Protection and solitude seem to be my keywords today. The Queen of Swords reversed suggests that its time for me to sheath the sword a bit. Intellect and objectivity are useful tools to a point but they aren’t helpful right now. I think the weather. the situation and the sense of isolation are all wearing down on me. I just don’t have the ability to take a walk and get away for a bit. The snow has become a huge blanket coating the world and wrapping me in white oppression. I feel as isolated as the Queen of Swords is often portrayed.
Looking at Mama Badger on the 4 of Pentacles I get the sense of being sheltered, protected and secure. In many ways I’ve been playing Mama Badger and now I think I want someone to embody that energy for me. Her young are hidden beneath the earth’s protective layer. She guards them and tends to their needs because they are too defensive to care for themselves yet. If I have to be isolated and alone I’d love to be babied too (for a little while at least).
This reading also reminded me that I’ve never really been mothered in that way. It’s not my mother’s fault – she was hoping to find simple, unconditional love from her children. Instead she had me with my angles, attitude and vague air of judgment. I think my mother always felt that I found her wanting in some way; that she disappointed me. As a child this was likely true. The younger I was, the more certain I was of my correctness and more judgmental I was.
I’m sure I was something of a trail for my mother. I have often said that I have always known she loves me but sometimes she doesn’t like me very much and she doesn’t truly understand me. So there were often times I wanted to be nurtured but didn’t know how to ask and she didn’t know how to offer. The Mama Badger on the 4 of Pentacles brings this back to mind. I may yearn for nurturing, but like a badger I can be dangerous and off-putting if approached. So even if I wanted to feel protected and nurtured, I often resented the restrictions that came along with that.