I was reading an interesting article about the Black Madonna in the book The Moonlit Path in which the author describes how tube worms living over thermal vents in the deep ocean transform the toxic emissions into energy.  He compares this to how the Dark Madonna can force us to transform the toxins in our own lives into something useful and beneficial.  This made me wonder about the toxins in my life that I haven’t transformed yet.  Toxins that are still festering inside me and poisoning all they touch.

Then I looked at the two cards I drew from the Dark Goddess Tarot.  The 9 of Air shows a Banshee, an Irish spirit that wails in warning at the impending death of a loved one.  She is a fearsome figure who cannot be bargained with because she does not cause the loss, she simply mourns it.  As I looked at this image it struck me that she was that part of my spirit that wails and mourns the childhood innocence I lost.  She is the piece of my soul that has not recovered from the loss of trust and faith that childhood abuse caused me.  In fact I don’t think I even realized that was the case until I looked at this card and pondered her message.  She is stripped bare, a mere wraith with no visible signs of femininity.  Yet she is powerful; a harbinger of loss and sorrow whose message cannot be denied.  Her message to me is shrouded in mist but becoming clearer.

Hag of Earth shows She Who Watches, a reddish stone face carved into a pile of rocks.  At first I didn’t understand her message, her blank staring eyes didn’t connect with anything for me.  Then I considered it further and her very lack of expressions spoke to me.  She is the one who observed and recorded the abuse and chaos I suffered as a child.  She is the one who watched and validated what was done to me.  She reminds me that none of this was in my imagination.  None of it was my fault.  I was a child deserving of protection, love and support.  Nothing I did brought any of this on me and nothing I did could have stopped it.  She could not take me in her arms and comfort me but she did record it for me.

Considering this powerful message made me cry.  I have long thought that I left this behind me but obviously I did not.  I may have moved on but I haven’t healed.  There is still much I need to release from my past in order to restore a sense of wholeness to myself.  I don’t need validation or recognition from anyone else and even if I got that it would change nothing.  These dark ladies have ripped open the wound and caused the blood to flow afresh.  Now it’s up to me to allow the poisons to drain away and bandage it up once the toxins are gone.