What do I need to focus on today? The Hermit (Transformational & Gaian)

 

Hmm, The Hermit.  This is a card with which I am not very well acquainted.  As I’ve often joked, introspection is not one of my better skills and that certainly seems to be one of the meanings of this card.  In fact it is called Introspection in the Transformational Tarot.  This is one of those cards that I have a relatively neutral attitude towards.  I appreciate the benefits of solitude and introspection.  I can also understand that the Hermit is also able to bring back these gifts to help others find their way through the darkness.  Who knows, maybe whatever insights I gain from my introspection might help others as well.

This card really ties in beautifully with some other messages I’ve received from the Tarot lately.  My first epiphany was when I realized that at the core of some of my issues is not self-esteem (I’m sure I have some self-esteem issues, but then again who doesn’t).  My issues stem from trust.  I didn’t realize this until I was reviewing some of the questions Sasha Graham asks in her 10 of Swords exercise in Tarot Diva.  The questions revolved around negative images we developed based on things people have said to us over the years (“you’re too fat”, “too ugly”, etc.).  As I was reading the questions I realized that I can’t point to a specific incidence of that type of insult that stuck in my psyche.  It wasn’t resonating with me.

As I pondered this a bit further I realized that most of the experiences in my life that caused damage to my psyche were the result of people praising me with an ulterior motive, their own agenda.  I could often sense the resentment or envy underlying the compliment and it bothered me.  I began to mistrust any positive feedback I got from people because I began to assume that there was something mean-spirited or negative underlying it.  For example I had a friend in school who would always ask what score I had gotten on a test or on my report card.  If my grades were better than hers, she would be envious.  In various ways I experienced situations where older men would flatter me, calling me beautiful or sexy or whatever and then hit on me.  At the time I was about 15 and although I found such attentions flattering I was in o way emotionally able to handle them.

I think The Hermit is going to be my guide to look within myself and help me decide how to process this new insight and where to go with it.  It’s interesting that I haven’t realize this before.  Something just clicked in my brain when I realized this fact.  It also explains why I have a low tolerance for hypocrisy or lying.  Honesty is a huge issue for me.  In fact sometimes it’s a real problem because even marketing (which smacks a bit of lying to me) can become a problem for me.  It makes so much sense why I’ve always felt an affinity for the Queen of Swords and Swords suit in general.  To me they have always represented cutting through the bullshit; getting to the truth of the matter.  My aversion to Cups is the result of the fact that people claimed to love me while abusing me in some way.  I’m a bit of a slow learner (possibly because I’ve avoided introspection) but not that I realize it, I know myself well enough to know I will continue poking at this sore spot until I let all the pus and gore out.  Then the healing can begin and ultimately I think that’s what this is about for me – healing.

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