Reacting strictly from a visual impression, my immediate response was that I need to leave behind the feeling that I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders or perhaps what needs to be left behind is the actual weight I do carry. I can see this card applying either way. I must admit that right now I feel more like Jason sitting beneath flaming staves while the remains of my ship rots in the harbor – a pathetic reminder of who I used to be.
There is a strong vein of self-pity running through that comment and I know it. I am feeling sorry for myself and perhaps that’s what this card’s message to me truly is – I need to let go of the self-pity. My current life is not what I’d envisioned, hoped for or ever imagined. I had dreams and plans for greatness. I was on my way to a life of modest accomplishments of which I could be proud and somehow I took a left turn into Maw Maw-ville. I have been pulled into the world of being a caregiver for my elderly mother-in-law.
I won’t revisit the details (or maybe I’ve never visited them in the first place but they’re irrelevant here) but suffice it to say this is not where I thought I’d be right now. Then again I suppose no one ever expects to find themselves in this position. I’m certain that no one plans or hopes for it. Having found myself in this position, there isn’t a lot I can do to change it – at least not right now. What I can leave behind is the self-pity.
I need to move passed my frustration and resentment and feelings of being trapped, unappreciated and thoroughly miserable. It is a thankless task, one that wears relentlessly on my spirit. If there were some honorable way I could absolve myself of these responsibilities I would. Unfortunately (or perhaps it’s fortunate), I can’t do that. I don’t believe I could face myself in the mirror if I packed the in-laws off to an institution. So having made this choice, I need to find ways to make it a bit easier for me to carry this weight.