What the hell is wrong with me? The Tower (Deviant Moon & Dark Grimoire)


That’s what I get for being a smartass.  What’s wrong with me is that I cling tenaciously to my vision of the world and my place in it.  I am a very fixed personality and change really shakes my security tree.  I can be oblivious (deliberately so) to any potential benefits that might result from these changes.  And one of the concept which I cling to strongest of all is how I see myself.  I am a master at rationalization and can explain away any positive or negative consequences or outcomes.  It’s quite amazing if I do say so myself.

So after my pity party resulting from the fact that I do not seem to be very successful at expanding (okay who am I kidding, creating) my Tarot business, I began to consider why none of the folks for whom I’ve done readings have ever come back for a second.  None!  That has to signify something.  Of course I’d prefer to believe it’s all them but in reality the only answer is that it’s me.  Something about my reading style or personality does not encourage repeat clients.  I can be oblivious but even I can’t ignore this fact.  So then the next thing I need to consider is what is the problem?  What do I do (or not do) that discourages repeat clients or even recommendations and referrals?

Well, let’s see.  The first thought that sprang into my head is that perhaps I’m not the most sympathetic ear folks can find.  I realized this last night as I was chatting with an acquaintance on Facebook.  I would say we are friendly rather than friends.  This person is actually a friend of my mother’s and I have known her for many years.  However, I have never really considered her my friend.  And as we were “chatting” I felt myself thinking “why are you telling me this?  I don’t care”.  That’s when it clicked, when the lightning struck and blasted away one of my preconceived notions about myself – I can be fairly intolerant and find it difficult to fake interest and friendship.  If I like someone, then I like them.  If I don’t like someone, I am fairly transparent about that too.  As I have often said, I am as deep and mysterious as a shallow stream.  I have no ability to hide how I feel.

Applying this to reading Tarot cards for others, that means if I’m in the wrong frame of mind I can seem unsympathetic and even judgmental.  Even if I don’t say the words, I’m fairly sure my body language and attitude convey this.  It’s interesting that the most frequent response I receive from clients is “Well I already knew that” and my reaction (even if I never voice it) tends to be “then why haven’t you done anything about it?”  Not exactly the best approach for a Tarot reader I suppose.  It’s not that I don’t care and don’t want to be supportive but unfortunately I often take a more traditionally “masculine” approach to things (you know that “c’mon, man up” attitude) in an effort to avoid dealing with feelings; painful, messy, awkward feelings.

And of course all of this is further complicated by the fact that I detest marketing myself.  I feel it would dishonest of me to claim that I’m better than other readers or that I have amazing gifts.  I might be better than some readers but I’m sure there are others better than me.  I just have an aversion to the whole concept.  Or perhaps that is simply an excuse I use to explain why I’ve been unsuccessful at building up a Tarot practice.  As I’ve already explained, I’m very good a rationalizing things.

I really need to consider this because it occurs to me that perhaps I do not have the personality to be a Tarot reader.  I may have the technical knowledge and the skill to be a reader, but if I am unable to connect with clients then what is the point of reading for others?  So if I do wish to pursue a career as a Tarot reader, then I need to change my technique.  Obviously what I am doing now is not effective so something must change.  I can only imagine that what I would need to change is me.  I would need to be more sympathetic, more open and allow myself to connect with the clients on an emotional level.  Of course the mere thought of people becoming overwrought during a Tarot reading gives me the shivers.  I’m not at my best when dealing with others’ tears.  This card has given me a lot to think about and will definitely force me to make changes that will probably have some life-long impact.  Damn!!!

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