My card of the day is the 10 of Engines/Wands reversed. As soon as I saw this card the song ‘The Weight” popped into my head, especially the line “take a load of Annie”. That’s how I feel right now – as though I’m taking off a load. It’s not so much that things have changed in my life as that I’m trying to handle them in ways that won’t create more of a burden for me. I do feel rather like the survivors portrayed on the Steampunk 10 of Engines – the wreckage is all around me and I can’t do anything to change that. What I can change is how I deal with that wreckage. I can spend all my time focusing on what has been lost and mourning what will never be, or I can move forward and rebuild. I can rise up from the wreckage and create something new from the remains.
I think I’ve done all the mourning and gnashing of teeth I care to do. Enough is enough! I can feel sorry for myself and rage against the gods that this is my life. In fact I’ve done quite a bit of that. I can cry and become depressed because this isn’t how I saw my life turning out but I’ve done enough of that too. In fact I’m tired of doing both these things because they are ceasing to have any benefit (or maybe they never did and I’m finally accepting that fact). I want to pick up the pieces and move ahead. I want to focus on positive things and let go of the negative.
There are so many things in my life that I want to do – things relating to creating a career as a professional Tarot reader, my spiritual beliefs, my health and even reading some books I’ve had on the pile for some time. Instead I’ve been sulking, throwing tantrums and feeling sorry for myself. All of those things were fine as long as they were part of the process. Now they’re becoming the burden that is retarding the process. It’s causing me to become stunted and distorts my new reality. I’ve born this weight for a long time. Although I can’t release all of it right now, I can certainly release the parts that aren’t helping me and that I can release. I’m not walking away from my responsibilities. What I’m doing is shouldering them more comfortably and figuring out how to make them a bit less burdensome. It’s not about dropping the burden as much as it is about changing how I handle it.