Drawing the Queen of Cups today was especially symbolic and appropriate because over the last few weeks (oh who am I kidding, over the last few years), I’ve developed a lot of self-doubts about my abilities as a Tarot reader.  Don’t misunderstand, I know I have a fairly decent knowledge of Tarot – its history, the card meanings, its connections to various other occult traditions.  However, this does not necessarily translate into an ability to read for others.  I’ve seen people who have less experience that I do become fabulous & successful Tarot readers.  I do no begrudge them their success and if he or she is a friend, I am usually happy for them.  Then I end up wondering why I don’t have that kind of success.

A conversation with a friend last night forced me to stop and think about my situation.  I often joke that I have a resistance to becoming a professional reader but is it truly a resistance or it is fear?  Am I really afraid that if I put myself out there as a reader I will fail abysmally?  I have to wonder why none of the people for whom I’ve done a reader come back or recommend me to a friend.  When I read for others I often get reactions such as “well I already knew that” (which can be a bit frustrating when they insist they don’t have any specific questions at the start of the reading).  Maybe my technique needs work.  I don’t know what the problem is but it’s demoralizing.  I feel like shaking them and myself or maybe just shaking my fist at the Universe and crying out – What am I doing wrong?!!  Am I sending out the wrong vibe?  Am I really just not that good a reader?  I just don’t have the answer right now.

And that brings us back to the Queen of Cups.  For me, the Queen of Cups often symbolizes trusting my intuition and listening to my inner wisdom, developing my psychic abilities and learning to use them in a way that benefits myself and others. In the past, we’ve had a somewhat antagonistic relationship because I haven’t always trusted my intuition, psychic abilities or emotions.  To often, in my past, these have been used in negative ways for manipulation.  I’m much more comfortable with my Wands-y and Swords-y nature.  Having said that, the Queen of Cups and I have been able to forge a relationship but it’s still in its early stages.  So is my fear driven by my reluctance and mistrust of the Queen of Cups’ gifts?  Or is it that I have not yet fully embraced my inner Queen of Cups?

I’m still very confused about this issue.  I think I need to do a more thorough reading about it but it’s also distinctly possible that can’t see things clearly.  Unfortunately because I’m exceedingly stubborn and convinced I know what best for me, getting a reading from someone else would probably go in one ear and out the other.  Although I always appreciate the insights of others, for some reason, they just don’t make as big an impression on me.  Sheesh, right now I’m feeling like quite a mess and I just don’t like it.  Indecisiveness is not natural to me.  I need to do something to fix this situation.