Aces symbolize beginnings, the start of something new and the seed of new growth.  Wands are associated with inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the “spark of life”, and the element of fire.  Skill; creation; the beginning of a project, enterprise, idea, or invention.  Enthusiasm; initiative; energy; the joy of life; sexual vigor; conception; a journey  Reversed:  A false or bad start; criticizing or not using one’s potential; journey deferred; delays and difficulties; failure of an enterprise.

“You sense the potential for creating a new self-image of self-concept.  You can privately name yourself in a new way.” – Gail Fairfield

Reversed – another reversed card.  I’m getting the sense that the Tarot is telling me I’ve got a lot of blocked energy in my life.  The images on the Tarot of Dreams Ace of Wands shows a volcano erupting, suggesting creative energy being unleashed and flowing over the landscape.  Am I that volcano?  Could I be?  Can I glow and shine like the crystal atop the wands, sending my radiance and energy out into the world to help others?  I can feel a part of me, buried very deep for many years, straining to break free; thrilled and excited at the very idea of being that kind of a beacon.  At the same time, a lot of responsibility can come with that.  I think of how many people who put themselves out there as leaders or teachers become targets.  It’s as though we mistrust and dislike anyone who knows more or seems “better” than we are.  Unfortunately there has also been a lot of past evidence that supports the belief that those who set themselves up as leaders are often poor role models and hypocrites as well.

The Ferret Ace of Wands shows an adorable ferret holding onto the trunk of a tree and peeking up at its full branches.  She seems to have a mischievous expression on her face as well as some excitement and anticipation.  It’s as though she can’t wait to see what’s at the top of the tree.  When you consider how much energy and light it takes for a tree to grow, it makes you appreciate just what a miracle it is.  Upside down, the image looks like the ferret is getting ready to slide down a pole into the branches of the tree.  It’s almost as if she’s trying to contain herself; holding herself back.

And that makes me wonder how or why am I holding myself back?  There is a lot of fear and uncertainty in me right now and I’m not sure why.  It’s as if the closer I get to realizing some of my personal dreams and desires, the more frightened and skeptical I become.  The inner demons become stronger, more vociferous and vicious.  It’s as if I feel that on some level I don’t deserve to feel fulfilled and satisfied.  Self-doubts and low self-esteem start to crowd out any pride of confidence at my achievements and accomplishments.  No matter what goals I attain, I don’t value them because on some level I believe that if I can achieve this it couldn’t have been that difficult.  Why do I feel things have to be difficult in order to be valuable?  And why don’t I appreciate the value in what I’ve achieved?  Those questions need more than one Tarot card to answer them.

I also realize that right now, my focus is just not in seeking the answers to those questions.  Lately I feel as though I’m in a fog – distracted and disinterested.  I’ve just slipped into a routine that is suffocating me and I’m not sure how to free myself.  I guess the reality is that I can’t free myself right now.  I think the only way to keep my sanity is to find creative outlets for my energies.  I have to force myself passed these fears and self-doubts and unleash that fire and passion.  Otherwise I risk putting that flame out completely.  And I don’t want to douse that fire.  I don’t want to live a life without passion and inspiration.  I don’t want to become a zombie – just going through the motions, mindless and choiceless.  The only one who can do this is me.  If I don’t make some changes now, I risk becoming exactly what I fear most and that would be horrible for me.