid I’ll become a gnome or too set in my ways (that ship has already sailed) or stingy.  As I looked at the stones and crystals on this card I realized that perhaps one of my fears is becoming a resource to others.  As long as I keep things on a light, casual, almost flippant level I don’t have to take responsibility.  If someone challenges me about a statement I make I can always back off with the “I was only kidding” excuse.  Taking this to a professional level means I need to be responsible to my clients and treat the cards and those relationships with integrity.  I may also be in a position to help people mine their own lives to find the buried treasures that lie within.  Being that kind of resource terrifies me.  It’s one of the reasons I didn’t pursue a PhD in psychology.  The idea of having vulnerable people come to me for advice, clarity and counseling frightened me.  I felt like a phony to even think I could offer that kind of wisdom and support to anyone.  Instead I took shelter in sarcasm and smart aleck responses.

The Path seemed to bring me a clear message as soon as I saw it.  I am afraid of being that person who can walk out into the wilderness and blaze a new trail.  I give enormous credit to people who choose to read Tarot cards or other non-traditional services in a professional and public manner.  It really does have the potential to put one beyond the pale.  I remember the reactions I got from people when they learned I was pursuing a MA in psychology.  I often got comments like “oh you’ll never figure me out” or “what am I thinking” (obviously some folks still have a distorted view of psychology).  That might have been another element that made me reconsider pursuing a doctoral degree.  I don’t mind being a bit odd  or “out there” but I usually don’t want to scare people away completely.  And the people who tended to be drawn to a psychology student tended to scare me away.  Pursuing Tarot as a profession would mean taking that first step on an unexplored, unknown path.  I have no idea where it might take me and I’m afraid to find out.

I’ll be exploring this issue more as the week continues because I am committed to taking this step and if I want to succeed then I need to stop sabotaging myself.