What the hell was I thinking?

 

This card combined with the Knight of Cups earlier this week forced me to reassess and reconsider the way I’ve been living lately.  The first thought that struck me when I saw this card is that I need to remember who I am!  I’ve always identified with the Queen of Wands.  I have a lot of fiery energy in my personality and my birth chart, sometimes to a fault.  Lately, as a result of various family obligations and lifestyle issues, I have been tamping down all that fiery energy.  When one is caring for an elderly relative, that aggressive, assertive energy is overwhelming and misplaced.  It called for a gentler more nurturing approach.  On the one hand that is wonderful because it has provided me with an opportunity to more fully explore my inner Queen of Cups and we have come to a cordial detente.  She and I  will probably never be bosom buddies but at least I can allow her energy in my life without the negative reactions I’ve experienced in the past.  Unfortunately my inner Queens of Wands and Swords have been virtually neglected and unappreciated.  Seeing the Queen of Wands come up for me today brought all of this into my consciousness.

Seeing the Knight of Cups on Wednesday reminded me that I’ve been searching for something that will allow me to unleash some of my energy and fulfill me on an emotional level.  My first reaction when looking at the Wormweird Knight of Cups was that I should be careful not to drown my sorrows in a bottle, which is certainly a family tendency.  I have been rather cautious about drinking simple because if something goes wrong I want to be able to handle it without the added burden of being hung over.  Unfortunately that has also caused me to avoid friends and situations that might involve drinking – oh hell I’ve avoided most socializing in general.  I’m isolating myself and that’s not healthy.  I think the Knight of Cups is reminding me that I need to seek out my own emotional supports.  I need to find friends that can help me deal with my own frustrations during this time.

Like many stay-at-home mothers, I’ve lost sight of myself – my needs, my interests and my desires, because I put the needs of someone else ahead of my own.  It is certainly a noble sentiment but what happens when the person for whom you are caring no longer needs your care?  You are left feeling hollow and empty with no idea of who you are anymore.  I think there is a serious risk in wrapping your whole life around someone else’s needs or to your profession because if the situation changes and that focus is gone, we risk becoming lost and drifting.  We forget what our goals were and what we dreamed of achieving in our lives.  I don’t want to let that happen to me.  In order to avoid it, I need to take more concrete steps to take back my life – even if it’s only for 2 days a week.  I am entitled to it and I deserve it.  There is nothing wrong in occasionally being a bit selfish and claiming time to attend to your own needs.  I lost sight of this fact for a while but now I’m changing that pattern.

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