What must I leave behind? 10 of Wands (Wheel of Change & Mythic)

 

Reacting strictly from a visual impression, my immediate response was that I need to leave behind the feeling that I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders or perhaps what needs to be left behind is the actual weight I do carry.  I can see this card applying either way.  I must admit that right now I feel more like Jason sitting beneath flaming staves while the remains of my ship rots in the harbor – a pathetic reminder of who I used to be.

There is a strong vein of self-pity running through that comment and I know it.  I am feeling sorry for myself and perhaps that’s what this card’s message to me truly is – I need to let go of the self-pity.  My current life is not what I’d envisioned, hoped for or ever imagined.  I had dreams and plans for greatness.  I was on my way to a life of modest accomplishments of which I could be proud and somehow I took a left turn into Maw Maw-ville.  I have been pulled into the world of being a caregiver for my elderly mother-in-law.

I won’t revisit the details (or maybe I’ve never visited them in the first place but they’re irrelevant here) but suffice it to say this is not where I thought I’d be right now.  Then again I suppose no one ever expects to find themselves in this position.  I’m certain that no one plans or hopes for it.  Having found myself in this position, there isn’t a lot I can do to change it – at least not right now.  What I can leave behind is the self-pity.

I need to move passed my frustration and resentment and feelings of being trapped, unappreciated and thoroughly miserable.  It is a thankless task, one that wears relentlessly on my spirit.  If there were some honorable way I could absolve myself of these responsibilities I would.  Unfortunately (or perhaps it’s fortunate), I can’t do that.  I don’t believe I could face myself in the mirror if I packed the in-laws off to an institution.  So having made this choice, I need to find ways to make it a bit easier for me to carry this weight.

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