Why am I conflicted? – Witch of Cups + The Devil (Crone)

Tarot of the Crone Witch of Cups Tarot of the Crone Devil

Seeing these two cards was a bit of a shock – Ellen’s Devil is no joke.  This image is a bit terrifying and seeing it made me rear back a bit.  What the hell message is this devil giving me?  I actually called for backup interpreting this because I am too close and likely to miss something.

The Witch of Cups with her dancing, flowing energy sings to me of dancing to my own music, singing my own song.  I can hear Karen Carpenter’s amazing voice singing “don’t worry that it’s not good enough for anyone else to hear.  Just sing, sing a song.”  That’s the energy I’m receiving from this card.  She’s dancing a tale of living a genuine, soulful life; of being true to your deepest self.  Her arms are raised towards the sky as though she embraces the Universe in all its wonder.

The Devil with her fearsome visage is repellant.  She eats her own arms and is surrounded by fearsome teeth just waiting to devour her in return.  How many times have felt as though I was eating myself alive; tortured by self-doubt and inner demons?  In this situation I thing that is a piece of this cards message for me.  In the companion book Ellen writes “I am the Fear that binds you, the Hate that eats you, the Pain that never lets go.”  Whoa!  That’s not exactly reassuring.  Then again reassurance is not what I’m seeking here.  I need to face the issues that are holding me back from living as the Queen of Cups.  The Devil reminds me that it’s my own fears, hates and pains that twine and twist around me until I can’t get free.

I need to face and embrace these fears, hates and pain before I can be truly free and live a truer life.  Some of what imprisons me are external factors – family obligations and financial realities.  There is a limit to what I can do to change those factors.  However the internal factors are ones I can face, embrace and release.  So what are those factors?  On some level self-doubts still linger but I believe those are minimal at this point.  I think the others factors are more predominant right now.

One of those factors is my aversion to reading Tarot professionally.  It’s no a reluctance to ask for payment for services rendered.  I am a firm believer that many people feel that get what they pay for so free readings are not as valued as they should be.  My issue is that I don’t like the idea of having to do a reading for someone when I’m not in the mood because I’ve been paid for the service.  It gives me a sense of being a dancing monkey – throw some coins my way and watch me perform.  Now that I admit this is an issue for me I can decide how to proceed.

A friend suggested that another factor is that I’m still feeling the after effects of being fired.  Despite the fact that it was over 5 years ago and I know it was not due to my performance it still deeply shook my faith in myself.  If it wasn’t due to my performance then it was my personality – something I can do much less to change.  Of course on another level I know the situation was due more to the issues of the “the boss” than me.

Looking at this image I was struck by the idea that once I have devoured the parts of myself that are dead and not helpful anymore I can give birth to my new self.  Like maggots that eat away the dead flesh, I need to cut away aspects I don’t need anymore.  I am changing and reaching a point where many of my former self-defense mechanism are no longer helping.  I need to develop new coping strategies and new approaches to my life.  Once I do that I can release he fears, hates and pains that are holding me back.  Acknowledging them is the first step to defeating and releasing them.  I feel that I’m on my way.

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